he's like summer and walks in the rain
by shutupmidnight
Summary: After waking up to the fact he was being used the entire time during his relationship with Norway, Denmark finally abandons the slithers of emotion he had left. His best friend on the other hand desperately wishes to change that. Smut, swearing, recreational drug use, some graphic material and eventual NedDen. Past mentions of DenNor, very brief DenBela, DenBelg, DenIce and GerDen.
1. as in love with you as I am

Hey guys whoa it's been a while since I last posted.  
Anyway this story is based off a few rps and a lot of headcanons so enjoy! I'll try and update as regularly as I can.  
To be a little honest it's probably a bit OOC but I can't see him being overly optimistic for years and years and years so super sorry!  
Anyway there will be a lot of ships within this enjoy! (spoilers yo) But one thing is that DenNor is very much a past relationship by this point, it'll be explained later promise.

Oh man I haven't written anything in so long I'm really sorry if this is crap.

* * *

By the time 5am had rolled around Mathias was already sitting up in a borrowed bed, staring intently at the wall directly in front of him as the beginnings of a headache began to hammer into his skull and deep something inside of him began to rise it's ugly head. Dropping his hand down to the ground and sweeping it across the floor he sighed in relief when his fingers grazed a bottle of something, liquid still sloshing around. Giving a quick glance at the mass beside him he barely registers the face of Iceland before downing the contents from the bottle, almost immediately the headache disappeared and he was able to relax.  
The Dane gave himself a few moments to enjoy the slow buzz that was starting to take over and lazily watched the sun rise and cast a pinkish hue across the sky and through the curtain-less windows. Turning his attention back to his company he gently pushed a hand through the Icelander's hair, the pale strands falling straight back into place as if they'd never been touched as soon as he had carded his fingers through. He barely remembered the night before, but the lack of clothes and bruises forming up and down the smaller male's neck gave him a basic idea of what went down.  
"Just another day in paradise" He mumbled to himself before slipping out of the bed. Within six minutes he was changed, hair styled and tapping a cigarette onto the top of his hand before taking his leave, the faintest click of the door the only evidence of his departure. He didn't see the look of rejection cross the young nordic's expression. He never would.

**xxx**

The sound of footsteps followed him out onto the street, without saying a word he takes the pills held within his new company's hands and swallows them down dry.  
"So is screwing around with Iceland your way of saying fuck you to Norway or?" The Dutchman stuffed his hands deep in his coat pocket once his job was done, falling easily into step with Mathias's quick pace.

"Lars shh I was enjoying the peace while it lasted. The answer to that is yes and no, it'll be funny when Lukas finds out but I have a feeling this means more to Eirikur than I thought." Mathias cupped his hands over his lighter to keep it from the wind and lit his smoke, a heavy sigh leaving him soon after. "This was going to be the last time I do anything with him."

"You have all the luck don't you." Lars tipped his head back and let out a throaty laugh. "Let's go get something to eat."

"Can we go to another country first, I kind of want to get out of Iceland."

The Dutchman said nothing but smiled in amusement, giving the other blonde a sidelong glance as he did he soon found himself playfully shoved into bushes with the Dane storming up ahead.

**xxx**

After a few hours in a plane to Copenhagen the pair wound up hailing a cab to the nearest cafe to Mathias's loft. On the drive there the Dane was oddly quiet, silently looking out the cabbie windows with his headphones on watching the ocean and tourists pass by. For once the ever changing scenery had stopped changing and started to look the same, teenagers with the same style taking the same photos in the same places, tourists wearing the same things. The sky even looking no different to when he was last home. The only thing keeping him from growing tired of the view outside was the ocean, the way the roll of the waves crashed down on top of one another, wild, unpredictable. He'd been told once by Ludwig he was like the sea, maybe that was why he was so attracted to it, that he was an uncontrollably beautiful dangerous thing that people will forever be drawn to, that people want to understand the secrets to, to dig up the history and learn from it but always know they never will. Mathias remembered that day well, the two of them sharing a bottle of whiskey together sitting on the docks and dipping their feet in the water at the early hours of the morning with their trousers rolled up. The wind chewed at his cheek but he didn't feel the cold, just the pleasant buzz of the alcohol and later on the pair of lips belonging to the German nation at his neck. It was one of the nicer nights he'd had during his existence, drunk enough to feel buzzed and loose, sober enough to know what he was doing and remember it the next day. Almost perfect, wrong person, wrong lips, almost, almost, almost.  
"What are you thinking about?" His friend whispered to him, mouth at his ear and a lot closer than he originally thought.

"If a perfect moment can really exist." He muttered in return, gaze continuing to try and keep up with the shift of water.

"And can it?"

He thought about it for a while, falling back into perfect silence before responding to the Dutchman.

"It's there for one second and then it's gone so fast it can be played off as a happy memory, but when you think about it...there was always something wrong with it."

"Is that a yes or a no."

"It's improbable."

Lars nodded before muttering for the cabbie to stop.

**x**

Their time at the cafe wasn't quick, they sat outside leisurely sipping at coffee and picking at pasteries while the breeze caused Lars' scarf to whip around his face and neck. Still Mathias kept his eyes on the ocean, Tiffany blue intently watching white foam rise from the water. The corners of his lips quirked up into a smile as he felt another pair of eyes not watching the water but himself.  
"You're staring." He murmured.

"You're very quiet."

"Must be a midlife crisis. Oh my god help it's a sign of the coming apocalypse."

"You had that centuries ago."

"I know." Mathias laughed and tore his attention away from the hypnotic waves to raise a freckled hand to his companion's face, pincing a bit of his cheek between his thumb and forefinger. "Oh god don't I know."

"Cut that out."

"Awh you have such a soft face."

"I swear to fucking god Mathias if you don't let go of me right no-"

He was cut off by the barest brush of lips against his, Mathias grinned as he pressed their lips together swallowing the rest of his protest.

"You have really soft lips as well. Have I ever told you that before?"

"For fucks sake Mat."

The Dane sat back in his seat saying no more, a smile still pulled at his mouth as he downed the rest of his coffee, not enough caffine, it wasn't anywhere near strong enough, too sweet as well. Too much caramel. But it was good enough he wouldn't complain.

"By the way Francis wants us in Paris for a photoshoot or something that he volunteered us for." As soon as Mathias's face lit up he held up a finger. "I'm staying here with you for a month until then."

"Awh quality bro time I can't wait." He twirled the tip of his teaspoon in his long emptied coffee cup, his face resting in one hand he smiled lazily. "Let's get drunk until next month then."

"Clubbing? Get high?"

"Oh honey what do you take me for of course, clubbing, and parties and sex with strangers and people we sort of but not reall know. Let's. Get. Fucked."

"And then we'll go to France and not be too much better."

"Things sound absolutely perfect." Mathias grinned across at the Dutchman.  
The Dutchman who had concern written across his face for a moment but was gone as soon as it came. Mathias missed that look too. Lars narrowed his eyes, lips pouted for a bit before he got up and disappeared inside mumbling about getting them something to take back home. Mathias packed all his things away at a snail's pace trying to keep himself occupied until Lars came back with the drinks.

They wound up walking to the Dane's loft, coats wrapped around them tightly and take away coffee keeping their hands warm, it was cold enough that they were well aware of the fact that summer was definitely at an end, leaning against one another the duo eventually made it. Considering walking up the several flights of stairs to the top floor they ended up agreeing on the elevator. Mathias loved where he lived, two stories of exposed brick and bleached wood flooring. The windows in his bedroom were the only ones with a seat and the white paint on them was cracking, a draft able to only just come through. It was how he liked it, just that one old thing in his otherwise modern apartment. Pictures and notes and artwork littered the walls, fairy lights winding their way between them and the faint smell of sweet scented insense was constantly in the air. However in the livingroom every wall, save for where the electric fireplace and tv were, was covered in bookshelves, hundreds of books lining the shelves organised by author and title. Everything was clean, organised, yet still cozy. He loved everything from the fridge stocked with alcohol to last him a couple of weeks to the walk in wardrobe where he collected all his clothing from shows and designers. He was living it good, he was aware, he indulged in the material things like so many nations didn't. He was lucky for his side jobs and he wanted to show off the money he pulled in. No shame in being wealthy. At least he was gifted that much. He'd earned it with all the bullshit he'd had to put up with, his fault or not.

As soon as he'd taken a step inside he inhaled deep, arms raised above his head and fell back into the sofa, disturbing the pillows scattered across it. "Make yourself at home rada rada rada you know the drill. Help yourself the the beer but if you touch the whiskey I'm cutting your balls off and using them as christmas tree decorations, okay?"

"Ja, ja, always the gentleman aren't you Mathias?"

"Stop your bitching you're in my home now if you'll excuse me I have a date with the bath tub." Dragging himself off the couch the Dane made a show of pulling himself along and up the stairs until Lars gave in on watching him be pathetic and picked him up, dragging him upstairs by himself and dumping him in the bathroom. Laughing to himseld Mathias stripped down and set up the bathroom for a soak. The blinds on the windows overlooking the city were closed, his love for fairylights was even apparent in the bathroom, around the tub and carefully placed so they weren't anywhere near the water were plain white bulbs, dipping down the bricks and dangling several centimetres away from the edge of the tub. Once setting up the towels and turning on his ipod as loud as it could go while still being relaxing enough he sunk into the water, sinking as far as he could go so his entire body and head disappeared beneath the pink tinged bubbles. He opened his eyes, watching as mountains of bubbles floated past like icebergs and rose petals bobbed along like rafts behind them, the sound of the dripping tap was echoed there but other than that there was complete silence. He sat like that for a while, staring up at the surface and the glimmering light as the water settled. Finally he emerged for air, breathing coming out in small pants while he pushed blonde hair out of his eyes and blinked rapidly, trying to get water out of his eyes and get himself to adjust to the lighting. Talking a deeper breath and sinking down until his chin was resting water level he settled against the rim of the bath and waited until his skin grew pruny.

Mathias finished the full bottles of vodka he kept hidden down the side.

**x**

He rolled fishnets slowly up shaven calves, the feeling of the silky fabric pressed against his legs more welcome than anything. Standing up Mathias looked at himself in the mirror, vision blurry and thoughts hazy, teeth worrying at the skin of his thumb as he twisted to see how he looked in black laced woman's underwear. Great naturally. A barely there smile spread across his face as he caught sight of Lars leaning against the door frame in the reflection.

"Personally I think you've always suited red a lot better." The Dutchman said after meeting his eyes in the mirror.

"Good thing I'm wearing them for my pleasure and not for yours." Mathias wriggled his eyebrows and winked before bending over at the waist, slowly, purposefully to slip into a pair of jeans, tight enough that his ass looked great, but baggy enough that he didn't have to do some kind of sacrificial dance to the devil to get them on. A perfect fit. "Now stop staring you can't see shit now."

"No need to be cruel." Lars took a few steps over and grabbed the other blonde by the rim of his jeans, tugging him backwards until they were chest to back. He drag his fingers down the Dane's spine, watching as he curved outwards reflexively until his fingers stopped at the small of his back to press in and bend him over in one smooth movement. "You move so nicely, like fluid."

Mathias swallowed thickly, trying to ignore the way he felt flames shoot up his spine at the touches. Grinding his teeth together, smile tense, he played along and rubbed his ass along the other's crotch, once, twice, a teaser just for the night. In response the Dutchman covered his back with his chest, teeth nipping at the back of his ear. Chuckling Mathias pulled himself away and gave the other a pointed stare.

"Hands off the goods anyway I believe we were going somewhere?"

"Open up."

Sticking out his tongue Mathias kept his eyes locked with Lars', a small tablet was stuck on his tongue and as soon as he swallowed he pecked the other male on the end of the nose.

And that's all he really remembered before the drug took it's effect.

**xxx****_  
_**  
The flashing lights visible even when the Dane's eyes were closed the pulsing of strobe lights almost appearing to be the cause of control behind every dip of his hips every gradual descent down, every arm movement. The bass from the speakers the only thing he was able to hear, his own breathing even drowned out in his ears by the impossibly loud beat of dubstep. He dropped down to the ground, arms above his head, and on his way up a pair of familiar hands found his waist. Grinning he leaned his head back till it was resting on the other's shoulder, neck arching slightly so he could press his nose to their jaw and inhale. Lars' fingers dragged down from his waist in between his thighs and pulled him closer as he began to grind back into him, his ass directly on the Dutchman's crotch. The smell of sweat, cologne and alcohol was clear on the both of them, mingling together until they made a scent of their own as their bodies moved together to the music. Mathias twisted his head as far as he could when a tongue licked a hot stripe up his neck the faint bump of a pill noticeable on Lars' tongue, as their heads met the Dane caught the pill from his friend's tongue with his own and swallowed. Slowly Mathias turned around, every smooth rock of his hips making it appear fluid until he was standing face to face with Lars, arms around the other male's neck he dropped low, legs spreading appropriately to keep him balanced as he moved. On his way up he began to feel the trickling effect of the drug, buzzing, energizing. His movements grew more heated, a leg belonging to Lars wedged between both his thighs for him to grind down on, slowly, slowly they both tilted their heads to meet each other and had each other in lip lock, bodies still trying to move to the music, mouths working at trying to claim the taste of one another, tongues clashing and teeth clicking together for minutes upon minutes, moving away from the crowd without they themselves really noticing, just touching, touching, touching. Eventually they broke apart, startled by how they'd moved from the center of the dance floor to the mens bathrooms.  
Lars sucked on Mathias's lower lip, bit it gently and soothed it over with his tongue. Mathias chuckled quietly as his lip was caught in between the Dutchman's teeth a second time, looking at his questionably through his eyelashes however, after Lars made no other movement. The other of them had their eyes open, staring each other down the energy between them charged, heated, reeking of passion. _Of want and a little extra._

"What're ya doin'?"

"It's a metaphor. This I mean."

"Huh?"

The Dutchman smiled slightly, cold green surpisingly warm for once, leaning in he pecked the Dane one last time before pulling his head back.

"I just put something dangerous between my teeth but didn't give it the power to kill."

The laugh that came from Mathias as he turned on heel to leave the dark blonde male could have been heard for miles. "Lars? Referencing a book? Fuck I didn't even know you were literate! Come on you little shit and lets get back to dancing. You got me excited."

An arm caught him around his waist and pulled him back, his movements drunken and drugged he stumbled and easily melted back into the Dutchman's embrace.

"Can we make out for a little while longer?" Lars whispered into his ear, fingers starting to make their way down south to run along the lines of lace peeking out from between shirt and jean.

"You know me. I love making people wait to get what they want." He managed to slip away with a kiss to the others temple. "This won't be happening again if you keep getting so needy afterwards. Come on lets go."

**xxx**

The night ended with the two sitting on the very edge of the roof of the complex where Mathias lived, passing a bong back and fourth and watching the stars. They each had a headphone in one ear as music played from one of their cellphones, they couldn't really tell by this point they'd figure it out in the morning. It was peaceful, the slow tune and the buzz of the drug coursing through their systems. Their breath was visible in the crisp cold of the night air, occasionally disturbing their vision from seeing the clear sky, stars scattered everywhere and the moon sitting full high up in the infinite darkness of it all. Without saying a word to each other they both silently agreed upon shaking their smoke, not letting it go to waste and carefully started blowing back the smoke into each other's mouths. Hands cupped on either side of their faces to keep the smoke from escaping, the skin that was touching was the warmest, sparks of heat flooding their systems.  
Just friends.  
Only friends.  
only, only, only.  
Eventually Mathias lay back and stared up at the sky, the angle so much better without the interruption of city lights flickering under his peripheral vision. Taking the other male's hand in his own he traced aimless patterns on his palm, while with his free hand he turned up the music just a little louder, singing under his breath._  
"And with words unspoken  
A silent devotion  
I know you know what I mean  
And the end is unknown  
But I think I'm ready  
As long as you're with me."_


	2. learning things that no one else sees

Whoa okay hello people! It's amazing to see people actually reading this haha  
anyway thanks a bunch for dropping by I know this isn't the best thing a person will read (sorry!)  
okay so I think that the NedDen is going to be super gradual through this with a lot of other denmark pairings thrown in (already seen the DenIce probably no more of that maybe who knows, but there will be DenBela DenBel DenGer past DenNor and mentions of others idek as well as a few Ned pairings that are just mentions.)  
But yeah I hope you enjoy this!

[By the way this chapter is a bit *~*NSFW*~* and with hetero sex (I'm sorry straight sex isn't my strong point)]

* * *

_Mathias was the one who called it quits with Lukas.  
He was tired, so fucking sick and tired for being blamed for everything. For being told he was the reason his precious Norge was so fucked up, why Iceland hadn't grown up fast enough, why their entire family fell apart. Everything was always Mathias's fault and whenever he tried to break away he was dragged back in with a single blink of an eye. He was tired of making love to a man who didn't love him, he was tired of giving attention to a man who treated him like shit no matter how hard he tried. _

_He was tired of the mind games. Endless and occuring in every way possible._

_Anybody who knew him would have said that insanity hit him as soon as he discovered a love for breaking things, furniture, people, everything. That's what made him so dangerous when he was younger. He talked back to Scania continuously, just to piss him off. When Scania taught the others to mask their emotions with a poker face he just smiled. What was wrong with emotion?_

_He found out very quickly what was wrong with it. He cared to much, he tried too much and all of the people within his little family of 5 began to hate him. He hated himself as much as they did, too loud, too obnoxious.  
He loved how he'd managed to hide so much for so long behind a little smile and a spike in anger. That's all it would take. But as soon as he was being told that he was worthless, that nobody wanted him around. Well. He stopped talking to the entire group. Iceland. Sweden. Finland. Norway._

_So first he cut himself off from Lukas. _

_"__I'm done. Lukas I'm done. I'm finished with you, with everybody. You made me crazy. You fucked with my head." He tugged on his hair, hands rubbing down his face, he needed it out, the feelings. He hated feelings. Actual feelings. He hated them so much. He hated...and hated...everything._

_"__You'll come back. You always do Mathias." The Norwegian chuckled to himself. "You're too pathetic to be able to live without anybody. I mean look at you are you really going to leave? Nobody is going to put up with your insanity the way I have. Just give up, put everything back and come back to bed already. God if you want some attention I'll give it to you."_

_"Do you really think so less of me? I think you forgot who I am exactly." He hissed out at him, hands balling into fists._

_"You? You're nothing without me you need me. You can't just go. Like I said you're too pathetic."_

_Mathias's lips twitched up into a small smile, hollow. "...yeah too pathetic...that's me...Attention seeker haha... im a fucking waste of space, a stupid man, no not a man a monster. Murderer. I'm of no use. I. Am. Nothing. And you've told me this since the first day I met you. Well Norge, I guess you're right. I can't not have anybody. And you're wrong. Other people are better than you." He tipped his head back and laughed, wiping under his eyes as hot frustrated tears streamed down his cheeks. Kissing the Norwegian on the lips lightly he shakes his head and walks off towards the door, suitcase in tow. "But I get to chose who I have in my life. And I don't want you in it."_

_Lukas looked so taken aback, his mouth hanging open as he stared the Dane down. Suddenly he appeared so big as if he'd finally recognised the strength Mathias did possess. And he did notice that, he noticed the fear flash in his eyes, the way his breathing came quicker. Could almost swear he could hear his pulse. It was panic._

_"__Mathias."_

_"__Don't fucking mention my name," He squeezed his eyes closed, trying to ignore the wavering in Lukas's voice. Keeping his back to him he took another step away._

_"__Denmark...You can't actually be serious..."_

_"__Don't try to contact me, just never talk to me ever again. Step a foot in my country without it being for business reasons and don't think ya won't be ending up like Sve." _

_"__Denmark please."_

_"__I don't...want to...love you anymore Norge. It's over. You, me, this whole thing. It's done." Straightening up to his full height he walked off, never looking back, not even when the other called out to him to get his stupid ass back. He ignored the calls. The texts. He carried on as normal without the extra baggage._

_And from there he just stopped caring._

Mathias sat straight up, his breath coming out in wheezes as he was hit with a bucket of real life. Only a dream. The same fucking dream as always. Biting his bottom lip he shook his head, the body he wore was what had the reactions. He felt nothing just calm, numbness just nothing but the body was still wheezing. Touching his eyes he felt tears, hot tears running down his cheeks and he didn't know why they were there.

He wasn't sad.

Taking in a deeper breath he reached across his bedside table for his pills and flask. Prescription medicine was something he fought to get his hands on and his bosses, no, they worked to keep him alive, his government happily gave it to them after they realised how he could get without it. If those didn't work all the other tablets he got were from Lars, the fun kind of drugs that would get rid of the dreams still caked in the corners of his eyes quicker than what he was taking on a regular basis. The Dane swallowed down a few, followed very quickly by whatever liquor was in the flask, vodka he was guessing from the taste. He was careful not to disturb the Dutchman sleeping in his bed when he slipped on a shirt lying around on the ground and padded out to the lounge to pull himself onto the windowsill, turn on some music and light a cigarette while he waited for the pills to kick in. Sitting back he watched the city lights sparkle off the water and strained his ears to hear traffic coming from the roads. It was beautiful he guessed, all pretty coloured houses and water, well that's what a majority of the pictures were online.

He watched as people left to go to work, 6 in the morning and he'd only had less that a couple of hours sleep. He'd live. Not like he had a choice. And just as he was watching a car that really caught his attention drive by he felt the affect of the pills finally and grinned, just grinned and started laughing to himself. Finally the calm started to wash over him, the brilliant numbness that had him focusing on only one thing than trying to sort through all the thoughts begging to be payed attention to. He was aware that he was worse, it was harder to shut those thoughts up, the urges to destory everything around him. At his worst he'd scream, cry, break everything he could get his hands on. Only when he was 100% sober would he lose all touch with reality and he wouldn't understand why he'd be that way, why he'd be so violent all he knew is that he just was. It took drugs, it took alcohol, it took everything to have him O.K and eventually he'd settle down, he'd be able to function. He wasn't the only one suffering from that.

Insanity.

The alcohol, the numbness and weed, the sex and caffeine it kept him going.

Made him harmless enough.

He could take one look at some of the nations in meetings and pin point the exact things wrong with them, Spain was sitting in the same category he was, as was Finland. They sorted through their problems differently he supposed, however anxiety, paranoia, so many of those things were flashing signs around many of the nations. They were broken down, worn out and tired of the same old bullshit. He felt sorry for Egypt, for Turkey, and Greece who had lived much longer than the rest of them, they'd seen more bullshit than anybody. But they were still okay, still working, they seemed calmer than everybody else, like they sort of enjoyed it. He didn't understand that at all. They found the younger nation's misfortunes amusing, he was starting to join in on that, laughing whenever he was told about another fuck up in the States. He never took Alfred seriously. He didn't take a lot of them seriously, just talking out their asses and waiting for some pretty dollars to fix up their mistakes.

And no shit he was thinking too much about everything. Sinking his head between his knees he took in a deep breath and pressed the dimming end of his cigarette to his arm, bringing him back to land of the almost living. So close to crawling back into that dark place that stank of bad history and reeked of bullshit, bullshit everything was fucking bullshit.

"Lars?" He croaked after a while, his distraction no longer working, his skin healed as soon as the cigarette dropped. Accepting the fact he went unheard he fell quiet again. Fucking perks of being a nation, the healing process for him though was unnaturally fast for their kind. You kill him he still walks, you hurt him he heals immediately but there's always a bruise left behind for weeks after, you do that to any of the others and it takes 12 hours to heal. He was just so numb all the time, pain never lasted, proper emotion hadn't touched him for centuries. Just an uncomfortable numbness. Yeah just slap on a smile Danmark and everything will be just peachy. Fine and fucking .

Mathias ran his hands through his hair making a mental note to do something with that and soon and stretched his arms up until they popped, rolling his shoulders back he flicked the snuffed out smoke out the window and slipped off his spot on the windowsill to pad into the kitchen. Once the sound of boiling water in the jug came to a finish he fixed himself a one half coffee one half whiskey. Perfect start to the day he thought, two of the things he needed the most.

Much later after downing a couple of cups of liquor laced coffee and onto his third the Dane was forced to put down his book at the sound of his mobile going off, caller I.D. reading a name that was definitely making his day.

"Hello Natalia, I was starting to worry you'd found somebody else."

"Yeah, yeah I'm sure. Look are you free the next two days?"

"Oh wow yeah I'm great too thank you so much for asking." He idly circled the rim of his cup, biting the inside of his cheek before answering her question. Lars was staying here...well...he could get him out for a couple of hours... "Freer than free."

"Haha. Very funny. I'll be at yours ten minutes. And I want to watch something before we do anything. By the way set up the spa."

"I'll put the movies on the computer. And order Chinese for later."

She chuckled quietly on her end of the line, it was rare but it happened to many people's surprise. Musical almost. "You know me so well Mr Danmark."

"See you soon Miss Belarusi." He made kissing noises through to her until she hung up leaving him to laugh to himself and get to work dragging the Dutchman out of bed.

Yeah today was going to get a lot better.

**xxx**

It turned out that he didn't need to make up some bullshit to get Lars out of the house, he was already leaving to find a non-stingy dealer and get some blueberries on Mathias's request. And soon enough he was gone and the Dane was already tiding the loft up a little, and himself. Nicest clothes (he always wore nice clothes, designer doesn't come cheap (that's a lie all it takes is a blowjob at fashion week)), perfect hair (as always), look like a perfect fucking model for one of the most well known mental case's sister. Russia wasn't even that bad, actually he was a fucking ball. Mathias remembered well when the little albino dickhead was trying to attack the Russian when they were younger and fell straight through the ice seeing as he didn't seem to understand that 'ice won't hold a few hundred pounds of metal', Russia threw himself at him afterwards and started strangling the shit out of him and well, Mathias and Sweden sat watching on the side lines laughing their asses off in the snow as it all happened. Good times.

By the time he had everything sorted out that the Belarusian had requested three short bangs on the door pulled his attention away. Quickly fixing his appearance in the reflection of the windows he greeted the blonde at the door with his best smile.

"It's always so lovely for you to come by." He leaned against the door frame once he had it open, arms crossed and blocking her path as she stared up at him unimpressed.

"America doesn't fuck well despite what half the world says. Too small. You're better." Natalia looked him over from head to toe, lips pulling up into a small smirk. She liked what she saw.

"I knew you found another boy toy you little liar."

"You're screwing Belgium as well don't give me any of that."

"By the way did I ever tell you that you exactly like Vlada Roslyakova?" It was a not so subtle subject change but it worked. A quirk of her eyebrow hinted at an unsaid question but she didn't pry any further.

"No you haven't but thank you I get that a lot, now come on and invite me in like a good boy."

"What have you got for me I need a little bribery."

"I have a vagina that you can shove your dick in is that good enough?" Natalia raised both her eyebrows expectantly, lips pouted.

"Always so blunt." He laughed either way and let her through.

They'd been fuck buddies for a while, ever since one of the meetings where Mathias muttered loud enough for Sweden to hear 'I am on the verge of fucking stabbing England if he doesn't shut up in a few seconds' and you couldn't blame Mathias for wanting to either, the Englishman was ranting on and on about how fucking amazing his television shows were blah blah blah and luckily for him that day sitting right beside him was Belarus herself. Hearing him she took it upon herself do to what he was itching to do and flicked a bread knife in England's direction, stabbing into the wall a few centimetres short of his head. After the meeting he'd pulled her aside and pulled out the charm as he thanked her, she told him to cut the bullshit and they screwed in one of the supply closets. They left with each other's numbers and a silent promise that it'd happen again and sure enough it did.

Multiple times.

Many multiples of times and it was great.

It turned out she had a thing for tall pale men, luckily for him he was pale, and probably third equal with Lars for being one of the tallest nations in Europe with Germany only just snapping at their heels at fourth. So anyway they both had fantastic sex thanks to the fact he fit her standards, and he couldn't have been more okay with the whole set up. So that's how they got to where they were now, a few years of on and off consistent sex and the occasional sort-of-but-not-really date made them pretty good friends. She liked children's movies, he liked fairy tales, she liked strong liquor, he preferred that over beer most days, she liked to be fucked like the other person hated her, he was down with that too. They fitted together well, rubbed each other up the right ways in more than one context. Their personalities clashed a little bit but they worked. Not like him and Lars, never like her and Lichtenstein but close enough. There whole friendship was out of the blue, Alice was surprised needless to say when she found out.

After a quick catch up they'd ended up outside on the deck in the spa as she'd asked with Ice Age on the laptop and enough flavoured shots to keep them going during the movie. Eventually his hand ended up stroking the inside of her thigh, inching up bit by bit to her core with every brush of his fingers and she just sat back and smiled faintly, enjoying the contact and knowing fully well she'd get what she'd want if she waited long enough.

If patience was something she actually had, that was. Instead Mathias ended up with a lap-full of Belarusian and her lips pressed insistently against his, teeth dragging his bottom lip between her teeth before she sucked at it, tongue soothing over where the skin had broken. He hummed happily against her, fingers shifting their position to get her legs hooked on around his waist before he stood up, keeping her attached to his lips and hips. Pulling away he gasped for air, her attention quickly turning to marking up the sides of his jaw and down his neck, purple and red quickly appearing on the pale canvas of his skin just the way he liked it, they both liked reminders. He felt her lips mouthing words against him, it took his focus to try and translate them to what he could understand as she panted out in her native tongue..._fuck me like you hate me...you know how I like it..._

He moved her with easy into the living room, her mouth finding his again and holding him as close as they could, the cold of their skin warming up rapidly the more they moved, the more they touched. Ignoring the things on the coffee table he leaned forward until her back hit the wood, keeping a tight hold on the back of her neck, keeping the contact between their mouths and play of their tongues while his free hand made it's way between her thighs, slipping between her folds, his thumb pressed hard against her clitoris. She hissed out curses against his mouth, legs still wrapped around his waist and tensing with the attention to her sex. Mathias made a noise akin to a pleased growl as her hands skimmed down his chest and up again to his arms, tracing the lines of muscle to his hands, twitching violently when his fingers curled inside her just the right way, the sudden change of position surprising her as she reached her peak. The Dane got the message soon enough, mumbling to the Belarusian about the use of a condom and he almost grinned when she shook her head, there was no way a nation could create children, their bodies sterile, so there was no point, and they'd both done it this long enough to know they kept clean.

Natalia took his wrist in her hands and pulled it away, trying to hold back the urge to push it back in and deeper she let her arm fall useless to her side as Mathias pushed his way in easily with aid to the self lubrication of them both, her eyes rolling back as he filled her up. Her legs pulled him close, trying to get him in deeper, urge him to move. He wouldn't have needed to be told twice, he knew, but he chose to ignore it for a moment and lose the grip he hand on the back of her neck to follow the bumps of her spine, the action causing her to push her chest against his. The Belarusian glowered at him from between heavy lids, teeth locked tight together while she panted through her nose, they always kept quiet. No unnecessary talk. The warning was clear enough and he laughed, the frustration radiating off her amusing. However when she decided to move herself with a sharp snap of her hips his laugh broke off into a gasp and he gave her what she wanted. They fell into a pattern they'd long since memorised, the pressure and speed more than enough each time they connected hip to hip, rough. It was always a rough act between the two of them, violent, teeth and nails marking into skin, Mathias's fingers re-working at her clitoris to bring her to a second orgasm before himself.

His mouth was at her throat, mouthing bruises into alabaster when she finally did, the hitch in her breath sounding suspiciously like a whine and Mathias followed not too soon afterwards. The Dane rode out his release with shallow rocking of his hips until he was entirely limp and pulled out to rest next to her, pulling a face at Natalia when he turned his head to the side and found her staring at him.

"I'm using your shower, join in me in five." Natalia's lips twitched up into a small smile before she stood up, stretching her arms behind her head.

"Five?" Mathias rose an eyebrow.

"I have to get myself clean surprisingly enough."

"I'll order us some dinner while I wait for her royal highness to call me in."

"Smartass."

Five minutes turned to thirty,dinner was ordered, had arrived and was put in the microwave to stay warm, before he was 'summoned' to the bathroom and was dragged in under the spray of shower water and forced to sit down. Natalia sat down behind him, massaging shampoo and conditioner into his hair. That was another thing that had surprised him about her when they first started this, the way she loved to share a shower. She'd explained it to him once, how she always did it for her sister when she was feeling shit about her situation and occasionally for Ivan when he was at his worst. It kind of grew on her and every time they showered it was automatic for her to want to do it for him and so Mathias let her, it was nice anyway so it wasn't going to complain Alice would do the same thing when he was in the bath. Sve used to as well.

After she was done she left to let him do the rest and slipped out, after that he took his time to scrub his body down before shutting off the flow of water and sticking his head down the door while she reappeared silently and dried his hair with quick rubs of a towel. Shaking it out he stepped out finished off the rest for himself and left to claim the window seat while she brushed her hair to perfection, the book he was reading before she called was still open to the page he was last on and from there he continued until Natalia made an appearance. Not too long afterwards she was sitting beside him, head rested against his shoulder reading along with him.

As the silence between them dragged on Mathias abandoned the novel and turned to her. "Natalia what's wrong?"

She was quiet, her eyes staying down for a while she shook her head slowly. "I think you'd understand...It's stupid but..."

"Are you saying I understand only stupid things? Oh how you wound me."He tipped her chin up with the side of his hand, keeping it there until she looked up at him. Tucking hair behind her ear he dropped her hand as soon as he got the eye contact he wanted. "Come on I know it's not stupid Nat, you don't come over looking like this unless something has happened.

The Belarusian shook her head a second time. "You know I'm not. You understand what it's like to love somebody that doesn't love you back the same way they used to correct? I came here because you're positive, you're overly enthusiastic and that's what I needed right now...like a distraction almost...Amerika was too much for me to handle at the time."

"Is it about Toris?"

Natalia fell silent again and stared at the Dane. Nodding to himself he left and came back with a blanket in hand and arranged the pillows in the alcove to be more comfortable for them both before he wrapped the comforter around her and wrapped an arm around her waist to pull her close until her head was resting on his shoulder, platinum cascading down his arm as she moved to get comfortable.

"This is really good." He showed her the cover of the book, the dark skinned woman on the cover looking striking against the white background and the golden lettering of the title. "Should I read out loud?"

He felt her smile against his neck and she nodded. and he'd transitioned from reading out loud to plunging the room into a comfortable quiet.

"Так."

**xxx**

Sometime during him reading she'd fallen asleep at his side and he'd picked her up and over to the bed, she'd muttered something under her breath in protest before lapsing back into sleep as soon as he'd settled down beside her and he transitioned from reading out loud to reading to himself, plunging the room into a comfortable quiet. As it grew later he was distinctly aware of the sound of the front door being opened and Lars announcing his arrival back, footfall up the stairs followed his voice when no immediate reply met him. Mathias was keeping quiet to let the Belarusian on his shoulder sleep for longer.

Lars froze when he saw her. Mathias grinned and lifted a finger to his lips to silently shush the other male.

"Is that...?" The Dutchman whispered gesturing towards Natalia.

"Mhm."

"You weren't joking when you said you were doing her were you?"

"She makes the call. No strings attached it's okay. And don't worry." Mathias pushed hair out of her face before smiling wider up at the sandy haired male. "She's only going to be here till midday tomorrow and then it's bro time all over again."

"Did you whoo her over with your dick the size of your ego or..?"

Before he had the chance to come back with a (witty) comeback Natalia chuckled against his arm while she shifted closer to the blonde at her side, her fingers spreading across his chest. Mathias had to bite back a laugh, he knew what she was doing and it was working. Lars shifted uncomfortably at the door, his arms crossing in front of his chest and the surprise of the Belarusian actually being awake was being masked by indifference.

"That and he fits my criteria of 'fuckable'." Natalia muttered he head turning enough to press her mouth to the Dane's throat.

"My winning personality just happened to be a bonus." Mathias tipped his head to the side to give her more access, his attention however staying on the Dutchman. "I take you two have met at some point ja?"

"I've seen him around but...we haven't met officially..." She murmured sleepily against Mathias's neck, tongue pressing against slowly fading bruises, her other hand cupping his opposite cheek to keep him still.

"Natalia, Lars, Lars, Natalia. And Neddy~ you're sleeping on the couch only for a night, there's Chinese in the fridge."

"An absolute _pleasure_ to meet you Miss Belarus. I'll...leave you two to it." Lars made the quickest possible exit that he could. The tense hold of his shoulders being noted by the Dane before he was rolled over onto his back by Natalia as soon as the Dutchman left. She was hovering over him with her legs on either side of his thighs, his thin wrists caught in both her hands as she kissed him deeply, mapping the already familiar territory of his mouth. She moved his arms and he let her, smiling against her lips as she guided his fingers into her sex and held him in place as she rocked against him her head resting against his collarbones so he could feel her eyelashes brushing against inked skin, it didn't take her too long to reach her climax. As soon as she was done she decided to be kind enough to use the duvet to wipe his fingers against, ignoring his complaints she swung her leg back over and left him on his respectable side of the bed. Mathias rolled over onto his side to look at her, Natalia already in the same position, hands balled up beside her face.

"You know he loves you right?" she said after a while.

Sarcastically he replied. "Everybody loves me."

"I definitely don't." Natalia muttered in a matter-of-fact way.

"I know."

"Norge did."

Mathias lay on his back as empty laughs coursed through his body.

* * *

Так - Yes  
Vlada Roslyakova (she's absolutely gorgeous by the way)  
24 media tumblr com/tumblr_lz5v0b398m1qcah0do1_r1_1280 jpg (put . in the spaces)


	3. the end is unkown

blah this chapter makes no sense to me so I'm really sorry I was just going with the flow plus I wanted to post it before the weekend ended  
anyway thanks so much for the reviews you guys are really lovely!  
(by the way there is some gore in this during the end and also recreational drug use, enjoy!)

oh man I've been watching hannibal so much lately, there might be a few accidental references that slip in during this story  
very sorry about my writing but hope you like it enough (:

* * *

Natalia had convinced Mathias to bike out to the nearest beach before she fell asleep again, he himself hadn't slept at all. Instead he'd gone downstairs to make something for their lunches the next day, drank to get drunk and biked around the outskirts of the city with his music in staring up at the stars and watching the condensation from his lungs mingle with the cold of the air until the sun came up and melted the frost that started to claim everything during the night. Lars was still sleeping on the couch by the time he came home and showered, packed the lunches away into a tote and woke the Belarusian up from her beauty sleep. She'd gone directly to the bathroom to get herself ready and Mathias hung out the window smoking until she was done. When they'd gone downstairs Lars was nowhere in sight, figuring he bolted as soon as he'd heard movement upstairs they carried on with their day, a coffee for breakfast, cigarette no.2 for Mathias and then they were biking to the beach, coats flapping at their ankles. It being a Sunday morning meant the traffic wasn't nearly as hellish as it might have been, the odd car drove slowly past them and they both biked in silence, not a word spoken between them. The sound of the water from the docks, the blowing of the wind and the odd seabird were what prevented it from being too quiet, the morning sky was only still turning pink as the sun rose on the horizon, eating away at the dark that Mathias had previously been walking in.

"It's so early." Natalia said quietly after a moment, Mathias chuckled and tucked his hands into the pockets of his coat, feet still peddling quickly.

"Yeah, it is. It'd be better to get out there earlier anyway it takes a while on bike."

"We should have taken the motorbike."

"It's a Sunday. Not practical."

It wasn't that really, practicality wasn't a thing he was familiar with and anybody who knew him would agree. Mathias just found it was more relaxing, it was easier to get there on the motorbike he wouldn't deny it but the slight work out was something he found comfort in. Lars agreed with him on that, that was probably what helped their relationship as friends some, a lot of mutual likes and dislikes that seemed to work around each other to the point their ties were inseparable. Despite the fact he was acting weird last night and in the morning with how quickly he left, their friendship had survived some of the worst situations.

Though Mathias was getting curious to know if what Natalia said was true, she was able to read people like they were open books, well most people anyway. They had dated briefly before so at least once upon a time it was a fact that he did harbour some feelings for Mathias that the Dane was aware of and there were some flings after that but still they remained joined at the hip no matter what. There was still something deep in his stomach that kept the thought, constantly nagging at him since the night before. Mathias had always depended on Lars to _just be there_, they were always together one way or another, and perhaps maybe the Dutchman did depend on him the same way and more. The way him and Lukas used to be before the collapse of the union. The way him and Berwald used to be before they'd found out about who and _what_ the other really was. Though the Dane couldn't see anytime in the future the two of them falling out the way he had with the others. It was impossible.

No.

Improbable.

It couldn't happen.

Never.

It had warmed up significantly since they'd left the house, the two of them enjoying the sun on their faces as they sat on the wharf with their legs swinging over the side of the banister while they picked at pastries Mathias had prepared the night before and sipped at iced tea out of mason jars. The wind was stronger there, the sun shining down at them in a cloudless sky but the air crisp cancelling out any hope of warmth. Mathias kept his eyes out on the water watching the lazy shift of waves and the people enjoying what it had to offer. Couples and families and friends gathered in clusters up and down the stretch of sand, the sound of their laughter carrying along with the sea breeze and dissipating into the sound of the ocean. It was nice, probably the only part of nature the Dane wouldn't shy away from and grimace at, peaceful but loud at the same time, and the ocean...  
He loved the ocean, everything about it how it could be dangerous, how it was wild and just so unpredictable and the sound of the sea life, the birds and the water. It was the second best place to home, comforting in a way that a warm bed with plenty of blankets couldn't be.

Mathias rested his head in his hand, the other holding onto his jar tightly, leisurely sucking at the straw poking out the top. His gaze strayed from the scenery to the Belarusian staring out in the opposite direction towards the horizon, even at that angle he could make out the small frown in her lips and the balling of her hands. It probably was about Toris, he'd gotten a fair idea over how she felt about him during his time knowing her, she felt for him, she just didn't know how to show it and when she finally managed to learn how, he'd just given up, well that's what Mathias had understood from what she'd told him. Shifting his chin from his hand to her shoulder he wound an arm around her waist in a half hug.

"You should talk to him about it." He finally said after a moment, waiting for her to relax. Immediately after he'd spoken she'd frozen right back up again.

"Who." Natalia's voice sounded strained.

"Toris. If it really is how you say it is you need to tell him how you feel, just do it now and see if it's too late or not. Attraction doesn't die off that quickly." Idly he played with a strand of her hair, caught between two fingers as it whipped around her shoulders. "You deserve something good Nat."

Natalia sat completely still in the Dane's arms for a few moments before she took his hand in hers and leaned back against him. His thumb ran over the top of hers in soothing circles, humming quietly he stared off to where the clear line was drawn between sea and sky.

"The universe owes you something amazing Mathias." She sounded so small, her voice quiet and almost wavering, holding her a little closer Mathias pecked the side of her cheek, lips lingering for a bit before tucking his head back against her shoulder. The Dane smiled and shook his head lightly.

"Lets focus on it giving something back to you first."

She reached back to flick the cap on his head, hair artfully gelled in it's normal style around the studded cap, the spikes haphazardly pointing out horizontally. He laughed and snatched up her wrist to playfully nip at the back of her hand. It resulted in the two of them (carefully) wrestling each other back off the ledge and onto the middle of the wharf, needless to say they both received some concerned and slightly disturbed looks. Mathias burst out laughing before standing up, a hand extended down to the Belarusian who smiled in mirth. They brushed themselves down before collecting up their things and deciding to go for a walk along the beach before they had to leave for the airport. Occasionally Mathias would look over at the female and note the bags under her eyes, the way she managed to pull off looking tired and fierce at once, he figured she had a lot on her mind at the moment. They chatted more about the situation with Lithuania, about how she could go about it, how she truly felt.

"You said attraction like that can't die off fast. Does that mean you're not over _him_ entirely?"

The Dane stopped in his tracks, once the other noticed he'd stopped moving she stopped as well, her head tipped to the side questionably and an eyebrow kinked. Mathias stared down at her levelly before shrugging, a sigh leaving him as he kicked a shell out of his way and continued leaving his footprints in the sand.

"I think I stopped loving him a long time before I told him it was over Nat." He was taken by surprise when she reached up to grab onto the sides of his face and pull him down to her level, lips pushed out in a ridiculous manner. She looked him in the eye, her stare almost soul searching before she let go, expression soft and took one of his hands in hers.

"You were telling the truth." She muttered, hair blowing in front of her face making her have to constantly push it back in place, Mathias smiled, a bitter edge to it when he dug around in his pocket for a rubber band to tie back the Belarusian's hair. "...What did he do to you? What did he do to make you feel absolutely nothing for him after all that infatuation for so long?"

"He fucked me up that's what."

Natalia turned around, touching the corners of his lips until the smile slowly withered away.

"He really did."

**xxx**

They walked longer than they'd originally planned, silence stretching between them until Mathias gently nudged Natalia's arm playfully, it resulted in him and her chasing each other back to the bikes, pushing and shoving each other towards the ocean and into the sand. The earlier gloom from earlier completely dispersed as childishly play fiught while families watched on. The Dane's laughter loud and hysterical and Natalia's a lot quieter, her amusement clear from the smile on her face and the occasional short chuckle. Mathias took pride in the fact he was able to get the Belarusian out of her shell and have some fun, strange as it may be for people who knew who to see it became common place as soon as he found out how to approach her properly. In the end the Dane ended up scooping the writhing female up into his arms and tossed her in the sea, laughing his ass off at her shriek.

He wasn't anticipating the knife that came his way afterwards.

After narrowly dodging the blade and getting Natalia out of the water and onto dry land they were on their way back to Mathias's place, and in his kindness he'd given her his jacket and the promise of spare clothes. As soon as they'd gotten back to his he'd dug around in his closet until he found something suitable for the Belarusian, she'd glared at him for a while before snatching the clothes off him, causing him to snicker again while he was trying to call a taxi to take her to the airport. Mathias turned his back to her to carefully fold her things into a towel and place it in a plastic bag.

Mathias sucked in a surprised breath when he felt arms wrap around his waist and pull him close, Natalia's head hidden between his shoulder blades as she hugged him from behind. Movement suggested she was moving up onto her tip toes and true enough a pair of lips attached themselves tenderly to the back of the Dane's neck. A silent thank you.

"It's crazy how much one person can affect you and your feelings, isn't it?" He murmured after a few moments of silence, dropping the bag on his desk he picked her up in a hug by her waist and pulled her up till her feet didn't touch the ground, Natalia curled her arms and legs around him, forehead resting against his shoulder.

"I hate it so much."

"I know."

"Thank you for dealing with me." She sighed. "Nobody else got to know me enough for me to feel comfortable to..."

"I understand. I guess I just got extremely lucky to get to know you. You act so different around me Natalia darling I wonder why that is."

"It's because you aren't scared of me. That's why I like you hanging around you. You treat me like an actual person and not just 'that psychotic bitch'."

He laughed quietly and pressed a kiss to her forehead before letting her down. "I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't."

The Belarusian's eyes looked over his face, the faintest hint of a smile playing at her lips before she brushed the backs of her fingers across his cheeks. Automatically he moved into the touch, keeping their eyes locked for as long as he could manage. She was gorgeous no doubt, perfect porcelain complexion, a great personality underneath the whole ice queen default. He could've loved her if she didn't love somebody already, and anyway he preferred this relationship the friendship and the non-awkward booty calls. A knock at the door broke the tranquility between them and they both made their way downstairs, exchanging one last long hug and a quick cheeky kiss on Mathias's behalf before she was on her way with a simple goodbye. He leaned against the door frame waving to her until she was out of sight before hiding himself back inside

Lars still wasn't back when the Dane took claim of the couch, laptop pulled onto his lap while he flicked through webpage after bookmarked webpage, looking for something to take his mind off noticing the absence of his friend. With his headphones plugged in he quietly watched a few programs, almost having a heart attack when he saw Mads Mikkelsen in a 'new' series and immediately took to passing the time watching that and ignoring the world around him. He missed the sound of the front door opening and closing, he missed the sound of footsteps going into the kitchen shortly followed by the jug being turned on to boil the water, and he missed the sound of the footsteps coming back into the lounge moments later and only looked up, surprised at the not-so-sudden appearance of the Dutchman placing a pot of tea on the table in front of him with a couple of tea cups either side. Resting his headphones around his neck he stretched his arms up and gave the other a lazy smile.

"Where have you been all day mister?"

"Shopping, biking, eating, meeting up with a few people you know the usual." Lars began pouring the tea into the cups, a spoonful of sugar in each. "Now here's my peace offering for disappearing on you so early, tea?"

"Since when did we drink tea?"

"Since I found a dealer who decided to tell me how to make Psilocybin mushrooms into tea- What's with that smile?"

"Nothing I just watched something talking about this. Continue." He flicked his laptop screen down and reached for one of the drinks.

"I have nothing else to say, now drink up so I can get the sparklers out." The Dutchman patted a box beside him before wandering over to the stereo, the electronic beat making Mathias smile, raising his eyebrows he laughed quietly.

"God I love you sometimes."

The Dane chose ignore whatever Lars muttered under his breath and took to downing glass after glass until he felt sick. The feeling eventually settled and he sat back, leaning bodily against the other male as it kicked in. The world seemingly fuzzy around the edges, everything melting into each other the walls appearing as if they were breathing. Colours turned more intense, the music sounded deeper, clearer. A promise of a good trip.

He thought so anyway.

_The Norwegian was screaming curses at Mathias, it was a constant stream of anger, resentment, guilt, blame being thrown in his face. Each cruel word felt as if the wounds that were spread across the Dane's body inflicted by Lukas's own hands, were having acid thrown onto them, constantly keeping them oozing and open and painful. Though Mathias didn't say a word, he just sat there and took the abuse. He understood the other felt weak sometimes, that he felt broken and used, that he needed somebody to lash out at once in a while._

_What was Sve for after all._

_But he still couldn't shake off how it felt to try so hard to be enough and just get everything thrown back in his face time after time. He loved Lukas with every inch of his body, he loved everything about him from his voice to his physical features to his fears he just loved Lukas. But yet. It was never enough for the Norwegian, Mathias was just something to walk all over, to put down. He felt like he'd never be close to 'enough' for Lukas, never be what he wants, what he needs. Not the way he was to Mathias, never. So the Dane just smiled, he smiled and cried quietly as he was screamed at until the smaller nation's voice went hoarse, until Mathias forgot about his own strength and the table ledge he was clinging onto snapped under his fingers like a twig. But he wasn't going to say anything for once, he wasn't going to tell him he loved him no matter what, he wasn't going to make himself look weak and he wasn't going to feed anymore fuel into the fire that was Lukas's temper. He was going to keep his modesty by staying silent and still. _

_But when that small hand clamped around his throat trying to choke the air from his lungs, saying he was useless, that nobody could ever love something so weak and hatred burned in his navy eyes as they locked on with Mathias's that was the first time the Dane had ever been violent towards the Norwegian. It was in that moment that __he realised that he meant nothing to him, that the gorgeous Norwegian with the platinum hair and the cruel twist of words was absolutely nothing but a sad boy who depended on others to survive. If anybody was pathetic, Mathias thought, it was the nation desperately trying to take oxygen away from him. __His fist made contact with the smaller male's chest, any reign on his strength completely loose and his hand pushed straight through skin and muscle, a sickening crack of ribs as his fingers curled around the panicked thumping of Lukas's heart._

_And as he stared into the fading light of the personification of Norway's eyes he grinned, a Cheshire grin spreading from cheek to cheek as he slowly accepted the emptiness into his head that had been eating at his personal walls for decades and eventually numbness fogged his mind. The smaller male looked so fragile, with his body limp and only being held up by Mathias's hand, with his blood dripping down the Dane's wrist. It was comical almost. Apart from the fact that there was still that little voice at the back of his head telling him that this should be terrifying. And that voice got louder and louder until he was trembling and he dropped the lifeless vessel to the ground. Stepping back he kept his eyes on the gaping hole on Norge's chest as it slowly stitched itself back up.  
_

_"Don't worry. I think I hate you too." His voice didn't sound like his own, and slapping his hands over his mouth he ran as fast as he could.  
_

Norge_ woke up a day later, confused and sweating profusely when he caught sight of the Dane sitting at the end of his bed idly rolling a cigarette between his lips. Mathias waved at him enthusiastically before turning his attention back to the stick of nicotine and left him alone. He was found hours earlier by Lars, the Dutchman holding the sobbing Dane to his chest, he'd lost control, he'd forgotten to hold back, he'd hurt the smaller male worse than he thought he was capable of; yet the numb feeling grew gradually began to start eating away at his emotions, it would take years for it to finally take hold of him and turn him into the mess he'd be in the future but for then he cried until he had nothing left in his system.  
_

_"I'll pretend everything is okay, that nothing is different." Mathias wiped angrily under his eyes. "I'll make it all better I'll fix this."_

_"Do you think he'll let you?"_

_"Probably not."_

_And then Sverige took Norge away from him. _

_They all left. Every single one of them. _

_Mathias was alone and things started to get bad again. _

He snapped out of the flash back with a start and immediately was struck with a wave of disorentation, finding himself on the roof, sitting right on the ledge and gaze turned down to the pavement. Wrapping his arms around himself he climbed down and made his way back to his loft on shaking legs. His personal nightmare still jeered at the back of his head, the repressed memory trickling through the barriers he'd built up and he collapsed to his knees, and with his head in his hands he wailed.

Everything hit him like a ton of bricks.

**xxx**

By the time he'd managed to stumble back into his flat, hands against the wall for support he practically sprinted right for the bathroom, tripping over his own feet in the process as anxiety started trying to take it's hold on him. He was completely ignored by the Dutchman who was lying back on his couch mumbling to himself about wonderings of the universe with the sparklers above his head when he burst inside and clambered up the stairs. Upon entering the bathroom he crouched down over the toilet bowl and emptied his guts, contaminating the toilet water with his lunch. He waited until his stomach stopped heaving before pulling himself back up and getting into a change of clothes, wrapping up warm in hopes of getting rid of the shivers making his bones ache. He brushed his teeth and washed his face before looking into the mirror and considered getting into the foundation to hide the mass of freckles across his face, at least for a shred of dignity.

After deciding against it he finally noticed a piece of paper stuck to the mirror with chewing gum, absently rubbing the saliva spot away he read over the short and sharp writing of the Belarusian. _If I look like Vlada Roslyakova you look exactly like a very blonde Tim Borrmann. I wonder what Deutschland would think of that._

At that he had to smile, putting it back in place he pushed his hair away from his face until it sat almost like normal before going downstairs, the shaking subsiding on his way down. Taking up a seat beside the Dutchman he poured himself another cup of the drug and crossed his fingers hoping he would have at least a better experience. Taking a sip he closed his eyes and swished the taste in his mouth for awhile, pleased to find it still warm.

"There's lemon and honey in this?"

"Made a new brew though it'd taste nicer." Lars mumbled quietly, watching the sparkling stick as he danced it past his face.

"It's perfect." He almost jumped when his friend's fingers were dragged across his cheeks.

"You're not covering them up?"

"It's just you and me, I don't see why I should."

"You shouldn't hide them so often...they look really good on you."

Mathias had to fight back the urge to kiss him. Instead he just laughed it off.

* * *

put full stops in the spaces)  
tim borrman - 25 media tumblr com/781d15fb08fecb5d2802fce05e5e6d42/tumblr_mhajj4 pa3h1s2v4guo1_500 jpg


	4. and he lost compsure

aaahhhhhh thanks so much for the likes and such your guys are amazing!  
Anyway I hope this chapter is alright haha I was writing it up at like 2 in the morning so I'm not 100% sure of how well it reads  
oh by the way I don't know if you guys have picked it up yet but I've always had this headcanon of the two of them sort of being a duo in the modeling industry idek but two handsome, tall blonde European males sounds like a great pair.

But yes yes yes do enjoy this chapter (: Can't wait to see the new reviews and such have a great weekend!

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Over a breakfast of strips of beef that had been marinated in lemon and butter overnight and used sandwiched of salad and heated Italian bread Lars and Mathias finished the rest of the tea from the night before and indulged in the pleasant buzz the drug produced. The Dane dug the tip of his knife into the table's surface, barely touching his own food as he watched the other rip into his meal, eating as if his meal was going to be taken away from him. Similar to that of a dog. The smile that came to his face was one of amusement and he started to pick at his breakfast, focusing more on the coffee on the side rather than the food itself. They sat outside, Lars had woken up later than he'd originally planned, Mathias didn't have the heart to wake him up, so the sun was already set high and bleaching the sky white however there was not a single sign of cloud. However the wind was still there with a promising bite to it of potential freezing weather. Licking his lips slowly Mathias was able to taste the weather, it would probably be colder later on.

"What's it with you using jars instead of bottles?" Lars mumbled around a mouthful of bread.

"Just recycling, jars do the same job so I don't see why I shouldn't use them the same way." He held up his own, a little opening in the centre of the lid used for straws. "And anyway they look pretty cute don't you think?"

"You're so gay." the Dutchman coughed under his breath.

"You're gayer."

"Fuck off I am you use more hair product than me."

"You compared my eyes to the colour of the ocean after a storm one morning."

"But they are."

"You're a whole load gayer than me."

The two stared each other down for a while, both their lips quirked up into smiles to contain their laughter despite their attempts to keep straight faces before they both broke out into quiet chuckles and continued on with their brunch. Mathias continued to suck at cigarettes from his packet of Marlboro's, his attention continuously being pulled to the movement of water on the docks, and as soon as the other had finished he collected up their plates, smoke still hanging from his lips and put everything away.

Lars' lips pulled down into a frown when he realised nothing had been touched on the Dane's plate.

He said nothing when Mathias sat back down and finished off his cigarette, legs crossed underneath himself and arm resting lazily on the table as he stared out at the dock. He was still bare of any foundation, freckles dusting across his face and across the painfully obvious bags under his eyes. He hadn't been sleeping properly, no it more like he refused to let himself sleep in the fear of dreaming, the night before was bad enough. Lars pressed his lips together in a thin line and still said nothing as Mathias pulled out another and offered the packet to him, taking one he sat back and savoured the taste of the tobacco while he continued to look over his friend. His hair still hadn't been styled, long fringe pushed to the side to keep it out of the way and the smell of the beach from the day before still clung to his locks, it was very very rare to see him without any product. There was something going on, and it nagged at the Dutchman, a sick feeling in his stomach the more he thought about it. The last time he'd seen Mathias look like that...

It was something to do with that leech of a man.

Norge.

Gritting his teeth Lars dropped his stare. He kept his mouth shut and bit back any comment that he was straining to say.

**xxx**

When they did end up breaking the comfortable silence between them it was to agree on going for a walk, Mathias finally got around to styling his hair and hiding his freckles under layers of foundation he'd nicked off Alice. And they were both comfortably wrapped up in sweaters, collars pocking out over top and after Lars fixed them both a green tea they were out walking around the park small talking about what they'd missed out on with each other. The Dane was all faint smiles and distant eyes, his voice quiet as he talked opposed to how he usually was loud laughter and a grin that could make anybody feel the urge to join in. The circus act was gone, the constant mask starting to fray at the edges to show signs of true exhaustion. He was still able to pull off the boyish charm that radiated off him naturally, groups of school girls whispering amongst themselves as the pair walked by. Lars picked flowers from the grass as they walked, weaving a crown with the remaining flora in the park that was dwindling down to nothing as fall started to drain the life from the trees, it seemed to have been having the same effect on his friend. Winter tended to brighten him up a bit more the cold more inviting and familiar to Mathias than heat.

He however gave Lars a proper grin and a playful nudge to the ribs when the daises were perched on top of his head, stopping on the spot and leaning down a little to give the other the angle he needed to adjust the position before they carried on. Conversation from there picked up a little more, texting each other on the odd occasion when they wanted to say something that may have been otherwise rude when they walked by some of the other people strolling in the park.

"We're supposed to be in Paris by the start of next month yeah?" Mathias said while looking through his calender, his lips pushed together in a pout.

"Uh yeah. It's for fittings and stuff before the 19th why?"

"...January is this Friday."

"FUCK."

Mathias laughed and lit himself another smoke, he knew he'd been sucking on the tubes since the crack of dawn, drinking coffee mixed with whatever alcohol he had to keep himself up longer. It felt as if he'd been trying to breath out, smoke out, choke out the dreams, the memories of his past relationship. The days when things weren't so dull and repetitive. He could also see the way it was effecting Lars to see him with his lips around the tube constantly, the Dutchman smoked pretty heavy himself but each time Mathias pulled out another, his lips would pull down and he'd stare ahead.

He knew that Lars knew.

And the corners of his own lips twitched up into a knowing smirk when the other opened his mouth to ask what the fuck was up. He just shrugged, stuck his hand in his jean pocket to fish out his headphones and walked on. He didn't need to confirm the other's suspicions. Lars knew him better than that, why would he need to ask. He heard the frustrated grow behind him before he turned the music up, smiling wider when the other fell back into step beside him. However that smile slipped when he sped up and stepped in front of Mathias, ripping out the headphones from his ears he dug his fingers into his shoulders to keep the Dane still, entirely exasperated.

"The fuck do you think you're doing?" Mathias said.

"Stop it, just stop this. You've been acting up what's going on?" Lars looked like he was getting desperate. "I hate it when you don't tell me things so please just give me this one solid and tell me why you're trying to make your fucking lungs go out?"

"I don't have to tell you everything. Look I'm fine." Pointedly he blew smoke in the other blonde's face and chuckled. "They'll heal back up again you know me."

"Fragile. You're fragile Dan."

"Excuse fucking me?" Mathias stared blankly at Lars before snuffing out his cigarette on the top of the other's hand until he let go to nurse the wound. "I'm anything but fragile."

"...You're relapsing again..."

"I'm. Fine."

"No you're not, you don't look fine."

"Then stop looking." Mathias sighed and pulled away from the other male, shaking his head. "Please just don't worry about me it'll be fine before we have to go to France."

"Two days."

"I'll be better by then it's just a little low don't worry about a thing."

Lars nodded, eyes narrowed slightly but the conversation was dropped rather quickly. Eventually they went their separate ways, the both of them heading in different directions to shop and along with them went the tension that had been building up between them during their walk. The rain started as soon as they'd parted, Mathias wrapped his arms around himself as it poured above him, and very quickly he found himself drenched and shaking. But instead of going home he just walked, and walked until he was sure he was as far away from the complex as he could be bothered getting. His clothes stuck to him by the time he'd decided to turn back, the sky dark with rain clouds and the water only coming down harder until it stung. His skin was numb when the hail came, his hair stuck to his forehead in a similar fashion as the jersey he wore. Another hour in the weather and his lips were blue, hands and legs trembling when he made his way back up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. He wasn't surprised to see Lars lying asleep on the couch, he wasn't surprised that he stayed that way even when he climbed his way upstairs and hissed when the spray of hot water hit his back. He sat against the shower wall, drawing on the steamed over window until his skin pruned and he felt warm enough, his head clear enough to be able to function back out in the real world.

All the while he thought, trying to bury the guilt of making his best friend shitty under reasons why he had every right to be an asshole, coming up with none he gave up on that thought and let the guilt claim him till he had his head in his knees and his eyes squeezed shut in a futile attempt to block out everything around him. Naturally it wouldn't have worked, he was too far fucked to be able to get anywhere near progressive with it. The more he allowed himself to accept the fact he'd fucked up big time the more he tried to stamp out the feelings, like a cinder that just wouldn't go out he stamped and stamped until he grew tired and let it grow into a flame that left him choking on his own tears. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, so close to breaking his own fingers to get himself to stop, anger at himself was slowly building up the more he found himself incapable of stopping the stream of tears and hiccups. He always fucked something up, always messed up his relationships with people because he put his own emotions first.

He should be allowed to be selfish now and again, he shouldn't feel guilty he'd given the world enough of himself that he had nothing left to give but a charming smile and a fuckable body. Telling himself that enough he built up enough strength to stop his crying and immediately stood up to scrub himself down until his skin went hypersensitive and felt raw.

When he'd finally emerged from the shower, wrapped up in dry clothes and painted his face back on until he was looking more like himself again, he went back downstairs with a smile on his face and wallet in his pocket. Swallowing down the lump that grew in his throat, nervous perhaps, he sat down beside Lars and pulled his head onto his lap waiting for him to wake up. Lars slept enough for the both of them, and Mathias stayed awake to make up for the hours the Dutchman lost in unconsciousness. Mathias's silent apology was a simple act of comfort, and he hoped that when the other woke up he would accept it.

Mathias had long since come to the conclusion he was suffering from some form of insomnia, he was fearful of sleep so he didn't, his brain continued to circle in on itself bringing forth things he'd prefer to forget at night, cannibalising and savouring the unimportance of the past but casting away any light that was hopefully in the future and shooting down anything that happened in the present, the past that brought with a terrible taste to his tongue that made him bring up anything he'd ever digested in a day. It wasn't a 'I can't sleep' but rather a 'I'm too scared to sleep'. Scared was an emotion.

Mathias despised ever having any emotion.

It was what made him into the mess he was. He used to be okay when he was younger, he used to be able to carry on with the careless air that he always carried, but now-a-days it was forced. Not that anybody noticed, everybody else just thought he was an airhead. And to be fair he probably was once upon a time. But now the air that was there became clouded over and choking in a thick blanket of unfeeling.

Unwanting.

The worthlessness curtained by a veil of uncaring.

He literally didn't give a shit anymore.

However when he accepted the fact he'd hurt Lars. He did care and it sort of hurt to think about. He didn't know how to make it better but he could only try, and try he was, maybe go out for dinner somewhere, watch a movie. It seemed pretty date-ish but it was ironic enough to be played off as 'lets just mess with people a little bit.'

But then he remembered. To Lars it'd probably mean more than that, he'd have to play it casual not for it to be taken the other way. Keep putting on the oblivious mask and pray that he falls for it this time.

**xxx**

Lars started to stir around 5 in the afternoon when any hope of seeing the sun from behind the wall of heavy storm clouds was definitely not a possibility, he groaned when he woke up, arms automatically wrapping around the Dane's waist as if he was hugging a pillow. Until he noticed that the 'pillow' was breathing and made of muscle and bone rather than duck down feathers. Sitting up he blinked, disorientated by the sudden movement and light. Mathias laughed lightly and gently slapped the side of the other's face to wake him up further. Instead of reacting to the light slaps like a normal person would and wince away he just took the Dane's hand in his own and pressed it close to his cheek.

"Am I dreaming please tell me I'm dreaming so I don't look like a creep right now."

"Welcome to the waking world, this is your guide Mathias speaking and he's wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner once you get a change of clothes." He slipped his hand away from Lars' face and stuck his hand in his coat pockets. "And start of a few bottles of rekorderlig I may or may not have stolen off Sve a few weekends ago."

"You have enough money to buy it yourself dumbass."

"That's the Lars we all know and love. So do you accept?"

"Sure why not..." Lars half smiled before he tipped his head to the side and tapped the side of his face. Mathias rolled his eyes and purposefully left a sloppy kiss on his cheek and when he pulled away it was glistening with saliva. "You're forgiven, less tongue next time."

The Dane laughed and dragged himself off the couch, stretching out his legs after sitting down for so long. Brushing down the outfit of hair and crinkles he'd specifically chosen prior to coming downstairs he held out a hand for the other and looked him over. Well he definitely wasn't showing any signs over being overly wet as Mathias had been, he probably was home before the rain started. Brushing down the other blonde's shoulders he grins and gestures towards the door.

"Didn't you say I needed a change of clothes." Lars said when he was already out the door, eyes still droopy from sleep.

"Changed my mind." Mathias replied while snatching up an umbrella on his way out. Locking the door he linked his arm with the Dutchman and waited until they were outside before putting the umbrella to use. The majority of the walk to the restaurant had Mathias huddled against Lars for warmth, occasionally pulling away when he needed to steer them in the right direction. They talked between each other, trying to keep the atmosphere between them light and comfortable, trying to chase away any remaining awkwardness prior to Mathias getting home. A few times their hands brushed together, Lars' fingers itching to curl around the Dane's while Mathias would jerk his hand away as if he just touched acid. After the first seven times Mathias pocketed his hand and pulled away from the Dutchman for the remainder of the walk.

Dinner was quiet, sitting together in a little booth their conversation hushed. It took a turn for them complaining about things that annoyed them, nations that they wouldn't mind decapitating and dumping at the bottom of the pacific ocean. When dinner arrived Lars scarfed down what he could in one breath before deciding to take it slow while Mathias only picked at his own, separating bits of food for fun before giving up all together and taking to drinking as much wine as he needed to until the other male was finished. Maybe it was depression that was causing his lack of appetite.

"This wine is amazing." Mathias said taking another sip and simultaneously looking over the label of the bottle.

"Wait till we get to France." Lars said around a mouthful of meat. "Francis has the best range."

He smiled lightly in response, downing the rest of his glass he quickly pours himself another. "Lets get really drunk on our last night there."

"To partying hard in the country of love." Lars tapped their glasses together, the soft 'clink' ringing in their ears along with the slosh of deep red liquor.

"Sounds fantastic."

Stress sounded like the most likely candidate. But stress over what...it could have been a number of things.

Life

Lack of sleep

Life

Norge

No not that never that

but still yeah okay being honest to himself

Norge.

And soon enough the more Mathias thought about it that was all he could think about, sitting there beside Lars he started to tune out what the other was talking about as his thoughts went to darker places. It was his fault everything was such a fuck up, if he just didn't try so hard, if he had changed the way the other male had wanted him to maybe just maybe he wouldn't have been so fucked up afterwards, maybe the other could have loved him back.

Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe

And like breaking the surface of the water for fresh air Lars cupped his hand around the Dane's cheek and tipped his head towards him, lips turned down as he looked the other dead in the eye. His thumb swiped across the hollow of Mathias's eye and for the first time Mathias realised he was crying.

"Fuck sorry, just thinking about stuff. Anyway continue on about Alice." He pulled back, laughing shakily while he wiped his eyes for himself. The night continued on, the both of them brightening up some as the wine started to absorb itself into their bloodstreams, their laughter a little louder and their movements a little more jerky. As it grew later people came and left until they were the last two left in the little restaurant not including the staff. The pair was eventually herded out, a taxi waiting for them thanks to one of the waiters. Giggling in the backseat of the cab, soon enough after a few more less than casual hand brushes on Lars' behalf their fingers were laced together and remained that way for the rest of the ride. Their hands stayed together even when they asked to stop near the park to try again to take a walk, the pleasant feeling of the alcohol making them feel lighter, dizzy, more prone to laughing at nothing and everything. Halfway out Lars convinced Mathias to sit down beside him under and old oak that's leaves were slowly being stripped from with the weather. The ground was wet but it was the least of their worries, the rain came down hard and the leaves from the tree with it. The traffic drove by slowly, car horns and blaring music audible from where they were sitting. Lightening and thunder cracked and boomed above them, but they didn't care. They didn't care as their noses bumped together in an uncoordinated attempt of an eskimo kiss. They didn't care when their lips met, freezing cold and lazily moving against each other.

Lars was hoping he'd remember it in the morning.

Mathias was praying that he wouldn't.

**xxx**

They sat together in the window seat, both the windows pushed as open at they could get while the night breeze crawled in, stealing away the sickly sweet scent of weed in the Dane's bedroom. An old movie played on the laptop for background noise, a thriller they'd both seen a million times over to the point they knew every line, every pause and every breath of the actors. Their legs were twined together, each taking opposite ends of the seat with their legs folded in the middle of them, a joint in both their hands as they blew smoke out into the night sky. Every end to the night seemed to be the same, joint, Lars sleeps, Mathias fucks around for a bit until the crack of Satan's ass crack makes it's appearance and Lars gets closer to waking up so the Dane can start his day properly. But there was something different that night, Mathias tensed at every touch from the other but would end up melting into it after a while. He was grateful the Dutchman didn't try anything after their hook up in the park. Romantic as it was, Mathias still stumbled home and clawed around in the liquor cabinet until he found something strong enough that would sure be able to make him forget anything ever happening after dinner.

After crawling his way upstairs he'd changed into a pair of pyjama bottoms and turned on the electric blanket as high as it would go before claiming the spot by the window. Lars followed behind him not too long after and suggested they toke it up.

How could he refuse? With a sweet smile he accepted making it look like it was something he'd absolutely love to do, while under any other circumstances he would have but for the moment he just to keep finding things that'd make him forget further.

So there they were legs twisted together while they watched the clouds shift in the sky and a handful of cars drive by until Lars was sleepy enough to start falling asleep in the position he was in. Mathias tapped out both their joints on the windowsill and dragged him to bed, crawling in after him after getting the windows and curtains closed.

He tried to ignore the way the Dutchman curled up to him, nose nuzzling his neck.

He wouldn't even be going to sleep, he'd be stuck in that position all night.

And most of all he tried to ignore the quiet three slurred words that left Lars mouth before he fell into unconsciousness.

"I love you."

As soon as he was sure the other was asleep he got out of the room as fast as he could without disturbing the other male and drowned the memory of such a promising sentence in bottles of swedish cider.


	5. still so far over

Blah blah blah I was going to throw in the last part to this chapter in the next but yeah I think it just flows a little better this way. Anyway I'm so sorry for the lateness of this chapter I've just had school work pouring out of my ears! I hope this week has gone well for all of you thanks for the follows on this by the way! (:

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Mathias waited until the affect of the alcohol had dulled some before leaving the house with his keys and wallet. In the early hours of the morning he got on the back of his motorbike, he hadn't gone for a proper ride in a while anyhow. And as soon as the keys were in the ignition and the purr of the engine met his ears he was off, driving as fast as he could out of the city, around the city, he didn't really know he just needed to ride. The rain had let up some, leaving behind a bitter wind that ran through the Dane's hair and cleared his head. Mathias drove as fast as he could, weaving through traffic is need be and desperately trying to get the thoughts from only hours ago out of his head. He was lucky there was hardly anybody on the road or else his sluggish reflexes might have caused a lot of trouble.

He drove trying to find a way to contain the pain that was throbbing at the back of his head, filthy, unwanted thoughts laced with acid whispering about things he was trying to forget about, and after long enough, after his hair became windswept to the point of no return and his cheeks turned pink, he suddenly forgot all about what he was trying to block out. He focused on the waves of heat emitting from the engine, the roar in his ears and the wind on the back of his neck. He rode to feel in control of the elements, to be able to take his mind away from the real world for a bit and just focus on one piece of materialism. Mathias put himself in the mindset of the only thing mattering being the ride.

He came back home at 10am with a bag of still warm bread and pastries from the city over. Mathias was sure he broke at least 10 different traffic laws trying to get home before he was too wet to pass it off as just a morning walk. He spent an hour setting up the living room table, glass surface held up by an old tree trunk base he'd had Sve make for him when they were still on good terms, with a tray of painkillers for the inevitable hangover Lars would be sporting as well as a couple of cups of coffee, and the spoils from the bakery were reheated and set in the middle alongside a collection of creams and spreads. He allowed himself a five minute break to himself to indulge in his nicotine addiction and note how the rain was turning from spitting to a light shower that was sure to go by noon. Smiling he rested his arms on the windowsill and watched life below. Running his hand through his hair after finishing his smoke and popping a couple of pieces of gum in his mouth, he pulled himself upstairs to his room, where the Dutchman lay sprawled out on his back with his mouth slightly agape as he snored quietly. Chuckling to himself at the display, Mathias grabbed the end of the duvet and yanked them off Lars in one smooth movement to expose him to the cold air. Almost immediately the other male began to protest in small grunts and hunt around for the sheet with his eyes still closed.

"Breakfast is ready and if you don't get your ass down in less than five minutes..."

"You'll what. Spank me?" The smile on Lars' lips was almost audible.

"How's that hangover treating you?"

"I feel like death."

"I can make that so much worse if you don't come downstairs so I can make it better." Mathias folded the blankets around his arms and dumped them in the corner of the room furthest away from the Dutchman, who was groaning under his breath as he tried to get out of bed without moving his head too much. "That's it come on baby steps, and later we've got to pack for tomorrow night."

"Stop making me want to crawl back in bed."

"It's meant to be motivational."

"You're telling me things I have to do when I don't want to do anything that's not motivational at all that's torture."

Mathias rolled his eyes and went back downstairs to claim the couch and put on a movie to play int he background while they ate. And finally after a lot of very vocal complaints Lars was downstairs stretched across the couch with his legs on the Dane's lap while nursing his headache with coffee and a mix of aspirin/paracetamol in hopes it'd be more affective. They were quiet for the better half of the morning just until Lars felt like his breakfast wasn't going to come up, Mathias teased him lightly about the hangover, he himself was feeling right as rain most probably because he was drinking as soon as he felt it all nearly wear off completely. He couldn't exactly remember why he was so desperate to drink until he forgot the night before but he went along with it anyway to enjoy the comforting buzz and warmth that came from every bottle. Absentmindedly he ran his fingers up the Dutchman's legs while watching _en kort en lang_, his legs were well toned from biking everywhere just at Mathias did, and he shaved as well, not because of appearance but rather it felt nice to have smooth legs rather than a forest underneath pants. They'd sort of bonded over that as they grew older, when they were younger it was a conflict of interest. Mathias had gained a rather giant crush on his sister when their bodies were roughly teenaged, the Belgian with her easy smile and gorgeous little face was enough to have the Dane head over heels for years, it pissed off Lars as well as the rest of Scandinavia.

But after more than a few arguments and fights Lars and Mathias became the best of friends, glued to the hip and it was all behind them. Mathias continued flirting with Alice and she flirted back while Lars sat back and watched the whole thing unfold. They dated on and off, had sex whenever they felt like it and have stayed friends for years and along with it came the Dutchman. The two of them were probably the best things that had ever happened to Mathias. The best company and the best their kind could be.

After a while Lars began wriggling his feet on the Dane's lap, a request for them to have some attention payed to and just peeking out from under the ice pack was the Dutchman's lower lip, jutted out in a plea before falling back into his usual relaxed expression. Mathias began to massage his fingers into the balls of the other's feet, trying to work out tension and knots while he sat back and thought. They fitted together like perfect puzzle pieces, filling in the gaps they themselves could not and made up for each other's flaws, Lars always appeared moody and straight faced, very similar to Germany just high 95% of the time. However once he was comfortable around somebody it was like seeing a whole new person. Mathias had a sense of almost pride at being able to bring that out, he loved being the Dutchman's friend and to be honest he couldn't have asked for anything more than that.

He didn't know if he even wanted any more than that. The complications...

His brows pulled together as he thought, lips pinched tightly together as his fingers worked at his arch and toes. No he couldn't do it, he wouldn't be able to give the Dutchman what he needed, and anyway he swore to himself to never end up in that kind of position again. Despite the fact he was supposed to be one of the happiest nations in the world he just wasn't, he'd drain anybody around him because he believed the world owed him at least that much. Selfish yes, but after putting up with years upon years upon years of having a broken heart and false hope he just gave up.  
He didn't want his best friend to get fucked over by him, Mathias was probably leading him on unintentionally but he didn't know how to stop.

Or if he wanted to.

The Dane soon came to realise he was being watched and turned his head to the side just a bit to get the other male in his peripheral vision. The flannel was being held loosely in one hand while deep Paris green stared intently at him with a tinge of almost...fascination. Mathias sighed heavily and slipped out from under Lars' legs, feet patting against the wood floors on his way out to the kitchen after collecting up all the dishes. Starting at scrubbing at some of the cutlery and putting things in the fridge he shook out his earlier thoughts and focused entire on the _scrrch srrch srrch_ of the scrubber against ceramic and glass. He began to doze off as he wiped and dried everything down, staring at the wall opposite, his thoughts and awareness completely turned off. Probably not the smartest thing as he'd jumped and yelped when a pair of arms wrapped across his stomach and pulled him back, it took him several seconds to register who it was and not throw something at his friend. His surprised squeak of surprise slowly turned into a series of hysterics and he collapsed back against the Dutchman with a huge smile on his face and laughter bubbling from his lips, sounding humourless to his own ears but hoping it sounded more 'lively' per say to the other.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing Mr Netherlands?" Mathias chuckled, flicking his cloth at Lars' arms. "Let up I'm trying to clean here."

"Can we bike around today?" The Dutchman eventually let go to tuck his hands safely away in his coat pockets. "Motorbike I mean."

Mathias fought to keep a straight face as not to give away 'oh shit well I kind of already used it but hey whatever I'm cool with it." And instead settled for an easy smile and a shrug before responding "Yeah sure, you want to drive?"

"I'd love to."

"Awesome, I can have a joint while we ride...can we get my wings finished off?"

"Sure why not." Lars rolled his eyes, yeah yeah Mathias knew he was supposed to get that finished ages ago.

"God fucking bless you."

**xxx**

They both agreed upon looking as dickish as possible while motorbiking through the central city and to the outskirts, just as Mathias had predicted the weather had cleared up entirely by midday leaving them with clear blue skies and only a slightly biting breeze, but it was bearable. They abandoned helmets and settled for goggles, the straps digging into the backs of their heads but at least it gave them something to laugh at as people stared at them when they went by, Mathias with one arm wrapped around the Dutchman's waist the other one helping his lungs nurse the joint between his fingers. His back ached from where the ink and needle had made contact with skin to fill in the skeleton of a tattoo he had been procrastinating to get finished for a long while, the dark wings stretching down the entire length his back were finally finished and thanks to 'nation privilege' the pain would subside soon enough and any risk of infection would be gone by nightfall.

It was a long story behind them, Lars had been staring him down quizzically the entire time until he mouthed a little 'oh' and raised an eyebrow. Mathias had only smiled in response but nodded. Years ago he'd been forced to suffer through the blood eagle during one of his infamous fights with Sve, his ribs were broken from the spine and were forced back to resemble wings along with his lungs, scars still remained from where it'd happened. Probably not one of his golden moments. He got him back in the end. That's what made the story so long, as well as what compelled the Swede to go through with it. The tattoo's were just there to cover up the ugly scars and make his side job a hell of a lot easier.

He tipped back in the low-slung seat, the drug balanced between his teeth and the smoke spilled out from the corners of his lips as he grinned, eyes closed to fully enjoy the feel of the rush of air around the frames of the goggles. And then he laughed and he laughed, he laughed at how free he was feeling, at how free he really wasn't, at the fact he actually existed. He should have died a million times over during the years and stayed that way but look at him now, he was alive and blood pumped through his veins to prove it. Untangling his arm from around the Dutchman's hip he finished the joint with a final puff of sweet smoke and flicked it onto the road before spreading his arms out and leading back as far as he could without losing balance. He lost himself in the thunderous retort and crackling sound of the motorcycle, the rumble and roar of straight pipes. If anything he loved riding one of these just as much as he loved using a bicycle, but this was for the sounds, the speed.

He'd sat back up just in time to recognise the streets they were driving down, and clear ahead of the pair was Strøget. Prodding a couple of fingers into the other's side to get his attention he was answered with a loud 'Yeah?' over the guttural speak of the engine.

"Pull over up here, no vehicles are allowed in there." He said into Lars' ear. "It's for walking and biking, nothing with engines."

Lars nodded and slowed down considerably to find an appropriate place for them to park, close enough to the shopping centre. The both climbed off, locked up and started to walk towards the heart of Strøget. Lars had mentioned earlier about doing some shopping, preferably for some things to wear on their way to France and their first week or so there, by that point they would have at least done a little more shopping. Tugging down the charcoal lapels of his coat that had flown up during the way there Mathias gave the other blonde a bright smile and inclined his head in a gesture to go fourth.

"After you." He said.

"When did you get manners?" Lars muttered craning his head to see over the crowd, chin stuck in the air ridiculously.

"Shut up and just go first you stupid piece of dick cheese is that better?"

"Much thank you, the youths these days are so kind."

"I'm older than you."

Lars glowered but playfully stuck his elbow in Mathias's side, to which he just laughed and walked on a bounce in his step as they went from store to store, new clothes, breaking off to go to different stores on odd occasions they still met up, the Dane running to find the Dutchman with a paperback in his pocket, bags on his arms and a cup holder with vanilla latte's in his hand. Lars burst out laughing when he saw the other running towards him, it was something that looked like it would only happen in movies. He thanked Mathias for the drink and they continued on, walking to and from stores. They were well aware of the fact that when they shopped it should only be a once in a blue moon sort of thing, they spent forever trying on clothes to find the right size regardless of prices.

Mathias twisted and turned in the mirror of his changing room, the stark white of the short sleeved shirt making him look a lot less pale than he really was, he wasn't exactly pleased by how much it made his freckles look more intense by the Dane would admit he looked pretty good. The shorts were just as white at the shirt, shoes a shiny black, styled sleek and pointed at the toe. The little bit of class to divert attention from the boyishness of the outfit wouldn't hurt anybody. Stepping out to find Lars he admired the 'click' of new shoe heels against the lino, the faint sound of muffled laughter was brought to his attention and he turned around, an eyebrow raised behind the circular frames of his glasses.

"Hvad?"

"Nothing...nothing just promise me you'll wear that on our trip." Lars idly twirled something between his fingers before he chose to present it to the Dane. "This would fit nicely...especially with your...oral fixation."

The slim black cigarette holder was held out to him between two fingers, Mathias laughed quietly under his breath, plucking it from the Dutchman and perching it between his lips he smiled as wide as he possible could. "I haven't used one of these in years, tak... It makes me look so feminine."

"You have queen's wrists anyway, it compliments them."

"Oh why thank you _sir_." Laughing openly he ducked back behind the curtain and changed back into his original clothing before going to pay, the black stick still being rolled around in his mouth by his tongue.

After walking out of the final clothing shop for them they decided to catch an early dinner, the realisation of their mode of transport and the number of bags they each carried dawning on them as soon as they'd sat down at a table and ordered. Mathias threw his bike keys at the Dutchman with a wry smile and told him he'd catch a taxi with their spoils, his legs already ached from doing basically fuck all walking. Over dinner the two of them held a comfortable silence, broken with the odd snarky comment on the people around them. Skipping desert they hugged and parted ways, Mathias walking a little further to get into a taxi and Lars going in the other direction to the Harley. And just as the Dane had sunk into his seat and told the driver where to go his phone vibrated in his pocket.

_I swear to god Mat if we don't do it at least once when I see you I'm going to cry, and I'm expecting a kiss darling xxxx Al_

**_I had a lovely day thanks for asking. Of course Ma'am one hot Danish kiss coming your way (;_**

**_xxx_**

Lars stayed awake long enough to pack his own bags before falling face first into the mattress and letting sleep claim him, while Mathias however took a longer time to pack and clean up the house, keeping off even the idea of sleep for as long as he could and even decided on nursing several cups of coffee to keep him up. He spent half an hour trying to drag the Dutchman out of bed early on the Friday morning, his efforts similar to those of the day before the duvet ripped off before being neatly folded after Lars finally got his ass out of bed. The trip to the airport was energized with excitement between the two of them, babbling backwards and forwards about what they would do, who they would meet and such. During the flight Mathias toyed with his camera, trying to fix the settings to be just right, despite the fact they'd been the city, to the country numerous times for one reason or another, it was still a chance for new memories and things to laugh and talk about. Another page of private history that the nations so rarely had the chance to have.

And the best things, the best thing of all for Mathias was to stand in the middle of the terminal with his bags and Lars at his side while he stood on tip toe to try and catch sight of their ride. Mathias's expression lit up as he caught sight of bouncy, shoulder length blonde hair pushing through the crowd of tourists and flight attendants musical voice loudly telling telling everybody to get the fuck out of the way in a mix of languages. The Belgian woman had changed so much since the first time they'd ever met, a once timid and polite girl flourished into somebody blunt and hilarious, but throughout the entire time they'd known each other Mathias had found Alice a delight to be around. He'd loved her in every way possible as friends, as lovers, an-almost-but-not-quite-sibling way and how they were now, close at the hip, occasional fuck buddies but the bestest of friends.

_"We have the power to change our lives completely. We just need a little courage to do or say what we want to and things will either change for the better or for the worst. And I want to tell you that...You're so beautiful Alice." Mathias had whispered under his breath, still loud enough for her to hear. She sat up on the edge of the table, surprise written clearly on her face, undertones of longing lingering in her eyes. He could see all of that from his spot on her bed, legs crossed under him, slacks stretching with the position. "I don't want you to ever for...forget..."_

_He was unable to finish his sentence and crossed the room as quickly as he could to place his hands on either side of her face and bring her in for a kiss, their lips automatically falling into sync, their first together was desperate and fast, happy tears on behalf of Alice left a salty flavour on the Dane's tongue, he just loved her, her taste, her smell, the way her fingers dragged across his skin to clutch at his neck and keep him in place._

_"I love you Mathias Kohler, personification of Denmark. I love you."_

_Wrong lips, wrong person, but still an almost perfect moment._

The Dane took one long strider before scooping up the bundle of blonde hair and a delicious spritz of perfume up into his arms and spun around, her legs kicking up and her arms around his neck before she pulled him in for the kiss he'd promised her not even 12 hours ago. Slowly he put her back on her feet, lips still intact up until they both remembered that Lars was still there, Alice winked up at her brother with a healthy flush across her cheeks which chased the wide red lipped smile she wore.

"Hey A-Ali-Alice how are you on this fine day?" Mathias said after tugging her back in to bump their noses together

"Quite grand actually sir, I'm in the arms of a very handsome fellow who knows how to shave _extremely_ well." Sarcasm dripped off her every word.

"Oh my would such a lady care to join this lad for a bite to eat."

"If it's in her hotel room then of course and she could never forget to add that her pot head of a brother is invited."

"Naturally."


	6. use the sleeves of my sweater

Basically every chapter from here is going to be inspired by 'The Neighbourhood' and 'The Great Gatsby' soundtrack seriously it's the best thing ever.  
Anyway things get interesting from here I guess, Alice and Mathias have a sort of strange relationship and Lars is like oh hell no not again I saw him first

bUT OH WOW I'M REALLY SORRY THERE'S A LOT OF SEX THAT ISN'T WITH LARS AND MATHIAS AND I'M REALLY SUPER DUEPR SORRY BUT IT'S IMPORTANT AND BLAH I PROMISE YOU THE TIME MAY (OR MAY NOT IDEK) COME BUT YEAH SORRY!  
enjoy!

frick man i hate the way i wrote this so sorry

* * *

Her lipstick smeared against the rim of her mug, a half empty cup of hot chocolate which she continued to sip at during their catch up. Mathias had been more than excited to finally be able to go back to _Shangri La, _for the gorgeous view, the accessibility and accommodation he just absolutely loved it. Sitting out on the balcony with his legs on either side of the railing he laughed carelessly with the siblings as they teased backwards and forwards between themselves. It was only a little bit hold but Alice in her little high-waisted shorts and lacy ankle socks was shivering, the two males continuously told her to go get something from her room to put on over top but time and time again she ignored them and kept talking and ignored the way her feet clattered against the ground.

Mathias's sweater was surprisingly over sized for even him, hanging mid-thigh loose and the sleeves falling past his hands, the neck wide enough from probably two heads and Mathias decided to put that to the test to see if it'd work. Or rather Alice turned him into a make shift seat after prodding him until he got down from his place on the railing to sit in a chair of his own and claimed his lap, taking the edge of the wool over her head to wriggle under. He slipped his arms around from the sleeves to aid her hands into them and comfortably wrap his arms around her waist to hold her closer in attempt to get her warm. The chuckle that came from her indicated that suffering through the cold weather finally had her get her goal, and to which the Dane just laughed and rested his chin against her shoulder while she finished off the rest of her drink, hands cupped protectively around the marble.

"You know sometimes I like to play the 'are they still dating' game." Lars muttered under his breath.

Straight away a witty retort left the Belgian woman on Mathias's lap and from there the bickering became a buzz, no one word noticeable from any other as the Dane chose to ignore what they were talking about and rather focused on the warmth of the other on his lap. Holding her close he idly rubbed the pads of his thumb against the fabric of her shorts, zoning off at the wall just behind Lars until he felt the Dutchman's stare burning into him. Staring back at him he wondered what he was thinking about, if it's something positive or negative, if it's a passing thought or a long internal string of thoughts, if he was thinking about him or if he was just in his line of sight when his mind drifted off about something unrelated to the banter with his sister. When Lars started back talking to the Belgian, Mathias crossed off the probability of him zoning out seeing as the Dutchman's eyes were still locked onto his for a few moments longer, lingering before flickering to Alice's face and sticking his tongue out at her in response to something she'd said.

"-Look I know I'm gorgeous Lars honey but I really don't think that's appropriate you're my brother." Was all Mathias caught from Alice before bursting out laughing, his mouth nuzzled against her shoulder to muffle the peal of laughter. He felt her puff up her chest in pride and could almost image the content smirk on her face as she stared down Lars. That was something he'd fallen in love with her for, that sweet outside was just the mask to a woman filled with so much personality. She had intense road rage when she drove, one time he remembered she'd stuck her head out the window, flipping off the man in front of her and yelled "I hope to **God** you don't fuck like you drive, MOVE IT!"

Mathias looked for people like that, he desired that in a person and he surrounded himself in others who had those qualities. He was deprived of people who would surprise him, who were spontaneous and completely opposite to the way they presented themselves. He was drawn to people like her, like Germany, like Lars and Natalia because there were all so much different once you got to know them. He thirsted to be surprised, to get to know people who he knew he'd never truly get to know so he could always be taken aback by at least something unexpected. It itched under his skin and between his pores each and every time he stumbled across a person like Alice, Alice who looked like she'd taken the appearance of Marina Lambrini Diamandis (Oh shush he kept up to date on music) and mixed it up a little to her own preference and had the sweetest smile turned out to be fiery and hysterical when needed. It was like hitting a gold mine when he'd met her and Lars.

"Hmm hmm anyway later on Francis invited us all to get drinks with him at his place." She waved one manicured hand in the air to get both their attention, woolen sleeves pushed up to her elbows. " Speaking of. Gilbert and Toni are going to be there so you both have to be on your _best behaviour_ alright?"

"I'm not going." Lars straight plain and simple, his jaw locked and stare cold. Mathias understood, he had the same kind of relationship with the Spaniard as he did with Berwald. Hostile and only just teetering on the thin line of 'I'm going to kill you if you even mutter one word.' The Dane even grimaced at the mention of Gilbert, the two of them had once been good friends but some...things kind of ruined that relationship for the both of them.

"You don't have to talk to him."

"I'm not going." He repeated.

"Lars." She said sharply, from what Mathias could see her pretty face was twisted into a scowl. "You're going or so help me I'll drag you there myself."

"As if you could."

"Do you want me to prove you wrong _again_?"

And so they started again arguing with each other all the while Mathias just laughed, the constant bickering between the two was always something he took pleasure in listening in on. It sounded how it should be, how siblings should be. Not at each other's throats with blades with the intent to kill as his 'family' always had been. Yet still, he was curious about how it would play out with Spain and Lars, he could see why the Dutchman would rather do anything than be around him. He'd witnessed why it was a bad idea and he was well aware of what could happen if anything stirred. Clearing his throat loudly to interrupt them, Mathias tried to talk as seriously as he possibly could without falling back into chuckles.

"Why don't I spend the night talking to the so dreaded España and you can tackle the other two yeah? Then you don't have to worry about wanting to ruin that gorgeous head of his?" The Dane said with a smile, his gaze locked onto Lars. "We could probably bond over a few things I've never really talked to the guy."

"I don't think...that'd be a good idea." Lars replied hesitantly.

"In all seriousness I don't think it would be too bad, give me five minutes with him and you won't have to worry about him at all."

The Dutchmen tensed, giving Mathias a wary stare, green eyes giving away how he calculated the scenarios that would play out. Eventually he shrugged and looked away, rolling his eyes fully.

"Sure as long as you keep to that."

The Belgian's musical laugh reached both their ears. Very quickly she launched into the rest of the plans for the nice, voice crooning in appreciation for the two male's 'sacrifices'

Alice had insisted they dressed nicely, a proper occasion to which naturally she was prepared for. After finally managing to convince both Lars and Mathias to pull out suits they parted ways to their respectable rooms, Alice however picked up all her things and followed the Dane into his.

Mathias struggled to get his hair to agree with him and compliment his tux but after a lot of hair gel he finally had it looking appropriate. All the while the Belgian stood beside him, brushing coat after coat of mascara onto her eyelashes to effectively bring out the gorgeous colour of her irises. The figure hugging dress complimented all her curves, the curves of her breasts to the dip of her waist and back to hips that connected to long full legs, not entirely slender but just right. An air of elegance followed her however she dressed, but this was the most perfect example of her at her best and Mathias couldn't help but appreciate the plum emphasized the deep green of her eyes. Watching her for a few moments longer while lathering his face in pale foundation to hide the mass of freckles across his cheeks until she noticed he was staring. Her lips turned up in a cherry red grin and she pulled him away from the reflective surface to finish off the make up for him and straighten his bow tie, all the while he took to gently combing his fingers through the tight curls in her hair to make them appear softer. A favour for a favour.

"I don't see why we have to dress up." Mathias mumbled under his breath, unabashedly staring down the low cut of her neckline.

"Francis always dresses to impress I don't see why we can't out do him for once. Plus it's pretty high end where we're going just enjoy it." She flicked his forehead to bring his attention back up against so she had access to press power to his skin. "Anyway I'm on the verge of taking you right now against the dresser but I'll refrain from doing so, so I don't have to redo all my hard work, oui?"

"Ja..." He rolled his eyes at her pointed stare, curling his lips back into a grimace he spat out. "Oui."

"That wasn't so hard now was it?"

"My voice doesn't mix well with French."

"Oh shut up you sound sexy as hell when you speak French." She smoothed the lapels of his suit jacket down, index fingers catching in the holes where the buttons would slip in as she dragged her fingers down the fabric. Leaning up she pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth before letting go to go and find her brother, hips swinging with every step and the plum coloured silk of her dress fluttered across the ground giving the illusion that she was floating.

Mathias pressed two fingers to the corners of his lips, blinking in surprise as he watched her leave, eyes glued to her bare back until she'd disappeared around the corner with a whisper of fabric against the flooring and the muffled click of stiletto high heels. Now if there was any relationship he had with anybody that was complicated it was with her, even when they'd decided not to date they still did things like that, the odd stolen kiss, the inside jokes, sex, cuddling, more sex they probably acted like they were together better than they had when they actually were dating. He didn't question it, he understood her stance on commitment she just couldn't handle it, feeling like she belonged to somebody and fair enough the longer he had thought about the more he realised he didn't exactly like the sound of it either.

Yet still he felt like sometimes she had some silent claim on him. The way her lips would turn up at the corners when she'd take his hand or kiss his cheek always had something hinted around the seams of her lips. And he was more than okay with that surprisingly enough. It fitted their personalities almost, or it was so opposite to them that Mathias couldn't help but accept it.

He gave himself a once over in the full body mirror, straightening his coat and checking his teeth before running to catch up with her. Bumping into Lars on the way out the hall he immediately took to linking their arms together before dragging the Dutchman with him while he sped walked to fall into step with Alice. The car waiting for them was barely registered by Mathias, he was completely taken aback by how Lars had cleaned up, going as far as to smooth his head against his skull in almost a comb over that didn't look too...off putting to be honest. He looked brilliant in a suit.

Shit.

**xxx**

The group of six were besides themselves tipsy and laughing. Mathias had kept his promise and took to keeping Antonio company for the night so there would be no communication of any sort between him and Lars apart from the first tense greeting. The Dane found himself leaning bodily against the dark haired male, wine sloshing in his glass on the verge of spilling onto the fine white of his shirt, with unintentional flirtatious twist to his every word as he conversed with the Spaniard. Alice watched on an amused smile spread across her cheeks as the two grew more 'buddy'. Occasionally she'd rest her hand on the inside of his thigh and squeeze to bring him back to reality when he appeared to grow too close, his mouth nuzzling too much into the Spaniard's shoulder, his actions motivated by the liquor pumping through his system. After enough attention paid to his leg, the skin being pinched and squished painfully between manicured nails he pulled away and rested against the Belgian who of which looped her arm around his waist, fingers dragging up the length of his back and into the mane of his hair to massage into the blonde locks and keep his head pressed against hers.

Mathias accepted the affection easily, a faint smile on his lips and a purr in his voice when he mumbled to the blonde female, words slurring together into a mash of unintelligible broken sentences of Danish and English. His intoxicated state prevented him from processing the death glares both he and Alice were receiving from her brother as he chatted animatedly with Gilbert, the albino possibly drunker than anybody in the group and laughing too loud, voice coming out too sharp and accent too thick for anybody to really want to listen to. The Dane chose to tune out the obnoxious voice and anything else noise wise and closed his eyes, focusing on the dark behind his lids he allowed himself to rest and sit with his thoughts for a while with his face pressed against Alice as the alcohol worked through his veins.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Lars mouthed to his sister after he'd managed to catch and hold her gaze. She smiled sweetly and sipped at her wine.

"What you should be doing brother dearest." She stood up, pulling the Dane with her who only gurgled a sentence in response to the movement. "Subtly is proving to be absolutely useless in this instance. After all I thought you were great at being forward with what you want."

The rest of the table fell silent, staring up at the wobbling Dane and softly spoken Belgian who smiled down menacingly at her brother. "Francis I'm afraid I'm going to have to excuse both Mathias and myself. Thank you so much for dinner, it was exquisite, we must do this again while we're still here."

"Oui, that would be wonderful Mademoiselle." After a brief brush of lips against her knuckles she dragged Mathias with her out of the Frenchman's home and into the cold of the Parisian streets. While Mathias had probably drunken nearly his weight in wine he wasn't far gone enough not to have the mind to offer his suit jacket to the Belgian who immediately began to shiver at the expose to the cold. Smiling gratefully she huddled closer to him to keep them both as warm as possible before they went off to hunt down a taxi.

They directly took to going back to the hotel, Alice's teeth chattering together by the time they'd made it to the lobby, fingers blue and frozen which Mathias took in his own to warm them up, blowing over each icy finger tip to warm them up before running inside and making a quick escape to one of their rooms, they'd barely registered who's, only caring that as soon as the elevator doors slid open and either of their key cards fit into the door slot that they were inside and able to relax at the warmth that wrapped around them. Mathias still swayed on his feet, slightly less drunk than he'd been earlier but knowing full well that it wouldn't pass for a while the Belgian led him to the bathroom, carefully helping him out of the suit while simultaneously slipping out of her dress in a smooth transition. They both stood under the spray, foreheads pressed together the Dane with his eyes closed while Alice rubbed shampoo into his hair. **  
**

It was becoming a recurring problem, Mathias drinking every night just for the sake of getting drunk, he hadn't been planning on it this night rather he wanted to just relax on his first night however the change of plan now had him with a dozen glasses of wine in his stomach and a spinning head.

"Bel, what're you doing." He managed to get out without focusing on pronouncing every syllable separately.

"Looking after you." Alice said in a matter-of-factly manner.

"No I mean... You've been really ya' know."

She smiled warmly and after rinsing his hair she pulled him in close arms wrapped around his back and cheek on his collarbones. Behind her she felt him rest a hand against the wall for balance while he attempted to return the embrace.

"I'm trying to prove a point." The Belgian female pulled away enough to stare Mathias in the eye, a laugh threatening to roll off her tongue sweetly at the sound of the water being shut off and rather she shifted her arms to rest around his neck and pulled him in for an all consuming kiss, the faint taste of wine and chocolate still on her tongue from earlier as she flicked it against his teeth. They had no time to regret the contact, to think twice of it rather Mathias settled for sliding his hands down her waist, feeling the backs of her thighs where the tensed trying to keep her up on her tiptoes. A sound akin to a purr left him as she walked him backward, his back hitting the shower wall and the Belgian continued to keep them liplocked, teeth digging into his bottom lip just they way she knew he liked it until it was swollen before she let it pass between them, sucking gently as their mouths broke contact with nothing more than a muffled wet sound, a thin string of saliva still keeping them connected.

"Are you sure this is a smart idea?" Mathias said quietly, somewhere during the transition his hands had ended up on her ass.

"Since when have you ever cared about what is and isn't a smart idea. Mathias. I made you promise we would do something because I like what's between your legs and how you use it." She stole another kiss, a hard press of lips yet still held sweet undertones. Alice mouthed the words against his lips "Let me get you out of that head of yours. You need to stop worrying about stuff."

When he tried to open his mouth again she pressed two fingers to his lips. "Shhh Mathias relax it's all okay." And Alice sealed her last words with a tender kiss.

**xxx**

His name was Lars Peters and he had never been a more restless sleeper than he was that night. He hadn't excused himself until much later, drinking himself till the point of almost passing out before taking his leave, footing awkward but still getting him where he needed to go, to get him from the street to the hotel to his bed where he lay staring up at the ceiling surrounded by plush pillows and a frown on his lips as jealousy poisoned his thoughts.

He wanted to be able to embrace the Dane without passing it off as a platonic action, to be the craving and addiction Mathias craved for like the cigarette's he had stuck between his teeth everyday. His cardigans that hang off his lanky frame and yet such an inanimate object gets to be closer to his heart beat than Lars could ever dream of being. He drowned in jealousy of the little things, gasping at envy at the people who shared the same space as the Dane. And he thought of how nice it would be to have their things along side each others, he imagined himself running out of soap and using Danmark's and wearing him to work, the grocery store and imagined that laying down beside him he'd press his nose to the crook of Mathias's neck and he'd find out where all that soap had gone. That smell, he loved Mathias's smell just like he loved the rest of him. He wanted Mathias more than anything, needed to have their things in the same space and together, their lives so intermingled it would be hard to tell them apart.

He loved him.

He loved him.

He loved him.

And all he wanted was for Mathias to love him back.

Rolling his pipe on his tongue, the end of it left unlit he closed his eyes and inhaled the left over scent of tobacco. A different kind to what Mathias preferred, more minty with the underlinings of marijuana. Knowing he'd have to move if he wished to smoke he put it aside and curled in on himself hoping his dreams would be sweeter to him than the cruel reality he was living in.

He loved him.

**xxx**

Mathias shuffled back into the bedroom, cups of coffee in each hands as he crawled back onto bed beside the blonde, who was still bearing the afterglow from the night before, eyes glassy from having just woken up, lips a warm smile that lit up instantly as soon as the Dane had sat himself down beside her. He was aware of the soft sound of music coming from her side of the bed and after putting down the mugs she turned it up just a little louder than back ground noise and pulled him down to lie beside him.

"I've always wanted to have sex to this song, it'd be great don't you think?" She murmured while rolling over to hover above him, hands splayed on his chest.

"David Bowie is always something that'd be great to have sex to." Mathias propped himself up on his elbows just as the Belgian pushed his limp fringe from his face to press kisses to his forehead. Getting the idea he tipped his head up to meet her lips, appreciating the way she cradled the sides of his face in her hand a few steady jerks of her hand until she felt him harden in her grip to ready him and then rolled the latex over his length. She eased him into her, back arching with the shivers that ran up it at the feeling of being filled. It was slow, relaxing. Their lips moving together like molten lava, Alice's legs shaking either side of his thighs and his toes curling every time she dropped herself and took him in, her walls clenching deliciously around his cock. Breathless moans left the both of them, the steady pace drawing out the hope of release. He could feel her lips quiver against his own with every whimper and twitch of her body as she was brought down from her orgasm, breath coming out in an almost silent whine.

Wrapping his arms tighter around her and sitting up so she was entirely straddling him, boneless in his lap with ecstasy written across her face he pumped his hips until he'd emptied himself in the blonde with a guttural groan of his own. Tipping her head to the side Alice claimed his lips in a chaste kiss, a fleeting brush of lips as a thank you before she wriggled off and onto the mountain of pillows behind them. All the while Mathias slipped off the bed, finger dipping in the coffee's to make sure they were still warm before disposing of the condom and arriving back with his camera being tossed between his hands.

He moved to take a seat on Alice's torso as she lay down, a camera poised in his hands trying to get just the right shot while she laughed, lips stretched wide into a smile. The softness of the morning light did wonders for her eyes, as did the left of make up from last night, the slightest smudge of mascara under each eye. Mathias thought she looked the most beautiful when in the mornings, when she still had dream caked in the corners of her eyes and the faint smile he was greeted with when he woke up beside her, most of all he loved her laugh musical, pure.

_Click__, snap._

"You done yet Mat? You know I'm not photogenic." She said while plucking the camera out of his hands and placing it on the bedside table. He stuck out his bottom lip in a pout and gave her his best kicked puppy expression. Another giggle passed over her lips before she wrapped her arms around his neck, fingers sinking into unstyled blonde hair and pulled him into another kiss. He passed a breath over her lips before claiming them, sucking lightly at her bottom lip to catch and lap at the sweet taste of the cherry lip gloss that she always wore. She sighed sweetly into his mouth before parting her lips allowing him to slip his tongue inside, curling at the back of her teeth and sliding against her own. She tasted as sweet as she looked, as she sounded, as she acted upon a first impression. They were both able to keep the kiss for a few long minutes, fingers combing through each other's hair while the rolled around on the bed, legs entangling comfortably before they broke apart. Her fingers curled around the shape of his face, a soft smile appeared on Alice's face before she spoke.

"You're dangerous. People fall in love with you with a single glance." She murmured sinking back into the pillows. "If I hadn't known you as well as I do, if we weren't so close my life would be in pieces. Stupid Danish Casanova."

He chuckled his words being manipulated by an almost purr lilt to his voice. "But I'm sorry I don't want to hurt you at all Alice, you mean the world to me. Best friend, greatest friend."

She tipped her head back and laughed for the third time within the hour. "Oh Mathias sweetie, no need to be sorry there's a reason why I'm perfectly okay with being best friends with benefits. You fuck just right~" The swear came off sounding sweet as honey off her tongue, still strange to hear but it made the Dane grin. "I hate commitment just as much as you do. Now come on lets go get some breakfast I'm starving."


	7. he reappeared like he'd never been gone

Blah I don't even know if I'll continue this story I'm a terrible writer  
oh well I may as well get it out of the way while I can  
This chapter is a bit short but ehhh things may or may not start getting longer in the next chapters I'm not too sure yet haha anyway this chapter is guest starring the notorious Lukas so I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

A week went by as relaxing as it could be, entirely uneventful.  
Alice and Mathias fell back into old habits, the easy mindless flirting in public just for the sake of old times. All the while Lars watched on, and Mathias well he started to pick up on how tense the Dutchman could get, the way his shoulders would broaden and his jaw would clench whenever Alice claimed the Dane's lap for her own. The way he would look away and scrunch his hands up into fists every time she would pluck the cigarette holder out from between Mathias's lips and press her mouth where the metal had just been.

He was aware of the way it pained Lars and he tried to turn a blind eye to it. Things would get messy if he chose to approach him. So doing the cowardly thing he chose to ignore it and carry on like normal.

Anyway he remembered that night despite his attempts to get drunk to forget. The muttered 'I love you' against the crook of his neck. So Mathias did what he did best and acted non-nonchalant, care free and happy to mask the fact the words continuously kept trying to crack into his composure to entertain the notion of what it'd be like to accept it. Those three little words that held the biggest meaning hadn't been so much as uttered to him by somebody who wasn't a one night stand at some shitty hotel or in a public restroom after a night out. It'd been years. Mathias was usually the one to say it first.

So they continued on causing havoc in Paris up until they'd have to be called in for fittings and practices like it was every year.

He twisted pieces of the pretty blonde's hair between his fingers that he was slowly swaying with. The human girl, stick thin and make up applied to look natural was almost as drunk as he was and tightened her arms ever so slightly around his neck as she rested her head against his chest. Mathias had to be careful not to apply too much pressure to her fragile frame or he'd snap the girl in two. She smelt sweet, not overly so, knowing exactly what perfume complemented her nature scent and it was enjoyable to say the least. A carry on from the night before the shared slow, lazy and drunken dance with the female, Francis's house still blanketed in a cloud of various types of smoke and the potent smell of vomit was somewhere in the room, things that still remained from the partying several hours prior to how Mathias was now. People in different states of dressed lay sprawled along the couches and ground and as Mathias opened his eyes slowly, his chin rested on top of the french girl's head he watched the albino across from them lean haphazardly across his seat to pour himself another lemonade and vodka for the morning. Coughing pointedly at the Prussian, Gilbert looked up and smiled before patting around for another clean glass and mixed up another.

Mathias and him had once been on good terms, up until a few years ago when he was forced to drag Gilbert out of a potentially life threatening situation In Russia. But afterwards, after a few words were exchanged and a couple of fist fights the two ended their friendship on bad terms and with a sour air whenever they were in each other's presence but for the sake of holiday they threw it aside to try and enjoy their time. Mathias rested his head against his hand as he eyed up his company for the morning, the Prussian had changed dramatically after his dissolution, he was quiet, moody and always had an invisible sign of 'handle with care' stapled to his forehead. The bags under his eyes and the cracks at the corners of his dry lips indicated just how little care he gave to his well being. Sunlight streaming in through the barely open thick curtains highlighted the sharp points of his cheek bones, shadowed the hollowed skin of his cheeks. It was haunting to really look at, to actually see just how far gone the albino truly was.

That probably happens when your immortality begins to slip through your fingers.

Gilbert stumbled over with the glass which the Dane took gratefully before knocking it back, the nameless girl making a small sound of protest before settling back against him, the both of them still managing to shuffle and shift to the slow beat of the music. Mathias caught sight of Alice groaning and patting around for clothes that hadn't been stained with alcohol or some unknown bodily fluid, not exactly caring of what she picked up as he brother followed suit, his movements ten times more sluggish and uncoordinated, the bottles of vodka in his hands most probably the reason to it. Closing his eyes off to the word and letting his other senses pick up everything around him he rested his head back against the human's and inhaled deeply, her hair riddled with the smell of smoke and the slightest hints of her coconut shampoo, she hummed quietly along to the tune, harmonising with the singer perfectly as her fingers rubbed circles into the back of the Dane's neck.

Mathias nearly jumped out of his skin when a second pair of arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him back to an entirely flat chest, leaning his head back to rest on the, he presumed, male's shoulder he sighed hotly his fingers falling away from the blonde's hips to thread his fingers with whoever was behind him. At the feeling of lips on the shell of his ear and scratchy stubble scraping against the nape of his neck he blinked his eyes open and can eye to eye with his best friend, Lars smiling down lazily at him.

"Glad to have gotten your attention." The Dutchmen murmured, his eyes never leaving the girl wrapped around Mathias. She was entirely oblivious to the death stare being directed at her.

"What do you require it for Mr Peters?" Mathias whispered back.

"Alice is stealing us away we'll have to go get changed back at the hotel before we go to work."

The Dane nodded, asking for a minute alone with the girl still clinging to his neck and sighed in relief when the arms around his waist left and he was told to meet both Alice and Lars outside once he was done in the living room. Pressing a kiss to the girl's temple he ran his fingers through her hair and thanked her for the dance that had lasted most of the night. A sweet smile and a nod was his response before a pair of dry lips pressed to the corner of his mouth and she let go, hands lingering in his hair to fix it briefly and a hushed 'Merci' coming from her before she pulled away and walked off with a wave over her shoulder to drop into a seat not claimed by another person or their dinner that had climbed out of their stomachs.

Tucking his hands into his jean pockets he went outside as the Dutchman requested, a taxi already waiting for them and the pair already inside. Smiling he slipped in beside them and collapsed back into the leather. Pulling his knees up to his chest, feet on the seat he dragged his fingers across the rips in the knees of his jeans, noting to get that tended to before he allowed himself to doze off while watching the streets of France's heart pass by outside his window.

**xxx**

The two skated down the streets of Paris, mounting the pavements and occasionally having the odd run in with pedestrians. Cigarettes dangled from their lips, or in Mathias's case a cigarette holder was carefully held between his teeth, and their hair was more windswept than usual, coats flapping at their legs and lapels flicked up to shield the sides of their faces from the wind. They wormed their way past a middle aged couple, the male screaming at them in french with his fist shaking in the air, Mathias looked over his shoulder barking out a laugh and wanking his own fist in the air.  
"Pikspiller!" He blew a kiss before turning his attention back in front of him narrowly missing a collision with a group of tourists all of which screamed out obscenities at him. At his side Lars barked out a laugh, and soon enough Mathias joined in too the both off them getting drunk off adrenaline and each other's laughter.

After dropping off at the hotel to clean up and get changed into unspoilt clothing Mathias and Lars were sent off to run off to an appointment with a designer who they were always quick to strip down for, the designer clothing practically a luxury they couldn't afford without begging. If they were lucky they would walk off with what they had tried on that day, and thankfully for them that day was one of those days. Alice offered to drop everything off and with a nod they all went to were they were needed next.

The shoots were the same, look at the camera and pout, make sure that you're oozing sex when you pose. Collect the money and run off, Alice already taking their spoils back to the hotel while Lars and Mathias were given two boards and were told to go carve up the streets if need be to get to their next appointment. And carve up they did. So much that the people on the streets of Paris looked as if they were going to slaughter the two males as they twisted through the crowds effortlessly, a waft of expensive aftershave following after them in a trail. Kicking up their boards once they neared their stop they tucked them under their arms and pushed their way inside, already being hit with the hustle and bustle atmosphere of the building. A handful of models walked around, some nervous others looking like they're at home and a few even turned to give the pair a friendly wave and a smile, but most of them just paid the duo no mind as they passed, choosing to converse with whoever else was around them or hurrying around to get to where they were needed.

At least casting day had been and gone, people walked out quaking in anger or trying their hardest not to break down when they were turned down. A mood drop for everybody involved but hey business was business. Mathias nearly jumped out of his shoes when an arm linked through his, another body pushing between him and Lars before steering them off in the opposite direction and a quick inhale greeted him with the musky smell of Francis' perfume, musky and playing with the under tones of rose. Typical. Lars however stiffened in response to the casual gesture, the lack of comfort leaking through his every pore and even evident in his breathing before he tugged his arm away and tucked it neatly at his side.

Mathias and Lars were lucky enough to have been gifted with the pure joy of having Francis appointed their 'model agent', really all he did is play with his superiority until the directors caved and gave him what he wanted. So they got easy work, they all made money and looked good doing it at the end of the day. After sitting entirely still while people worked over them, testing how to position their hair, which highlights to use for the make up, if they wanted them to shave or not, which clothes ect they were finally free to go for a break. Smiling to himself once him and Lars were outdoors, leaning against the balcony railing while the wind attempted to card through their stiff hair, smoke twisting away from them, Lars with his pipe and Mathias nursing the thin black tube to hold his smoke.

In silence they sat again, watching life below them while they let the smoke swirl in their lungs. Terrible habits but these days nations had not much else to do, drink, smoke, take anything you can inhale, inject, swallow, work on the odd occasion and suffer through any civil distress along with their people. Mathias and Lars enjoyed that kind of life, the relaxing state of not having to worry as they screwed their bodies up with self damaging substances, relying entirely on the fact their bodies healed automatically at the signs of any damage. But however they still wanted to work, something to pass the time and help them build up their own income that didn't come from simply existing and not stirring shit. Mathias's face was curtained in a veil of smoke, a slight wheeze in his breath with every inhale that slowly faded out into normal breathing as his lung worked to heal the damage. If only his emotions worked the same way.

In his inner breast pocket of his coat, the Dane slowly became aware of a faint vibrating against his chest. Unlocking his phone he spent half a second reading over the three almost sentences sent to him before he went pale and stumbled back inside, cigarette snuffed out on the railing and a couple of pieces of gum shoved in his mouth.

**He's in Paris. Most likely to see you. Good luck Dan. -Ice.**

Mathias almost dropped his phone, his pulse audible in his ears while panic began to settle in. Looking around frantically he mumbled to Lars to go on without him, so much as ignoring his protest he ushered him away, craning his head to try and see if he could spot..._him_. In some ways he was desperate to get a glimpse of...him. To be able to see those pretty porcelain features and the deep blue eyes that always give away more emotion than the Norwegian had come to believe. Sighing heavily in relief he collapsed back against the wall behind him, hands shaking ever so slightly around the cellphone while he chewed frantically at the minty gum in his teeth.

**_Why would he come to see me? -Dan_**

**I don't know Mathias. I really don't know just don't hurt him. -Ice.**

Worrying his bottom lip through his teeth a bitter chuckle purred at the back of the Dane's through, his fingers working slowly over the letters before he pocketed it away again.

**_No promises Ice u know how it is -Dan_**

**xxx**

He felt every single hair on the back of his neck and on his arms stand up on point as the familiar small blonde started to walk directly towards him. Sitting down slowly he pocketed his phone and kept his eyes ahead on dim glow of stage lights and the plain white backgrounds he pulled his bag onto his lap and leaned back further while disgust began to churn in his stomach, the irrational anger and choking nostalgia were perhaps the most intense emotions he'd felt in a long time. But the disgust. That was what was starting to become more dominant to the point he thought he was going to throw up. Or cry. Maybe both.

"It's wonderful weather today don't you think Mathias. Though the breeze just picked up as I got here I wonder why." Lukas, no. Not Lukas anymore he was gone. A sad, distant memory. Norway. Only Norway now.

"You have no fucking right to be calling me that." He dug his nails into his thumb to keep himself anchored, the anger starting to flare along with the feeling in his stomach. He tasted bile. "What are you doing here anyway I thought I said I never wanted to see you near me again."

"So mature. I just thought we could have a little chat." The Norwegian reached out, thin fingers forcefully moving Mathias's head to face him. Where he touched the Dane it felt as if fire were licking under his skin, no stop Mathias, Denmark, just stop, no not again. Not. Fucking. Again. "Believe it or not the impossible happened. I miss you."

"So you're here to beg for my forgiveness? Three years Norge this has to be a new world record."

"I don't need to beg for anything. You can't be left alone Dan." Norway clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and leaned in closer. "I know this is a question you probably won't want to answer at the moment but why did you give up on me. You said it yourself we were made to be together."

He hit away the other's hand away and turned away, casting his attention back out to the nearly soothing darkness surrounding the pair. "Karma is a bitch isn't it?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"I didn't give up...I just had enough. There was a limit to the amount I could handle, a limit to my love. I couldn't take the uncertainty. It was cruel to keep on trying to put myself through that Norge." He swallowed down air, his eyes falling closed while he tried not to dwell on the situation. "You're beautiful but empty. Cold. And it's leeched onto me. I couldn't keep on dying for you when you didn't let me love you no matter what I did. So I had enough and left."

"You killed me. Years before you stopped you killed me and told me you hated me."

"I've died at yours and at the hands of others for your sake, you've said you hated me so many times I can't count them on my fingers and toes. Shut it." Mathias clenched his jaw until it way painful. "You'll have to climb some very high walls if you...want something again and I know you won't put the effort in. Like you never put an effort into our relationship. I was the only one fighting to keep us going, it's meant to be a battle for two not one."

They both sat in silence for a few minutes, a few minutes turned into 30 which eventually turned into an hour of the two of them sitting there staring out at the empty stage. Norway licked his lips slowly, eyes tense before he decided to be the one to break the silence. Surprisingly."I know you've read everything of Stephan King's. So I suspect you'll know his quote... Monsters are real ghosts too they live inside us and sometimes they win." He turned his head to give the Dane a stoney stare. "I think your monsters your...demons finally got to you...that's why you attacked me."

Mathias's lips twitched up into a small smile however inwardly it was the equivalent to the Cheshire cat, the earlier emotions dissipating into that familiar numbness that he had been relying on for so long. Where Norway faked emotionless, Denmark faked emotion. Mathias was far from expecting the sudden movement of the Norwegian placing his lips against the corner of his mouth, shifting even, getting bolder to plant kisses all across his lips. The Dane kept his lips stiff and pressed together in a thin line, trying to hold himself back from kissing back, the craving eventually overrode his logic and conscience and in an outburst of rash behaviour he gave in. Mathias curled his fingers in the Norwegian's hair, keeping him in place while he hungrily accepted the attempts, tears freely slipping down his cheeks as he pressed closer. Years upon years of broken promises and whispered I love yous hit him like a storm and almost immediately he began to recoil from it. Swallowing down the urge to cry, his wrist was brought back before flying forward and making contact with the other's eye, knuckles cracking against sharp cheekbones. Getting up as quickly as he could manage, Mathias stood a fair distance away, chest heaving and nails digging painfully into his palm to bring him back to his senses.

"You're not the Mathias I know. What did you do with him?"

"You're looking right at him." Lukas was aware of the temper Mathias had, he was aware of what he was capable of doing. And now ever so rapidly he was beginning to understand and sense the instability of the Danish male, the way that smile was one of menace yet his eyes, his eyes were void of any emotion. Any humanity stripped bare, non existent..

"This isn't him."

"You're the one that made this one then." He stood up, smiling down at the Norwegian in false sweetness before walking off quickly, trying to shake off the tangible pain, weaving his way through crowds of people to ignore the way of how aware he was of how he could reach out and touch it if he so wished. It was consuming him, eating away until he would cave in which he wouldn't allow, all his walls being thrown up in the efforts to indulge in the sweet numbness that had been there earlier. His breath was ragged, a terrible tightening in his chest, the constriction of his lungs and the deep, shuddering inhales to try and keep back the urge to cry and scream.

Rapidly he spoke down the phone on the way back to the hotel, begging to get on the first flight out and almost screamed in relief when there was a spare seat. Packing away a few things to last a couple of nights he jumped on the first plane out of France, desperation for distance leaving a foul taste on his tongue.

And as soon as the plane took off he broke in a series of painful, wracking sobs, his screams silent and his damaged self raised it's head from the depths of his memories and seeped out into the cracks that he'd fought so hard to repair. But now the cracks were split wide open, gaping holes in his being and where his heart once was.

He wept pitifully until the emptiness washed over him.

* * *

The personification of Netherlands had never wanted to snap a persons neck more than he did as soon as he caught sight of the short blonde walking as if he owned towards the Dutchman. The arrogant way he held his head only enraged Lars to the point he was seeing red, a metallic taste playing on the back of his tongue as they crossed paths.

Two days. Mathias had been missing for two fucking days and it was after that leech of a monster, a nation had suddenly made an appearance in the city. Lars had known oh he knew very goddamn well why he was here and he knew better than anybody or anything that he was the reason the Dane had gone missing. With his own head held high, trying to express the morsels of self control he had in his expression to hide the scowl that was twitching on the corners of his mouth he finally broke and slammed the Norwegian into the nearest wall as soon as he was close enough. With his teeth bared and their faces inches apart Lars hissed at the Nordic who's feet could barely touch the ground once the Dutchman's forearm had pressed against his throat. Panic flashed in the usually emotionless, soulless blue depths of his eyes before he lashed out struggling against the taller male.

"_What did you do to him_?" The words dripped with venom, the glare in his eyes piercing and the scowl that had broken through his attempted mask of calm and collected was feral, teeth flashing with every growled syllable. The Norwegian clawed at his arm, gasping out hoarse breaths as he tried to speak up, lips shaping the words but no voice reached them. Letting up enough for the smaller male to speak gasping breaths came desperately to him through crushed airways, bruises already forming along his neck from the pressure applied there.

Serves the little bastard right.

"I...only wanted...to talk to him...I did...nothing." Norway rasped, his hands massaging around the swelling area of his neck.

"He's been missing for two fucking days since you got here. WHAT DID YOU DO?" Lars roared, a sense of pride bubbling in his gut at seeing the Norwegian cower noticeably at the command, but evidently the shock wore off and a scowl came to the Nordic nation.

"I talked to him. That was it." The empty deep blue pools of his eyes glared up at the Dutchman, the faintest hints of a smirk starting to curl his lips upwards. "And I kissed him."

"You did what." A hiss, a growl he didn't know. It was savage.

"And guess what." The Norwegian grinned, completely out of place on his usually expressionless face. Shifting onto his tip toes he got right in Lars' face and cocked his head to the side curiously. Fringe falling away from his face to bare the bruising around and under his eye in hues of black and blue. "He kissed me back...Well before he gave me a black eye but hey, he was loving it at the time."

Lars stepped back, chin held strong and jaw clenched tight. The vermin probably didn't even know how badly that would have messed the Dane up, fear and panic threatened to drown the Lars in a wave, he could feel it crashing down, down, down...

Blinking furiously he stared at the Norwegian blankly before quickly walking back off to his room, as fast as he could manage as he began choking on his breath.

The tidal wave broke the barrier and started to consume him.


	8. will you miss him when there's nothing

I had actually prewritten this beforehand but I have no clue if this is written well enough or not so don't feel afraid to leave any comments! I'd love to know what you think (:  
Also thank you to the people who sent me the reviews I might just push through with the next few chapters and see how things go (fingers crossed I don't give up halfway) but thank you so so so mcuh you guys have been absolutely lovely  
this entire chapter is in Lar's point of view so do enjoy!

* * *

The two days turned into a six days which started to lean towards a week and Lars felt like he was going insane, his calls went unanswered, his attempts to ask people if they'd seen him gone unheard. There was no word, no sign, absolutely nothing of the Dane. Was it terror? Perhaps, the Dane could be anywhere in the world and he wouldn't know, he _didn't_ know. Shortly after confronting Norway, the already bruised Nordic had left a few hours later on a flight out back to his own country, Lars hoped to god it was in fear.

He was so close to getting on a plane after the Norwegian and beat him to bloody pulp.

He'd tried to reason with himself, Mathias needed time away, he needed air and he thought perhaps the short separation would give him time to let his infatuation wane. Unfortunately for him that was not the case, he grew agitated, stressed not even his pipe could calm him down nor the bottles of liquor stashed in his suitcase. Alice was smart enough to not bother him, everybody was. They all already knew about his situation. Were aware of how he felt. Were aware of how Mathias didn't feel.

After a week he lay in bed physically and emotionally drained from stressing over the Dane, flinging his arm across his face the Dutchman took heavy breaths through his nose, trying to stamp out the threatening scream of frustration wanting to claw out his throat. He needed Mathias in his room, to talk to just him there in some form or another, some form of contact, just fucking something. Naturally he couldn't stay friends with somebody he was in love with, he needed him to touch, to kiss, to whisper sweet nothings into his ear. He wanted to hear the gasping moans leave the Dane like so many had before, the sounds and expression contorted to one of lust every time he was touched just right had faded from Lars' memory, years ago when they were comfortable stripping down to nothing and mindlessly fucking just for the sake of it. The days when the Dutchman took it all for granted. And now he wanted nothing more than to put everything Mathias had into a little jar and keep it for himself rather than wait patiently for the rainy day when Mathias would be drunk enough to not care about who he kissed or touched.

Rolling over onto his stomach Lars hid his face in his pillows, maybe if he smothered himself he'd be able to just forget about all of it for a few hours and actually sleep for once, maybe he'd wake up and Mathias would be beside him laughing and playfully calling him an idiot.

Playfully. It'd been a long time since he'd seen the Dane be generally playful without straining too hard to make it realistic enough for the fools around them believe it. He wanted Mathias to cut the dark shit, the desperation for self destruction, the notorious mood swings that had put people in harms way when he was younger, the wild side to him that wasn't able to be controlled, to be caged so the old Mathias could be himself again. The happy one who felt free to feel what he wanted to rather than the one that ignored the fact he ever even had emotion.

Mathias was beautiful to the Dutchman, not that he'd ever say it to him. Beautiful in the way a forest fire is beautiful you know it's dangerous and could potentially harm you but you can't stop looking, you can't stop watching it unravel because it's just so...uncommon. He was like the devil wearing the body of a god, gorgeous on the outside but there was just something brewing, something unstable, fragile even. There would be the odd slip of the tongue, the glint in his eye or the way his smile would take the turn for manic in some situations.

And that is what drew Lars to Mathias like a moth to a flame.

_"You crave destruction." The Dutchman stated, his hands weaving through the limp mess of Mathias's hair. Mathias who was crouched on the ground head in his hands sobbing. Unable to remember why or how everything around him was ripped to shreds and wooden furniture was turned to splinters. He could barely fathom why there was laughter spilling from his lips as Lars spoke to him or why when he looked up there was a grin stretching from cheek to cheek on his own mouth or why when he spoke there was wonder in his voice._

_"Destruction is a form of creation." He laughed until he couldn't breath, until he was lying on his side clutching his stomach and his breathing was a mix of wheezes and breathy chuckles. Instability clear in his eyes. "I'm creating something for the world to enjoy for once!"_

He scared Lars back then, he scared him sometimes now but that didn't change the fact that he loved him more than anything the world had to offer. Because despite the fact Mathias's shadow followed him wherever he went, there was still light in it, that flicker of hope that he held onto by the bare morsels of his will, and even then it was more than Lars thought could exist, but he hoped that with time...

He might just be the one to bring that back to it's full potential.

But he wouldn't be done even once he did he would continue to covet the Dane until the day they ceased to exist. He was just tired of waking up alone and knowing Mathias most probably wasn't, a different person in his bed at least once a week. He dreamt of the day he'd wake up at the crack of dawn and be able to watch the Dane sleep, to watch the sunlight kiss every freckle across his pale skin and make them light up gold, and that it'd be that way for the rest of their existence, the perfect tranquility of a desired relationship Lars could only live in when he was in the sleeping world. He dreamt of spending the night beside the man he loved and watch the city lights and cars dimly light up the scenery beyond them and remind them that the world never truly sleeps, it never stops it carries on and there they would be in perfect peace enjoying each other's company and discussing all the big and little things, to just listen to each other's breath and appreciate the closeness.

Lars curled in on himself the more the ache in his chest throbbed, eyes falling shut to close off the world around him, the roar of car engines from the town, the sound of wind battering against the windows. Feelings were stupid, love was stupid  
But it was oh so delicious.  
And he didn't know if he ever wanted the feeling to stop.

**xxx**

The collective laughter of the people around him were all background noise, another party for another weekend at the Frenchman's house. A week exactly since the last time he'd heard word from Mathias. Humans around him were draped around each other, some dancing, others locked by their lips and their hands roaming each other's bodies. And a rare few were sat in corners and on couches exchanging one of the many bottles of alcohol the party offered as confetti fluttered around them. A festival of sorts, no reason, no purpose, just the opportunity to get drunker than ones body could handle. And gradually Lars began to accept the shots of whiskey, the long stemmed glasses of wine and threw himself into the world of any good alcoholic trying to drink away his problems. A ring of condensation was left behind with every drink he picked up and drank down in desperation.

And for a while it worked, the dull ache in his chest dimmed to nothing as he danced amongst the table tops with a brunette with too much make up and too little clothing. That was until out of the corner of his eye he spotted a messy haired blonde sitting elegantly among one of the many groups, the champagne in the glass constantly being emptied and refilled in between drags of his cigarette and Lars stopped moving for a moment, watching in awe as his friend, his love, and the sun he orbited around was casually conversing with a handful of nations and a crowd of humans alike.

When somebody stepped in his way of sight and quickly moved again he realised it was all an illusion, the Dane wasn't there and neither was the ghost of smoke he'd imagined and once again the party lost it's appeal and he stepped down shakily from his spot, his body trembling from the effort and sudden movement he lent over as motion sickness caught up with him and emptied the remainder of the day's meal onto somebody's lap. Thank god they themselves were already passed out from their own intoxicated state. Wiping the back of his hand across his mouth he silently pushed through the party, ignoring the musical laughter and shout coming from his sister. She looked as if she'd stepped out of the 1920's with her hair parted just so and her clothes immaculate, his sister who was lucky enough to spend the entire week in Mathias's bed and ride him to prove a point to Lars which had become lost in the midst of his jealousy and her lust.

Sometimes he wished he were her.

But right now all he wished is that Norway hadn't made his slimy ass apparent to Mathias. The fact that he thought...he could own him was disgusting. The Dane belonged to nobody and had made that very clear as the years passed, his sexuality and sex life moving along fluidly, molding with whatever he wished to make contact with. And it pained Lars to know that one huge fucking boulder in his life had stopped him from ever feeling free to well, feel. To accept love into his 'heart' and carry on, rather he just let it ricochet off him like raindrops on a slopping roof, letting it slide off completely forgotten and unnoticed to keep himself from crumbling back into his own emotional ruins as he had once before as he had so many times before for a man who was colder than ice. He'd always found their relationship a little one sided when obviously now that wasn't the case, well in some ways it was reversed now. Lars just hoped he could have the eternal reassurance that he'd be the one to bring back the Dane's rare smile and easy laughter without seeing him strain for normalcy.

It wouldn't change the fact he's naturally emotionally unstable and bad shit fucking insane but hey, nobody's perfect.

Oh god he was such a fucking head over heels idiot.

Rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes Lars bent back, stretching until his back cracked and popped in just the right ways to release some of the tension build there before he collapsed against the arch of the hallway walls, unable to move much further in his attempt to get away from as much of the part as he could to clear his head if a little, if it would help. No it wouldn't help, he needed clarity, he needed the reassurance that Mathias hadn't done something stupid, he needed to know he was safe, he needed all of those things to the point it was driving him insane.

Sucking in his last few breaths of clean air, untainted by an assortment of substances he pushed back through the doors and allowed himself to become immersed in the party, to blend in with the crowd until he was just another face drinking and dancing until his legs felt as numb as his mouth did, until his vision blurred and his thoughts grew hazy. Until the laughter reaching his ears that came from his mouth didn't sound like his own and the smooth movements of him dancing from group to group didn't feel as if he were controlling them. The swing themed music had them all moving to the beat, partners changing on every twist and turn or slide of their feet until they found somebody appropriate, it was so organised in the messiest of ways and for one brief amount of time he was able to forget. Nobody was sitting down in the room all of them moving in one way or another with drinks in their hands. He drank and vomited and drank again until he forgot his own name and every single problem, every single thought about the Dane was nursed by various types of liquor to the point he didn't think about anything other than he had to keep moving. Had to keep drinking. Had to keep losing himself to the loud thumping of bass and screaming lyrics of some song he didn't recognise.

Lars had no idea how he got back to his own room at the hotel on the other side of town with hardly any clothing on with a number scribbled on his arm in cheap pink lipstick or how he even got into bed for that matter. As soon as he sat up the world span with it and he collapsed back into the seats, slowly crawling back off the bed careful not to move his head too much as he moved to the destination of the bathroom to rinse of the evidence of the night before. He scrubbed off the streaks of vomit and lipstick until his skin grew oversensitive and itched at the very contact of skin on skin or scrubber on skin for that matter, the sweat and reek of alcohol swirling down the drain with chunks of god knows what coming from his clumped hair chasing after it.

God how he needed somebody to help him with cleaning up, he was pretty sure there was dirty smudged into his back and more on his shoulders were it felt tender. As if he'd been dragged along concrete, that would explain the gritty texture his fingertips brushed against when he felt at it blindly. Mathias would be a great candidate. Him with those wrists fit for royalty and fingers rough from years of living in the forests with an axe as his only form of protection. How nice that would feel to have those hands massaging the knots and tension out of his back in place of the water that only heightened his awareness the sting. Pausing for a moment with his head rested against the shower wall he opted for taking advantage of what he was made with and took the cheating way out, it was almost second nature for him to think of the skin weave back together. A content sigh left him as the pain left and his back felt good as new everything sorting itself out in less than a couple of seconds.

Sometimes he was so happy that he wasn't mortal. It made the healing process a lot less messy and a lot quicker.

Rolling his shoulders back he let the water wash over himself for a little while longer before he slicked his fringe back and took to hurriedly drying himself down, hand still working the towel through his damp locks to catch the access as he left the bathroom and hopped around into a pair of jeans and slipped a wife beater on before collapsing back onto the bedding, fringe parted across his forehead in clumps and long enough to start irritating his eyes. Ignoring the way the darkened strands of dirty blonde got in his vision he closed his eyes and let himself have a few minutes spare for 'alone time'. Alone time being he, himself and his second best friend his right hand, well that and a sprinkle of imagination.

_He could almost hear the gasping pants coming from the Dane, the way his breath hitched every time Lars swallowed him down, the way his fingers twisted in his hair to keep him in place but also attempt to fight back the urge to shove him right down and fuck his mouth just like that. All of the reactions, the sounds, the feelings were scraps of his memory of how it used to be but still it was enough, it was enough to picture just how Mathias's brows would pull together and his tongue would dart out ever so often to keep his lips wet and drag his bottom lip between his teeth to cover up the moans threatening to rip out from his throat. Lars chuckled low at the back of his tongue, the vibrations sending shocks up Mathias's length, causing the Dane to whine out in frustration. He muttered under his breath in a gurgled mess of Dutch and Danish wanting to piston his hips into Lars' mouth which naturally he declined and took his time, focusing entirely on the feeling on the other's thick length pulsing on his tongue, the texture of the skin and throbbing vein on the underside of his cock which was pressed flat to the Dutchman's tongue. He hollowed out his cheeks, his muscle teasing the organ in his mouth in small twirls and twists to capture the taste and make it possible to savour it. _

_Mathias's eyes rolled back in his head as the suction dragged out his release, raspy moans passing over his lips and nails clawing into Lars back as he arched up, legs tightly wound under the Dutchman's arms. _

_"Lars...oh my fucking GOD..."_

_He leaned up and pressed his lips to the Dane's, allowing his tongue to slide over his lips so he could taste himself on Lars' tongue. _

"Mhmn...Mat...hias..." He groaned into the bedding, fist closing over the head of his cock to collect up the evidence of what he'd just done.

No point when your sister is just standing in the doorway laughing her ass off.

He shrieked when he finally saw/heard her, quickly yanking his jeans up to his hips, boxers and all he scowled unimpressed at the Belgian who was currently dabbing at the tears of laughter streaking down the sides of her cheeks and smudging her make up. When she'd finally finished she pressed her lips together in a tight line to hold back the rest of her giggling in an attempt to collect herself. He looked away trying to hide the fact his cheeks were burning a bright red all the way up to his ears, oh god that was bad. She knew...naturally how could she not but...jesus titty fucking christ why did she have to...holy shit this was embarrassing.

"Sorry for uh...walking in on you there Lars I just...You got a call earlier I was wondering if you wanted to hear the voice mail or not first?"

"How did you even get my phone?...Was it from...?"

"You gave it to me last night so you wouldn't do anything too stupid." A smile pulled at her lips again which she quickly smothered with a cough. "Nee."

"Then it can wait."He kept his eyes down until she left, and when he heard no retreat he looked from the corners of his eyes, shifting his head just so to see her looking at him, concern written across her face. "Why're you still here Alice?"

"I think we need some sibling bonding time don't you?" Looking away again he felt a dip in the bed before a thin pair of arms wrapped around his waist and a point chin poked at the top of his shoulders. "What's going on in that noggin?"

"Nothing."

"Don't think you can bullshit me Mister." She forced him to turn around, and he knew what she'd see, the bags under his eyes the fatigue interwoven with the stress and hopelessness. Alice brushed her fingers across his cheeks scratching at the back of his ears the way he liked until his eyes closed and he leaned into her gentle touch. Her voice was soft as she spoke again, she was almost as easy to read as he was, worried, and a tad bit frightened Lars didn't look even close to stable. "Lars...what's making you feel this bad?"

He took in a deep breath before doing something he hadn't done in a while.

He clung to her and cried.

**xxx**

"I'm...so fuckin' tired of this Bel...I just want him t-to..." She pet his back as he wept silently against her, lips pulled down in a frown. "I want him to know...everythin'...I w-wa..want him to know how when I picture himself...and myself happy..."

"It's when you're together?" Alice murmured to the Dutchman who nodded pathetically against her, it was rare for him to open up to her, it was even rarer to see him cry, something so out of character it blew her away every time it had ever happened.

"Misschien...Ja. It scares me ya know...itwasthescariestthingtorealisehowmuchhemean stome. All the questions..t-the thoughts just rushed through my head all at once and..it fucking hit me, _really_ hit me after he was gone I feel...like I'm losing my mind." Lars continued to try and keep taking deep breaths to at least keep come of his modesty. The dread, the sadness it had crept up on him and he started to wonder, what if it didn't work out the way he hoped it would? How could he possibly...live properly with himself if things fucked up. "He used to be a stranger...so many years ago when we first met him a stranger who w-was obviously one of us. But now I know-w him like the back of my hand. How I...used to hate him so mu..much and now he...has the power to just..."

He gave himself a moment, fists clenched tight in the blonde's blouse to hold her close while his face was pressed against her shoulder, damp with the tears he was starting to loathe. The tears that made him feel so weak to let out. "Break my fucking heart. He owns all of m-my time..if not in person in my thoughts and we never used to spend time with each other and now...it's like he's just constantly here...I wonder h-how I used to live without him...because now I just want to hold onto him forever...Fuck I'm so pathetic."

"It's not pathetic. You're just in love Lars." She cupped his face and forced him to look up, using the sleeve of her shirt to wipe away the tracks of tears carving into his cheeks she smiled softly, hoping maybe she could pull one from him as well. "He's stupid and he's one massive mindfuck but I know how it feels Ned I really do. To love somebody who you don't know loves you back."

"Eli-" She pressed her hands to his mouth and nodded. He shut up instantly.

"It hurts to be in love, but it's one of the best feelings the worlds has to offer." Alice pressed a kiss to his cheek, lipstick smeared against his skin in a bruise of red. "It hurts. It hurts so fucking much but it'll be worth it in the end. This is Mathias we're talking about, _Danmark_. You've both been through a lot and he just needs some time to help find himself again."

"I don't even know where he is." Lars muttered uselessly, his tears long since halted leaving his eyes puffy and red. The Belgian was almost thankful this happened once in a blue moon.

Smiling again she took his hands in hers, pressing a smooth surface into his hands Alice littered more pecks over her brother's face before pulling her hands away and leaving him on the middle of the bed. He turned the cellphone over in his hands, the screen showing there was a missed call.

"I won't tell anybody about this, but I think you should listen to the voice mail Ned. I'll see you later Ja?"

He grunted in response, completely occupied by trying to get his quivering fingers to unlock the screen of his phone to get to the message. An unknown number showed on the caller I.D and he frowned, the slightest furls of hope starting to touch the innermost corners where the dread still lay. Holding it up he listened, bored for moment before his entire expression lit up and he sprung up from the bed, immediately shoving everything into a bag before sprinting out with his phone in hand and that hope in full bloom consuming the last of the depression that had been trying to take a hold of him during the Dane's absence.

"Niederlande. He's with me, come as soon as possible. I'll send you the rest of the details."

On that Saturday afternoon Lars forgot all about the calm coolness he usually presented himself with and raced across the airport to get on the first plane to Berlin.


	9. tell me how this came to be

Phew! I finally got this chapter finished up it looks like I'm able to egt my ideas down a whole lot faster now!  
Anyway thank you so much for all the sweet comments, I'll try and keep this up as long as I can before I give up entirely just for you guys  
so I hope this chapter is to people's liking we're getting closer to the end (or the main pairing becoming a thing I suppose haha) however just a little more stepping stones until that happens so this chapter is back to Mathias's point of very and is a little nsfw  
also GerDen  
so yep! Feel free to leave comments on how this could get better or something you'd like to happen or ideas yada yada ya don't mind me  
enjoy!

* * *

He spent all those six days out of France going from city to city in Germany trying to find Ludwig, most of his houses were empty save for maids who cleaned what he couldn't, all of them saying that mister Beilschmidt was in an entirely different city to the one the Dane was in. Eventually he ended up in the last city he knew the German had a house, praying to any god that would listen that he was there he frantically made his way through the heart of Germany.

He biked through Berlin, designer clothes worn baggy on his lean-on-the-thin-line-of-lanky frame, his hair in his eyes and flat against his head opposed to the usual defying gravity style, dark bags defined his eyes, face clean shaven but bare of foundation to hide the scatter of freckles across his face and neck. He didn't look anything like himself. Mathias worked his legs, mindlessly trying to weave between traffic to get to Ludwig's house, he needed to call in on one of the million favours the German still owed him. He just needed, needed, needed a break, a good hard fuck that would leave him feeling it for a week.  
He needed to be hurt. He needed to forget Norge. He needed to forget that dull pain in his chest that would only get worse. His skin itched and crawled every time he thought back to that brief encounter, the kiss he responded to as if it were natural for him to do so.

It pained him to let his thoughts linger on that, how he felt against his lips yet again, how quick he was to become attached to the sweet taste of his mouth. Mathias bit back a scream of frustration as he came to a stop just outside his destination, his forehead resting against the handle bars while he heaved breaths in through his mouth, eyes starting to water despite how hard he squeezed them shut to prevent them from doing so. The feeling of 'nothing' continued to wash over him and flush out the remnants of anguish that cowered in the very corners of his mind and ate at his chest until it had ached. But then there was nothing but the mild burn in his calves but even that diminished until it was barely able to be felt. On shaking legs he climbed off his bike and half sprinted to the front door, fists pounding on the wood instead of taking to using the door bell. He banged until the wood started to splinter under his fists and he collapsed to his knees, arms wrapped around his mid section and he curled over himself wheezing in breaths to stop himself from breaking down.

He hated being able to feel his hold on reality slip away from him bit by bit, the sanity leaking from him with every minute that passed until he knew he'd end up int he place he fought so long to get out of. His body was void of any substance, liquor, nicotine, drug, there was nothing to keep him from losing himself in the whirl pool of madness starting to form in his head. Mathias's body shook involuntarily from the strain of trying to hold onto the very tendrils keeping him from losing his mind but it was almost as if he could hear it, the strings snapping and crunching under the strain as he tumbled into the recesses of his own abyss where nothing made sense. The taste of blood in his mouth as he bit through his tongue to stop himself from crying out as he was pulled under, he'd been changed, molded so many times by so many people that he felt the ruins of his old self screaming at him in his head, utterly destroyed by what he tried to be for the sake of others. His smile was crooked and sad, his laugh was no longer light and airy and the scraps of his soul were ridden with anxiety and...insanity. Mathias knew he was past the point of saving, too damaged to be put back together without the cracks still letting the past leak through. And it scared him knowing he'd never be alright again. It scared him to know that the rest of his long existence, the cruel reality of somebody of their kind was always going to weigh on his shoulders and remind him he wouldn't be getting out of it. There was no way out for the immortal. No way to give up the position. No way to be in the ground for a long amount of time and no way to ever forget what happened no matter how hard he tried to let go.

The creaking of the doors hinges didn't even spark his interest, exhaustion rapidly starting to catch up with him from weeks of not sleeping and as soon as two pairs of arms wrapped around him he was out cold. The smell of wet skin and aftershave the only things he registered before he fell into the world of dreaming where the voices whispered the cruel reality he was stuck in, in the sweetest of voices.

xxx

Mathias pressed his hands against his eyes. The smell of coffee was right under his nose and made him aware of how starved he was of proper food. Sitting up slowly he looked around blinking entirely disorientated of how he ended up a) inside b) in bed and c) changed into clothes that he'd had stuffed into his bag a week prior. Hell he even smelt like he'd had a shower and a shave, confirmation of that fact was made apparent when he ran his fingers across his jaw and felt the lack of stubble, his hair even styled back to how it was when he gave a fuck. Pulling on the corner of his jersey he walked barefoot out into the hall with his mug of still warm coffee to find the source of the scent of food wafting down into the room he was in, slowly he became more familiar with his surroundings and walked a little more comfortably down the hall. His head was clearer with the smell of cooking meat and room spray that came from each room he passed. A relieved smile came to his face when he saw the back of a slicked back haired blonde piling food onto two plates, Mathias perched himself upon a chair beside him, both hands cupped around the mug smiling just a little wider when he caught the faint up turn of lips on the German.

"I see you're awake now." Ludwig said with a little bounce to his words, oh he was gorgeous with his flawless Aryan features.

"Indeed I am. Thank you by the way." He tipped his head to the side while he sipped at his drink, appreciating the rich taste on his tongue washing down the tinge of metallic blood that still remained. His tongue had healed up just a quickly as he'd expect, allowing the liquid to flow down with ease rather than cause him to wince. The clock on the wall stated it was only a little past six in the afternoon. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I've seen a lot worse Mathias, do not worry I understand the situation entirely. Gilbert informed me of what had happened before you went missing, they're worried about you, you know?"

"I'd imagine that to be the case." He tongued the rim of his mug for a little while to catch the foam from the latte and let it rest on his palate. "Is Italy here?"

"Nein. He's in Milan for the weekend. Why?" The German eyed him up uneasily, Mathias stared at him for a while before smiling lightly and nodding once, his attention being turned out the window to the quiet patter of rain against the windows.

"Would he realise I was here?"

"Not if anybody said anything. He wouldn't exactly be forgiving if he was made aware of it. " Ludwig leaned in closer, the chiseled line of his jaw clenched tight. "Do you wish to call in another favour?"

"If it wouldn't be too much to ask, there have been...things I need to forget for a little while."

"Do you want to talk about it Mathias?"

"You're already aware of how I once fell in love with a boy and never managed to get up until recently. Unfortunately he came back and gave my thoughts a quick stir again."

"How do you feel right now?"

Mathias paused, chewing absently on the inside of his cheek he shook his head and turned his gaze down. To be honest the storm from earlier had passed leaving his head as clear as it was before, as empty of the disorder of emotion as he had been before the Norwegian had rained on his parade and had thrown him into the wild to struggle for mental survival again. But the lack of feeling, it was starting to rot the inner most parts of his head, a poison slowly working through his system to flush out what had once been there and turn it back to the putrid disease it once was. He felt as if he were fighting to keep his head above the water, but the current and the waves were simply too strong and they kept pulling him down despite his attempts to keep himself from drowning in his emotional state. Slowly he closed his eyes, the faintest smile on his lips as he let go and gave up the fight and he plunged right back into the almost mentally morphine induced numbness.

"I feel absolutely nothing...Ludwig. Please. I want to feel. Something. Hurt me. Do. Something." Mathias clutched at the slightly shorter male's arm, desperation laced in with the glint of fragility but his voice came out monotone. His eyes practically void of anything but repressed feeling. "I'm begging you. Please."

The German's mouth opened and closed a few times before pressing together to keep himself silent and he took Mathias by the arm to lead him through his house, his touch almost gentle as if he'd shatter at the slightest change of pressure. Mathias felt a surge of relief when Feliciano's name wasn't brought up again, he preferred the silence to the name that looked as if it were about to leave the German's lips. Instead he was given a short nod and thin lips pressed to his. Grateful, he weaved his fingers through the younger male's hair and pulled him towards the bedroom, keeping lip lock the entire time the moved, only breaking apart when shirts were being shed and trousers dropped, immediately after Mathias's legs were bare Ludwig dropped to his knees and sucked bruises up the inside of each of his thighs. Eventually teeth started sinking into muscled flesh the more they progressed, the Dane's legs quivering as skin was broken, teared into, and left to bleed. He couldn't feel it, he couldn't feel the intensity of each bite, just a dull ache that disappeared as quickly as they came. Skin knitting together at record speed leaving nothing but deeply coloured bruises, much faster than most others of their kind. Growing impatient Mathias fisted the German's hair in both his hands, fingers digging into slicked back locks and yanking them free of their position as he pulled him up to meet his lips. He took pleasure in feeling the lack of composure from the usually so uptight German, the way he hungrily teared his teeth into Mathias's mouth as if he wished to consume him. There was a different between having sex as Ludwig and Mathias to having sex as Danmark and Deutschland.

The one vital difference was the fact that the way they touched each other would have been enough to break every single bone in a mortal's body, the way they grasped at each other and their teeth clicked together in between the violent play of their tongues. The claw marks that broke skin on Ludwig's back would have carved through to delicate organ and bone if it were somebody human. The lack of control spurred the pair on, thick blood dripped from the corners of their panting mouths was Mathias attempted to gasp out the words to create a sentence to get what he wanted.

"Just. Fuck. Me." He hissed, growing more and more desperate for something to at least pull him out of the dark place he was trying to stop himself from falling into. Ludwig crushed their mouths together as harshly as he could, teeth ripping into the Dane's bottom lip until copper exploded in both their mouths anew. Their tongues tangled together a little while longer, saliva and blood being exchanged backwards and forwards, and Ludwig made damn well sure that the same wounds on Mathias's lips being teared open everytime their teeth got involved. Pulling back they stared each other down, Mathias's chest was heaving, his stare manic. Gritting his teeth he released one of his hands from the vice like grip he had on Ludwig's hair and pulled his head back before backhanding him hard around the face.

"_Gøre mig noget allerede_. **_TYSKLAND_**." He shouted the other male's real name like a summoning and soon enough he got the reaction he wanted.

Before Mathias could suck in another breath he found himself spun around and pressed against the sliding doors over looking the city of Berlin, his cheek flat against the cold glass and held in place by Ludwig, no, _Deutschland's_ hand. This wasn't making love, this was too violent for that, a favour indeed. And one he should have taken upon a long time ago. His laugh came out shaky, breathless, he understood. The whole city was to watch as he had the Germans cock impaling him from behind. Pressing his hands against the glass he arched his back until his hips were pressed against the other's and he groaned, rubbing against the appendage, and his mouth watered at the thought of how it would feel, as if he were being ripped in two. Life around the two dimmed like footsteps running into silence until allt hat could be heard was the heavy breathing being exchanged between the two and the wet sounds of Ludwig's tongue buried inside the Dane's ass, his fingers sliding along side it to stretch him open in practiced perfection. And his legs trembled from the strain to keep himself standing up, hands pressed hard against the reenforced glass to keep balance while the German ate out his ass.

The window started groaning at the pressure the Dane was applying to it, the hold on his strength slipping through his fingers to the point in one ear splitting crack the glass shattered beneath his fingers, cutting into his skin to bring on new wounds he ignored completely, not that he'd have the time. As soon as the sound broke the heated silence between them and brought in the chilled wind he was pulled up again and tossed careless onto the bed were he scrambled to get into a more comfortable position before Ludwig entered him ruthlessly, Mathias's mouth open in a silent scream as his eyes rolled to the back of his head. The stretch was incredible, the pain a breath of fresh air to the bullshit that'd been lodged in his head and he wanted more. Needed so much more to be able to get to a better state of mind.

The act itself was left nonviolent save for the scattering on blue and purple appearing along the Dane's neck and shoulders from constantly biting and sucking along his skin, the freckles hidden by the cold coloured hues blossoming to their darkest each time Ludwig's mouth made contact with the pale canvas of his body. His hips frantically pumped into Mathias, making the Dane screaming out curses and prayers until his voice was raw and all he could do his croak and whisper the younger nation's name under his airy breath. His fingers a toes curled upon movement, head lolling to the side as he was fucked into mercilessly yet still underlying caution was still there, Ludwig was still Ludwig and he would take precautions no matter the situation. Mathias's legs curled around the German's back, feet pressed into the dip between his shoulders to keep himself anchored as he snapped his hips back to meet in time with the other male's, he was taken by surprise when two hands rested on his waist and held him from trying to meet the other at every thrust and the pace quickened, each push in causing the Dane to cry out as he went deeper with each thrust. The fingers on his waist dragged down his pubic bone before taking a hold of his cock and pumping it in perfect sync with Ludwig's hips and the Dane could do no more than lie back and take it as his body was toyed with by the German.

His release took him by surprise, his back arching off the bed and into Ludwig's chest, arms wrapped tight around him as he clamped down and tensed around the German's appendage, the feeling of being filled once more by fluid his only indicator that the other had reached orgasm around the same time as he himself had. Collapsing back, sweating and gasping for air his eyes fluttered to keep himself awake, Ludwig lying on top of him for a moment before he rolled off lazily to the size, air coming uneasily to the German as well.

"Danke." Mathias slurred, the lack of voice apparent by the weak whisper that passed his lips.

"You're welcome."

The after glow he usually felt afterwards just wasn't there, just a churning regret, no disgust in himself for going low enough to turn to such physical contact with an already taken man for a sense of comfort. As the German fell asleep beside him his lips turned down and he slipped out, hissing at the back of his throat at the pain that shot up his spine. Sucking back any other noises of discomfort he shuffled to the bathroom, careful not to disturb the German as he claimed the shower and cleaned himself of everything save for what was unable to leave him with just a little shower water and soap.

He tried to wash away his disgust in himself and fight back the bile rising in his throat.

xxx

He sat on the edge of the windowsill while Ludwig slowly woke up and sat in the middle of the bed, midnight just rolling around as he excused himself from the room to make a quick call that was of disinterest to the Dane. He was half expecting it either way. He knew who he was calling and why. Sighing he pressed his forehead against the window pane and watched the dimming lights of the city, shrouded in a blanket of mist. Berlin, it was beautiful, it was historical and it was organised in the way he sometimes wished his own heart was. But it was fitting for Ludwig's capital to be so, it fitted his personality perfectly.

Forget that. Their personalities were completely dependent on historical experiences and what atmosphere their cities and people gave off.  
Forget that as well, if that was true Mathias would be the happiest nation on the planet.

Funny.

"This world is so cruel...so I made my own in a way..where things don't happen so much, where I don't have to worry anymore. I forced myself to distort how I saw reality..." He mumbled around his cigarette, staring out at the horizon, his first kick of nicotine in days and his head span from the substance, stomach shifting ever so uncomfortably while his body tried to settle and the nicotine buzzed through his veins. Behind him he heard the disturbance of silk as Ludwig dumped his phone on the bed and stood at the Dane's side. "That's why I take all the drugs, drink all the alcohol. I can ignore everything and just enjoy how I think life should be...and now it's fucked me up. I destroyed myself to save myself you know."

"But do you feel anything when you do. The enjoyment?" Ludwig played with the end of the Dane's, technically his, ombre jersey where it was beginning to flay. "I remember giving you this...the same colour of your eyes at the bottom.."

Mathias smiled lightly, his head twisting to the side to glance at the German before turning his gaze down to the wool between his fingers. "It was kind of you to give this to me. It's pretty...Nej. I don't, no satisfaction. Nothing. Everything I do just makes it easier to slip on the mask of 'overly optimistic and oblivious' blah blah blah."

Ludwig's eyes turned sad, scanning over the Dane's face for a moment he smiled faintly and brushed a hand through Mathias's unruly hair.

"No matter what you've been through, you've always been a little off my friend."

"You're not too much better yourself Lud."

They looked each other down for a few more minutes before their chuckles dissolved the silence between them, with a final pat to the Dane's head Ludwig left the room, pulling a shirt over his head as he did so and Mathias let his eyes linger for a while on the toned, scratch marked back before turning back to the scenery outside. He appreciated how willing the German was to help him, how there were no questions asked even if he was hesitant he would always say yes. That's just how it worked between the two of them and he was probably one of the only people beside Lars and Alice he could call a 'friend'. Natalia came and went from his life as she pleased and he was comfortable with that, Iceland was slightly complicated and his relationship with Gilbert was strained but they were still on friendly terms. Sucking in the fresh air that came through the cracks of the window Mathias smiled to himself, arms wrapped around his chest and hands lost in the large sweater that had once belonged to the German before he handed it over as a gift.

Ludwig came back in with a silent shuffle of his feet, a bottle of Jägermeister in one hand and two shot glasses in the other. Taking a seat beside the nordic nation he poured them both a drink and when Mathias took up the glass he tipped the corners of their glasses together in a toast before the liquid made it's way down both their throats and they repeated, pour, toast, drink. The liquor worked it's way into the Dane's blood system quickly, filling the gap that had been growing from the absence of alcohol throughout the past week and for it he was grateful. Even after Ludwig had stopped pouring himself shots he nodded for Mathias to continue on until he was feeling better again. It acted as if it were a medicine to him, calming him down and letting his thoughts grow sluggish enough that he didn't have to think about much. He didn't have to worry as much. The only treatment that was affective.

And after a few more shots were used to drowned the Dane's monsters there was knock at the door that had Mathias sitting up straight, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock.

"I thought you said he was in Milan?"

"It's not Feliciano." The German gave him a reassuring smile. "No need to worry so much. Come in."

Mathias almost shat himself when he saw his best friend's furious expression which slowly morphed into one of relief before he practically sprinted forward to wrap his arms around the Dane. Mumbling in rapid Dutch of how worried he was that he'd done something stupid, that he was on the verge of gutting Norge, muttered sweet nothings and reassurances which caused Mathias to snicker and hug the other back.

"Thank you for joining us Lars. Drink?"

**xxx**

_He knew that he's never own him, and that he never would. Mathias would always slip through his fingers like sand. So he shouldn't have had the right to be angered by the sight of bites and bruises along the pale canvas of the Dane's neck. Mathias owed him nothing, he would have felt cruel to ask for anything more. He shouldn't have felt so let down when he realised that when the other was hurting to chose to turn to another instead of him. He should feel honoured that the Dane trusted him enough to allow a gesture of kindness rather than the pain he'd ran to Germany for, the tight embrace Lars wrapped him up in and Mathias melted into, his body limp and his arms resting around his waist while his face was buried into his collarbone. The Dutchman knew if he loosened his grip just a little the other would hit the ground, and that was how Mathias expressed his trust, relying on somebody in such a subtle way, or maybe he wanted to slip through Lars' grip like he had so many other times. Lars couldn't show Mathias how he felt in case it ruined everything yet he still felt it. And he wouldn't deny himself of that. So when he wrapped an arm around the Dane's shoulder and led him to the taxi, the Dutchman held back the outburst that he was dying to let out with all his will power and smiled tightly instead. But that didn't stop him from shooting a glare of daggers back towards the German who was still standing in the driveway with his arms crossed over his chest._

_Even though he felt cheated he said nothing and wouldn't utter a word of what had happened to anybody to save the others around him. He felt like he was going batshit insane during Mathias's absence and he was grateful that atleast Germany took the time to notify Lars as to were he was. But even in the Dane's presence the insane feeling was still there, different but managing to stay entirely identical at the same time.  
_

_So he relaxed back in the cab, allowing his fingers to weave through the Dane's hair as his head rested on his shoulder an air of exhaustion still surrounding him but there was something else there that made Lars curious. Regret almost, he wanted to ask what was running through Mathias's head in that moment but chose to do what he did best and kept his mouth shut and just enjoyed the moment for what it was until the other wished to bring up the topic. _

_He'd wait just as he waited for everything else._


	10. no desire for closure

fist pumps the chapter you've all been waiting for!  
in some ways  
sort of  
no spoilers yet (;  
anyway this is another nsfw chapter which I hope you will all enjoy as much as I had writing it, I have to say I'm on a bit of a roll getting this all writing down don't you think? Anyway thank you so much for all the lovely reviews I hope I get to see some of your feedback later on so I can think of how to improve this for you guys the readers  
This is perhaps the second to last chapter I'm not too sure yet the next one may be the last or the one after it I'll figure it out eventually  
have fun reading guys!

* * *

They'd spent their last weeks in Paris running from place to place as the show neared, their attentions divided among being where people needed them to be and what they had to do. The show came and went quickly, the blinding lights illuminating the strip of concrete for the runway, models swarming out in overly expensive clothes tailored to fit them perfectly as they showed off the designers work. Mathias felt at ease walking up and down, left foot in front of the other, expression entirely passive and gaze straight ahead until he caught sight of a familiar blonde with that one odd curl at the back of his head sitting in the front row with hungry eyes. Letting his eyes rest on him for a little while he fought back a scowl before turning on heel and disappearing behind stage again only to strip down to nothing and hurriedly pull on new clothes.

The bruises on his neck had faded just in time and with it the sour attitude Lars had, had up until then. Oh Mathias wasn't as much as an idiot as people believed he understood why but he just didn't see the point in saying anything about it.

He didn't plan on making it his business quite yet.

After the three days of constant work they walked away with money in their pocket and new clothes thanks to Francis' bargaining with the managers. The streets were packed with people, tourists and others who had come for the show, the famous blending into the crowds as they were begged for photographs and autographs, their smiles as false and the sweet tones to their voices ingenue. To be entirely honest it was the best and worst week every year for Mathias to attend, the glitz and glam both dazzling and dizzying but having to witness when on behind the scenes would be traumatic to anybody who hadn't already seen it once before the cat fights, the arguing, the competition, people bent over the side of toilets and sinks desperate to rid their bodies of food to be able to fit the clothes prepared for them.

Mathias and his companion were lucky to have left the scene without being picked out by more than a handful of people a photo here and there before they were off, dropped into the seats at a cafe with their heads tilted back in exhaustion while they waited for their orders. The sweet smell of coffee and food, the noise of people chatting in their respectable languages chasing away the aches and pains that riddled their bodies from the stress and work. A tired silence hung over them even when their drinks made it to them, Mathias practically leaping on his cup and nursing it appropriately while the Dutchman stared at it blankly, spoon eventually making it into the foam to stir in sugar.

He always liked things sweet.

Biting back a smile the Dane swallowed down the contents of his mug quickly, on the verge of ordering another when Lars finally cut through the quiet.

"Why didn't you talk to me." Lars murmured staring across at the Nordic with a frown on his lips.

"Pardon?"

"Why did you go to Deutschland instead of me? I'm your best friend for fucks sake I can do the same job he did."

Mathias took a deep breath, eyes closed trying to chose his words carefully without hurting the other. "..I...nej...It would have meant something entirely different to you than it would have to him. That was a booty call nothing more."

"So you know?"

"I'm not that dense Lars." He said non-nonchalantly, spoon swirling the foam left at the bottom of his mug before lathering it across his tongue.

"Then you're just being cruel to know about my feelings and not acknowledge them."

Mathias's eye twitched and he flashed his gaze up, blue eyes burning ice cold and stare feeling as if it were penetrating into the Dutchman's soul, a chill pulsing thought the marrow in his bones as he tried not to dive into the emotionless pools of Mathias's iris's. "Agony, pleasure, suffering, ecstasy and cruelty are all things we're expected to experience as nations. Perhaps to even inflict on others."

"I've experienced both cruelty and agony once before and I'm afraid to say I'm having to re-live that all over again."

"I'm sorry to be the cause of that then." The Dane licked his lips before he craned his head to see over the crowd, his lips a tense line and eyes tightened at the corners. "It looks like Francis decided to join us."

The other choked on his words, on the verge of protesting before he turned his lips down in a scowl and sat straight in his chair.

"Don't sulk, it doesn't suit you." Mathias stared the Dutchman down for a few seconds before a smile lit up his face and his voice was laced with a false sweetness as the shoulder length blonde approached their table. "Hej, you look like shit."

"I think I've got a terrible habit." Francis groaned, dropping into the empty chair beside Lars. "I've got parties organised every bloody week, my floor is ruined but there's just so much stuff going on that deserve celebration. It's so priceeeeey."

"I take it you've got another one coming up soon?"

"Unfortunately for me and my cleaners oui. Tonight for everybody who attended." The Frenchman leaned forward onto his elbows. "I managed to get dear Arthur to agree to come along with the promise of liquor surprisingly enough, I wish for you two to come as well."

"I find it amusing you'd invite us of all people to your parties Frankrijk." Lars muttered under his breath.

"You're fun I suppose, also because Alice refuses to come to anything that her big brother isn't at so will you?"

The obvious answer to that was yes, after a conformation from the both of them Francis left them with a skip in his step and a take away drink to go and soon enough the pair were left with a blanket of silence surrounding them. Mathias bit back the rest of the remarks threatening to worm past his lips, he wouldn't lie to himself he craved to touch that spark of love and infatuation that his friend was feeling, the obsessive need to have the one you want and cherish, want and cherish you back. And no matter how much he tried to stretch out to brush across that hunger and hope he feel short and was left with his fingers scrambling around in a void of nothing, the thirst driving him mad as the opportunity to love passed him by carelessly and left him screaming inside his head for it to come back and claim him. He was aware of what he was missing, of what he so needed desperately but he was also unbelievably painstakingly aware of how impossible it was to claim it yet again. And for once in his life he was more awake to the fact he wished to let the wave crash down over him and consume his entire being rather than fight against it, but it appeared that he'd been fighting it so long he knew how to do nothing else than accept his predicament.

The was guilt that whispered at the back of his head as he took in the image of the Dutchman sitting across from him with his downcast eyes and the slight frown still on his lips, pupils pinpricks and eyes flickering backwards and forwards in thought. Mathias reached across taking the other's hand in his own and he let his thumb draw patterns aimlessly on the back of his palm, Lars tensed up in surprise before giving him a look of curiosity, eyebrows pulled together in confusion and mouth a deeper scowl but lacking the earlier bitterness.

"I know I cannot undo what pain I've caused you Lars. But I intend to make the future better for you." Mathias pressed light pecks to each of the Dutchman's fingers before letting it drop. "I want to change that agony to bliss and that sense of cruelty to kindness and I will do anything within my power to do that for you."

"I can't help but accept that as your apology. Mathias. I will wait for you for as long as I have to."

They exchanged grins across the table to each other one of promise and one of hope before they left with their tips left in their empty mugs.

For the second to last night in Paris they went to Francis' already drunk off their asses with bottles of god knows what as their second friends when they passed through the doors to the massive crowd and almost painfully loud music. Everybody from the rich to the famous, to the models and designers who were apart of the weeks of work to nations and people with some sort of connection to those who arrived packed in cars and hanging off the backs of motorbikes. It was true what Francis had said with the rate he was going, the floorboards would be permanently covered in vomit and various fluid stains. Yet Mathias found himself not being able to give two shits as his nose was stinging from the powder he'd been offered and he danced from person to person, lips never touching but always hovering before he teared away to find something else to occupy his time, the white residue streaked across his cheeks and above the bow of his lips carelessly. His insides felt as if they had their own life and he'd never felt so fucking amazing before.

Everybody was on their feet one way or another, bodies strewn on every surface possible as the floor grew more crowded and they all ground, dropped and danced as if their bodies were reacting to the commands of the thumping music. Girls already ass over tit drunk attempted to cabaret on table tops and somewhere in the sea of faces Alice was with the girls with her head tipped back with laughter, cheeks rosy pink as she sang along with the music, the effort clear on her face to be above the music. Spinning around she held out her arms and fell back only to be caught in the arms of some stunned brunette.

His attempt to rush forward to ask her, well more mouth the words to her to ask for a dance was for naught as his arms was caught in another and he was steered out of the crowd, unable to really do or say much he allowed whoever it was to drag him away into the bitter cold of the night. Blinking furiously Mathias tried to get his eyes to adjust to the light change before he was left staring curiously at his friend who's eyes were glassy and nose on the verge of imitating Rudolf.

"Lets get out of here Dan, it's too loud."

"But the party only just started!"

"Please just for me can we?"

Mathias cast a longing gaze towards the uproar of the party, the promise of pure pleasure so close he could almost taste it in the form of pills and powder. However nodding once he picked up one of the many bottles left scattered down the driveway, still half empty and trailed after the Dutchman. His walking a stumble and any attempt of a sentence nothing but slurred Danish by a too numb mouth with a tongue that felt to big to be behind his immaculate teeth. Tiny lanterns lit the stoned driveway, moonlight straining to filter through leaves as if they were tiny imitations of spotlights, everything around them was quiet save for the faint hum of music behind them and the whispering of the wind through the underbrush that bordered the looming oaks. Timidly Lars laced his fingers through the Dane's as they walked, leaning against each other for support and Mathias was able to feel the thrumming of his racing pulse in his finger tips, the gesture oddly intimate but not one the Dane was in the mood to shrug off, it was comforting in some ways. Above them the stars were pin points in the coal like blackness of the sky, and as Mathias struggled to watch his friend through blurry eyes he saw him crane his head up and mumble to himself, eyes locked onto the rare clearings exposing the cloudless sky before the green was shut away behind lids and he whispered the final word of his wish, just loud enough for Mathias to catch his own name.

Mathias found something both fascinatingly menacing and endlessly mesmerising in the differential between light and dark in the sky, space looking like a blank black canvas stretching out father than their minds could so much as imagine how that the stars that Lars was wishing upon would have died long before his eyes seen them, millions of light years away and still the Dutchman wished upon a dead star that he believed could control life and death and the fate of his existence, how he held to the belief that a childish notion could still be put to work, could still perhaps be real in the way children wished Santa wasn't just their family members in red and white suits with cheap dollar shop beards.

He smiled to himself, squeezing the other's palm tenderly to gain his attention so they would continue the seemingly infinite stretch of stone laid out before them that crunched and cracked under their uneven footsteps until the blinding yellow of car lights met them on the side of the road, breaking through the cloud of blue smoke that had gathered around the both of them as they passed a Marlboro between themselves. Hailing a cab regardless of the stench surrounding them they whisked off into the night with vodka in hand and spinning heads, the stars appeared clearer that night.

xxx

Mathias and the Dutchman had been drinking since midday long before the events at Francis' and now with the stars millions of miles above them and the full moon high in the sky and lighting up the darkness of the night the two of them had emptied what they had and lay against one another, the smell of the alcohol was only an undertone under the smell of cologne and aftershave. He lent back in the Dutchman's arms, the stars clear and flickering in and out of focus. The warmth between them was comfortable and probably...it was the best Mathias had felt in a while. His heartbeat hammered wildly against his ribcage threatening to break through as he pressed his nose to the nape of the other's neck to breath in the musky scent of Lars' aftershave and sweat, it was just the perfect mix to create an almost irresistable scent that made his mouth leak with saliva and his tongue almost itched to press against the stubbled skin of his jaw to see if it tasted as good as it smelt, he only just managed to repress the urge and nuzzled closer, inhaling as he deep as he could to contain the semi natural perfume for as long as possible.

A chuckle of amusement left Lars as the slight action, his fingers playing with the fine hairs on the back of the Dane's neck. The brush of the other's fingertips sent interesting currents down his spine that felt strikingly similar to flames which left him confused as to if he scared him shitless or if it excited him and he smiled back against his smile in response to the light laughter. That ball of light, that sensation of feeling unadulterated adoration was so close the bitter sweetness of it lay at the back of his tongue as if to tease him and he could feel it, how this time he'd be able to fully grasp it. Nervousness raced through him like the rapid effects of heroin scraping through his system after the first water laced shot and despite the ice cold unpleasantness it left him feeling light headed and he embraced it, took pleasure in the heart stopped signal before it faded and left him feeling around blindly for it again.

He didn't protest when the other shifted behind him, only moved to keep at least some form of contact until he sluggishly realised what Lars was trying to do, twisting around he gave the other a small smile, nervous maybe. But entirely genuine as Lars cupped the sides of his face. Mathias sighed as the touch, his eyes closed for a moment before he twisted his fingers in the fabric of the other male's shirt.

"You're amazing." The Dutchman mumbled, his eyebrows pulled together as he looked Mathias in the eye and rubbed his thumbs across the angle of his cheekbones.

"Can I just..."

Mathias didn't wait for him to finish, rather he pulled the other male in closer and pressed their lips together tenderly, his hands twisting in the fabric of the shirt between his fingers to keep him in place. Despite the fact he should have been sloppy in his movement he kept it timed, trying to perfect the way their lips moved against each others. It was slow, intimate and so very...  
perfect.

Mathias thirsted for more the way he would be if he drank salt water, the more he had the other on his tongue the more he wanted from him, something shifted within him, primal, wanting, an undeniable heat that raged through his entire being and set alight the dark corners of his thoughts that hadn't so much as sparked for such a long time. He craved more, the desire almost unbearable as he shifted to straddle the Dutchman's hips and pull him closer by the collar of his shirt, elbows bent on either side and forearms shaking from the effort. The Dane, already intoxicated off liquor grew even more so at the very taste of Lars, it made his head spin when their tongue brushed against each other and twisted together. There was something different in that kiss, more of a spark within the action and Mathias couldn't tell if it scared or excited him but still he kept his lips pressed tight against the other's.

He twined his legs around Lars' waist as he stood up, appreciating the show of raw strength as he was dragged back inside with his lips still molded against the other's and his tongue seeking out the Dutchman's for the delicious taste that resided inside his mouth, wet and sweet and entirely addictive. Primal heat drove them both to pull each other closer, the thirst for skin on skin contact able to be felt in the cores of their very beings as they stripped down, bodies sliding back together as if magnetically charged to claim contact again. Mathias's breath was laboured as lips and teeth explored the length of his neck, clamping down in some areas or massaging the skin with the wet muscle of his tongue in tender circles. The couple collapsed back into the down pillows and soft blankets as the back of Lars' legs his the edge of the bed and he lost balance, falling with his arms still intact and tightly wound around the Dane to keep him in place.

They broke out in short, breathy surprised little chuckles before Mathias chose to make his descent down, lips leaving a burning path on their way south, tongue brushing over the surprisingly soft snail trail before it wrapped around the zipper of his trousers and yanked down, teeth working at the button and Mathias had successfully stripped the Dutchman of his tight black jeans with his mouth, fingertips teasing along the band of his briefs before they dipped in, tracing the shape of his hipbones in imitation of light brush strokes. He mouthed at the front of the cloth, saliva seeping through to the pulsing appendage concealed by the fabric. He panted wetly onto the damp patch on Lars' briefs before deciding to pull them down, mouth filling with saliva again as the thick length of his cock slapped against his abdomen, hurriedly stripping himself and the Dutchman down to nothing he put his mouth to work, stretching his lips as wide as he could get it, making sure to be mindful of his teeth as he relaxed his throat and took him down in one swallow. The spit that had been building up his tongue now dripped freely from his lips as he slicked up Lars' cock, tongue dragging along the underside and cheeks hollowed inwards for suction. The taste overcame him, a different type of musk came to his nose, slightly salty with precome and burning hot against the inside of his mouth Mathias couldn't have thought of something that tasted better in that moment, he was bale to feel, smell, and taste everything he needed to where he was.

Lars moans turned hoarse, fingers clenching and clenching in the golden bed sheets while the Dane sucked him off, and he attempted to keep his eyes open to watch the show, to watch the way Mathias's long dark brown lashes brushed against his cheeks as he closed them to focus entirely on working his mouth on the Dutchman's length, how his lungs struggled to drag in air through his lungs and how Mathias wore an expression of pure bliss to be in the position he was in.

"Nee...Mat...Dan...I want to fah...fuck...put it in..."

Mathias nodded shakily, the organ sliding out of his mouth with a smack back against is stomach as Mathias fumbled around in drawers for lube or anything, growling in anger when he came up with nothing. A tube of lubricant was thrown at him and quickly he pushed the Dutchman until he was flat on his back and straddled his hips, fingers working there way into himself in jerky movements as he lent down again to claim the other blonde's lips with his own and resume the battles between their tongues, despite the fact Mathias had the upper hand the dominance was won over by Lars and all the Dane could do was keep his mouth open as every inch was tracked and traced by Lars and sharp breaths left the Dane along with pants that were on the verge of drawn out whines the deeper he began to fuck himself on his own fingers.

Lars' own fingers ventured back in between Mathias' cheeks to push his own fingers in along side his and speed up the stretching process while simultaneously trying to find his sweet spot. When the Dane had ripped away from his mouth and slurred in a language he hadn't spoken since he was young, Old Norse pouring from his lips with Lars' name intertwined with it like a prayer as he dropped his hips and ground back onto the Dutchman's digits. Taking that as a sign Lars extracted his fingers and pulled Mathias up to level him with the head of his cock, the Dane clutched at his shoulders, head hung as the ramblings continued unintelligibly which only grew worse as the blonde lying down began to press his head past the ring of muscles of his entrance the both of them tipping their heads back and moaning deliciously at the strain. The tip was pushed through until it was comfortable enough for the both of them and upon that time Lars began to penetrate the Dane with only the head, opening him up and teasing him with the bulbous tip until he was a panting, moaning mess, until his name was only whispered along with the shallow breaths and until spit dripped from the corners of his swollen lips.

And when he was far gone to Lars' liking did he chose to shift the position so Mathias was lying flat against the mattress, unable to protest as Lars sheathed himself entirely, nothing but the open mouth of the Dane the sign of him feeling it to it's entirety and the twitching of his inner walls his silent response, lips shining with saliva and precome in the weak light of the early hours of the morning.

Mathias found himself with his fringe plastered to his forehead with sweat and his legs at his shoulders, bent in a position he couldn't believe he could even manage as the Dutchman slowly but firmly fucked into him, whispering sweet nothings and promises to him in rapid breathless Dutch. The language sounded like the most beautiful music he'd heard in his existence, every word that met his ears rang with the sweet song of love and he couldn't do much else but allow himself to plunge into it, to let the kindness and infatuation wrap around him like a noose and strangle the life from him until he forgot how to breath. His voice grew too husky and his throat to raw to let out the syllable that built up Lars' human name, the name slipping his tongue like how you'd lose balance when the pavement is too curved or too slippery. That's how his tongue felt, too slippery to let words pass it without turning into a gurgled mess while his airways burned dry.

Their pace was steady and rapidly speeding up as the Dutchman was dragged closer and closer to release by his own pleasure, and he decided to take pity upon the Nordic laid out beneath him and took his heavy erection in his hand and with a few firm strokes of his hands against the dripping appendage had Mathias shooting white across his stomach, his voice cracking as he cried out and arched up, sweaty, semen covered chest pressing against Lars and rubbing them together so the fluids combined and his fingers clawed helplessly as his arms for an anchor. The raw throaty whisper of the Dutchman's name was enough to bring him over the edge in more than a few moment afterwards, buried to the hilt he filled the other to the brim, white fluid streaming down between his ass cheeks and onto the silk sheets.

"Mathias...I love you...so fucking much..." Lars rasped out, his arms encircling the Dane in a tight embrace and he smiled, grin stretching from cheek to cheek. "Thank you this..."

The Nordic could only stare up at him with glass eyes, his lips trying to form words before he gave up and ran his tongue across his teeth. Smiling faintly he got up onto his elbows and pressed a kiss to the other's lips before collapsing back to the pillows, fingers brushing along the shape of his face before it fell back beside his head.

He simply nodded and chose to feign sleep.

xxx

The clock on the wall read 3am and still wrapped in Lars arms he felt like they were the only two people in the world, perfectly quiet apart from the Dutchman's even breathing, the warmth between them more comfortable than anything Mathias had experienced. Mathias was happy lying there, and he couldn't imagine doing it with anybody else at that very moment. And Lars looked so...well beautiful in the dim light he seemed so much more than the bag of bones and organs and muscles that made up their vessels, he seemed more than just a nation, so much more than anything other than otherworldly. Emotion hit him like a wave and was like poison through his system, absorbing into veins and arteries and stuck like honey, it burned like arsenic, a choking shock that left him gasping for air that wasn't reaching his lungs. It broke through the wall of numbness that had claimed him and it almost brought the Dane to tears.

Not again

Not this feeling again

So horrible yet so…

So undeniably

Brilliant.

Outlining the features of the sleeping Dutchman's face with the tips of his fingers, the perfect straightness of his nose, the sharp cheekbones, his lips, his eyes and his sculpted jawline Mathias slowly came to the painful realisation. That the one emotion he'd denied himself of for so long started to elevate his heart rate and goose bumps to rise across his skin.

He was falling in love all over again.

_and he was **terrified**._


	11. gone such a long time & I feel the same

I really hope you all like this chapter, it's got some very quick changes in scenes but eh I'm very sorry  
don't forget to leave comments they always make my day! Have a lovely week (:

* * *

Mathias slipped from under the Dutchman's arms, packing whatever of his things last strewn across the floor and on the bed. His attempts to not stir the other was for naught as a groan of protest came from the bed, hiding his things by the base of the bed he sat down beside Lars, hands combing through the still sweat sodden locks and mumbled sweetly to him, 'go back to sleep, I'm just going to the bathroom.' which was replied to with a sigh of relief and a small smile as Mathias littered pecks all over his face, lips lingering on the corner of his mouth for a few seconds. As soon as he was sure the Dutchman had fallen back asleep Mathias was off again, changing into clothes and halfheartedly trying to tame his hair as he picked up his bag and left at the early hours in the morning.

His chest ached from leaving Lars behind, for slipping away to walk off in the dead of night so nobody would see his panic. He bit his tongue realising he'd be leaving the Dutchman who had the comforting smell of old books and cinnamon, who's voice was sweet honey and melted caramel, who's eyes were fields of grass and the tulip fields he loved so dearly. A lump grew in his throat as the door closed behind him and he came to the realisation that he wouldn't be hearing the rare laughter that sounded like falling rain and was so soothing he craved it like a warm cup of coffee. With his chin held high and his back straight he closed his eyes and swallowed back the lump that was clogging his throat.

He knew he himself yearned for love and yet he was pushing it away in fear of his thoughts being overcrowded when the man he loved woke up and gave him the soft look that was sure to have been there when he saw that Mathias was beside him. That kindness and adoration he wanted to taste and keep but knew he could not.

And Mathias chose to run and hide from possibly the only good thing he'd come across in a very long time.

xxx

He dreamed of how life could be with him and Mathias, the Dane sitting on the pier not far from his house that he rarely went to as opposed to the loft he was so dearly attached to, of the sunlight bouncing of the pale blonde of his hair and lighting up the pure and strange shade of blue his eyes were, of his feet kicking over the edge and skimming over the surface of the water that Lars was swimming in. Of the Dutchman tickling the ends of his toes as the water brushed by his bare feet just to get the sound of laughter to his ears over the gentle lapping of water against wood and whistle of air. But that sweet dream of Mathias with his stone washed jeans, rolled up to the knees so they wouldn't get wet turned into one where he was saying in an oddly sweet voice with the slightest tinge of guilt mixing in with it that he was going to the bathroom, that Lars should just go to sleep and he'd be back in a moment.

Lars wasn't unsurprised when he found the other side of the bed empty when he finally came back to the waking world, his fingers lazily drawing patterns on the side of the mattress remade to look like nobody had even been there. He lay there, slowly blinking sleep from his eyes as sunlight started to touch the sheets just as his fingers came across a little square of paper situated at the base of the pillows.

_I'm afraid I'm in love you too._

Was he afraid to be in love with him as well or was he saying it was a bad thing for the Dutchman. That he couldn't decipher but he folded the piece of paper up and pressed it to his chest anyhow, trying to figure out what Mathias was trying to say.

He didn't understand Mathias at all.

Pulling on jeans and a shirt from the night before he left his hotel room with his keys jingling in his hand and his heart pounding anxiously against his chest, anger and sadness swirling together violently and knitting together as it screamed and barreled it's shoulders into his ribs. His breathing was shallow and his eyes were wide as he felt his mind tear apart from where it was resting in the false sense of tranquility and hope while he banged on the Dane's hotel door, the door opened with a click and he found himself face to face with a cleaner who's lips were twisted into an unimpressed frown. Lars frantically looked behind her for any sign of Mathias, clothing, his things maybe even him with his body laid out in exhaustion across the couch. Nothing. There was nothing to suggest he'd ever even been there. Apologising to the cleaner who was starting to get wary of Lars he sprinted down stairs. The sadness and loss of hope was what he feared and hated and he wasn't able to cope with the menacing twist to his thoughts jeering at him for ever wishing for a fairy tale ending between him and Mathias.

"Is Mathias Kohler still anywhere in the hotel?" He spoke in broken French to the clerk who smiled who was all pearly white teeth and gelled down hair.

"I'm afraid monsieur he had left early this morning, a taxi was called to take him to the airport, why?"

He closed his eyes, taking in a few shaky breaths he stepped back, nodding as if he were expecting it and his shoulders slumped. "What time?"

"Around 4am. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Nee. Thank you."

A snow storm had began to brew outside and after leaving the clerk, he packed his things away as he brewed over his losses. Lars almost choked on his breath when he caught sight of Mathias's jacket sleeve peeking out from beneath the corner of the duvet and he quickly scooped it up into his arms and pressed it to his nose to covet the sweet smell of the Dane, oaky and baring the mouthwatering scent of strawberries from his shampoo. He shouldn't have been so foolish as to believe they would continue on as usual. He shouldn't have been so rash in his actions as to scare the Dane, he should have taken it slowly, pried away the walls brick by brick instead of ripping it all away in one go so he would be able to see a glimpse of what Mathias had hid from everybody and everything. As he check out and slipped into the back seat of the taxi, mindlessly mumbling to go to the airport, euros being handed over to the driver.

As he walked to the terminal, feeling as if he were suffering from an out of body experience, not feeling as if he were the one controlling his body and making it move in long strides as big dense flakes hit his eyes and puddles grew in his shoes and the cold crept into the core, embracing the consuming pathetic feeling with a thin veil. It wasn't going to be easy trying to find the Dane but he'd try.

And he'd just keep on trying.

He'd try to find him and most of all he'd try to understand the man he was sure he'd never be able to.

xx

He was missing for months, nobody had any idea where Mathias had gone to and if anybody knew they did a damn well good job of hiding it, he sent a representative to every meeting he was to go to, social events he was missing. And Lars was sure he was going grey with stress the entire time despite Alice's constant reassurances. On every holiday however a few thousand dollars appeared in his account out of nowhere and he wasn't an idiot he knew who put them there any why. An apology of sorts, small hand written cards that always ended with _please wait for me, please forgive me_. All Lars had as a reminder that the Dane ever existed were the hastily written letters and the jacket he'd left in the hotel room, the smell of him long gone from it save for the faint scent of smoke stuck in between the fibres that Lats had tried to save in desperation for at least a trace of him.

Since January 23rd he was off the map and nearly 11 months later did he decided to swan into a nation meeting, the day after Christmas one that Lars was forced to host but refused to say a word during it with his suit pressed and looking as gorgeous as Lars remembered, however he was sided with a much taller Swede who he took his seat next to, purposely ignoring the Dutchman who's heart had stopped as soon as he caught sight of the Nordic. His throat closed up and he couldn't stop staring, while everybody murmured in surprise at his sudden appearance Lars was at a loss for words, the worry sliding off his shoulders to make room for the hurt and anger he'd been repressing for months upon months the longer he stares at the Dane who looked as careless as ever, flicking through paperwork and talking to anybody who approached him with a look of bewilderment.

A few of the nations in the room weren't so good at hiding their lack of surprise, namely Italy, Alice, Spain...

He watched him the entire time while slowly chewing on crackers he wasn't aware of being stale, the texture terrible against his teeth and the wheat dry as he forced himself to swallow it down, jaw tight as his sister held a hand warningly to his knee to stop him from leaping across and screaming at Mathias who had left him with a single note admitting he was in love with him. He had every right in the fucking world to be pissed off.

Mathias took long drinks from the thermos he'd brought in with him, the same thermos that would every so often end up Sverige's hands and went back and forth between them during the entirety of the meeting and from the glazed looks coming to both their eyes he was certain whatever was in there was anything but a non-alcoholic drink. He watched as they simultaneously glared at the Englishman who was ranting at the front of the room, as they turned a blind eye to the screaming fit between Egypt and America, and as at one point while Sverige was intently listening to Deutschland drone on about the situations in Europe, Mathias had turned to stare right back at the Dutchman, his eyes apologetic and his mouths forming the words to the apology.

He knew he was sorry, he'd gotten all those notes. He wanted to accept it but he was furious. He smiled tightly and continued to stare him down, the anger starting to end up in the same pit as all the worry the more he looked across at the Dane, stress lines carved ditches into Mathias's forehead, bags under his eyes, and his smile was strained as if he were trying to hold back tears. He looked drained and when he looked away the scarf obscuring his neck hid the obvious tense hold to his jaw.

Oh.

Maybe he had a valid reason to go off the map, maybe just maybe he had a reason to slip away after telling Lars he loved him back but Lars...just couldn't fathom why.  
What was he even doing for all that time? And why was he wearing a scarf inside while the heaters were on high. What was part of himself was he trying to hide from the world?

Was he swallowing people into his mouth the way he had months before to the Dutchman? Was he working himself to the bone to forget that night? Was he simply giving himself time to relax and find himself again and sort through the lost emotion that had hit him like a storm when it returned?

What the hell had been so important that we wouldn't come to meetings?

Lars didn't notice that the nations in the room had started to disperse save for the Dane who his eyes were still glued to in a hazed daydream built up by questions that only fell unanswered the more he questioned everything about the Dane, Mathias stared back, head inclined just so as he talked in that silky purr of a voice to the Swede at his side until the taller Nordic nodded once and left the pair along in the conference room. The Dutchman stood up slowly, treating the other as if he were a wild animal that would be spooked by the slightest unexpected movement. When Mathias stood up as well from his seat, taking the time to adjust his suit jacket and push in his chair before he turned to Lars and smiled faintly. He however wasn't expecting the Dutchman to come running at him with a hand to his throat under the fabric of his thick scarf, the Dutchman who used the leverage he had to press the other against the wall behind them, nostrils flared and teeth bared.

"WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?" He pinned him against the wall, arm at his throat in a similar fashion to how he'd threatened Norge however this time there was no struggle from the man under his arm rather a passive sigh and he looked away. Lars wondered if he'd been shamed into submissive silence. "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A FUCKING YEAR."

"You look like a wild dog when you're angry, it's similar when you eat as well...a starved animal." The smell of gin and juice was thick in his breath and his words were ever so slightly stumbled, still honey coated in with the ever present smooth and sultry tone and the faint smile on his face never left him as he stared at the ground. "I've been everywhere."

"..."He waited for him to continue, impatience starting to get the best of him he tightened his grip around the Dane's neck, scratchy wool irritating his fingers. The animalistic and purely instinctual violence that came from people of their kind. Mathias understood, the knowledge clear in his hazy grin that dissolved into a series of chokes until Lars let up.

"Italia, Espana, at Alice's, at Russiya's at my own house...England...Deutschland...America...everywhe re you could imagine...and then some..."

"At Sverige's?"

"He's been in Copenhagen you know I wouldn't step a foot in his country."

"In Copenhagen or in you?" He spat.

"Don't be ridiculous it was all purely business." Mathias looked at the Dutchman, hurt clear in his eyes. "The entire time I was away...I thought about you. I wished you were with me."

"Then why wasn't I with you?"

"Because I thought you'd hate me. Everybody who says they loves me despises me after something like what we did happens...because they got what they wanted and realised all they wanted was a one night stand instead of something serious and the infatuation they had was just for my body and not for me. Lars I didn't want to wake up and have to make that walk of shame after knowing it was all bullshit."

His grip loosened up ever so slightly, twisting his wrist as to get his fingers under the fabric of the scarf to yank it away, when his eyes came to meet a crisp white gauze covering the side of his neck Lars let his arm drop away. Quickly taking to stuffing his hands in his pockets, guilt and jealously already built up in his chest. Dropping all eye contact the Dutchman backed away and left as quickly as he could, embarrassment turning his cheeks red and pulling his lips down in a scowl. He kept walking as quickly as his feet was carry him even when Mathias yelled after him, telling him to stop. The sound of sprinting footfall almost made him start running to stay out of reach, he fought back the hot tears that sprung forth to his eyes as the Dane caught him by the bicep and forced him tot stand still.

He was briefly reminded of the inhuman power Mathias did contain, sure nations all held a level of it but some...force decided to give Mathias the type of power that could crush a city without batting an eyelash or breaking a swear. Lars chose not to fight against it in case in an influx of forgotten strength the Dane ripped his arm out of his socket. It was the danger Mathias possessed that drew Lars to him like a moth to a flame. And that contact sent shivers up his spine and a whine to draw out from his chest.

"What are you doing Danmark."

"Don't call me that."

"It's your name isn't it? Danmark."

"It's not what you think it is."

"Is he a good fuck Danmark?"

"Lars for fucks sake I didn't have sex with him. You know my relationship with him he attacked me, stabbed me in the side of the neck with a wine bottle. Go ask himself yourself, ask Finland even. He was there for the entire thing, he had to pry him off me before I bled all over the fucking carpet. See you at the next meeting Netherlands." The Dane glared at Lars, his expression a poisonous scowl and his hand fell away, turning on heel he swore to himself in his native tongue. And this time it was Lars' turn to grab the Dane and force him to face him, the sound of his real name coming from Mathias felt like a slap to the face. It stung on the last syllable and the sneer that followed with it sent white hot fear through his nervous system.

"Hold on for one fucking minute."

"Let go of me."

"I'm not letting go of you when you've been gone for eleven bloody months." He shook the Dane violently, both hands clamped down tight on his shoulders. "You're not going anywhere until you explain everything to me."

"I'm in love with you and I'm scared of getting hurt again so can you please take your hands off me before I do it myself and we both know that won't end well." It was fear and not anger that graced Mathias features, anguish and no traces of hostility. Disappointment instead of loathing and that was just as bad. Lars shook his head ferociously, on the verge of shaking Mathias again hoping that the sense will go with the action, rather he put his frustration into crushing his lips against Mathias'. The other locking up before he kissed back, his fingers clawing at the back of his neck to keep him in place while his mouth moved with just as much passion and anger as the Dutchman contained, the anger of which was slowly having affection leak into it until the lip lock turned into something sweet, chaste.

"Let me take you out to dinner." Lars whispered into his mouth, tongues twining together in a messy dance. "We need to catch up...Mathias..."

"Please."

He had been praying to a god he was sure wasn't listening that he and Mathias would end up together, and it was like wishing for rain in the middle of the desert hopeless but he was still hopeful, and he held the Dane closer than most because he was his heaven and that was the one little pleasure he wished to keep.

Lars had a second chance and by god he was going to take it.

xx

There was something about Mathias, in the way his dimples cutely shaped his smile and his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed, and when he laughed it was at the simplest things people looked over where he saw beauty and potential. The way he appreciated the Dutchman's hands of an artist, fingers which could sketch the illusion of life onto paper with the flick of a wrist and Mathias would lavish those fingers with attention in the way he was now, turning over the palm of his hand and tracing the bumps and dips and joints of his fingers. The Dane held the ideas of a mad man and that combined with Lars' talent and eye for art would create endless impossibilities that their minds would not be able to comprehend until they were put into action.

The way Mathias would watch things that were so common like the way the snow kissed the ground below in silent whispers, the way leaves blew along cracked pavements and hissed upon contact with gravel by runaway breezes and the way the clouds would chase that wind and mold into an assortment of shapes that would cause the Dane's laughter to melt into the chilling wind. The way his voice would crack in the mornings ever so cutely and his nose would scrunch up as he yawned whenever he had a night where he managed to rest, the very voice Lars had been on the verge of killing to hear and just as he was able to have that tone reach his ears it felt like heroin was injecting into his veins, his guilty little pleasure he was overzealous to get another kick from.

He was unable to stay still, always needing to move, to do something, or have something dangerous in between his index and digitus medius. Mathias still had the fearlessness of the Viking days in his blood and the mind and curiosity of an explorer that fueled his wanderlust for things that no longer existed, he had this addiction to vintage photos and many, oh boy hundreds were stuck to the walls of his bedroom as an example and all of them would light up in the early eyes of the morning and the reminders of the good days would almost have a presence in the room, be made apparent. Mathias was simple yet unique in this way that he refused to be different but he just wanted to remain himself.

And Lars was happy to say that all those little things were what made him himself the most beautiful being on the face of the planet. He spoke to Lars over the table with his shirt cuffs being undone absentmindedly, his words and fiery temper fueled by a rare passion as he explained where he'd been and why, the tasks undergone in secret, the people he worked for and favours he had called upon for assignments he had been granted, how he'd stumbled into unwanted work that he'd only just managed to break away from with sums of money in his back pocket and adventures that would follow him until something new came along to take their place.

The deep blue of his eyes were flared with the ferocity of not being able to control the actions Norge had forced upon him as he spoke of the day he'd left Paris for the first time during the freezing January. How he had to pick where to go and who to go to without feeling as if he'd hurt people in the process, he didn't turn to Lars in fear of what would happen to their relationship and he slipped away in the early hours of the morning so he wouldn't find out what would happen after that night of intimacy. His words were things of passion and compassion, his previous actions direct yet considerate and the Dane Lars had felt as if he didn't understand at all within those few short hours he finally understood him in his entirety.

Mathias's charisma was an addiction unhealthy and healthy at the same time but Lars couldn't find it in himself to care. The Dane was a creator and a destroyer in some sense, the warm smile he gave to people was just a false mask to hide the danger that glinted in the blues of his eyes when a flame caused light to glint against them just right. He was a personal drug to the Dutchman, that everybody including himself despised to a certain degree by craved, needed, wanted. That strange nation with the musical laugh and the freckles he tried to cover up with over expensive make up was everything that felt right in the world, the knowledge he could be a protector despite his dangerous past.

It was because he was the kind of person that would hunt for four leaf clovers in tall standing grass and would drink in sights that one would see every day as if they were moments he would remember dearly for the rest of his existence that people found him such a pleasure to be around. Again that easy grin with the shockingly perfect teeth was enough to win a person over until they heard him speak that slight win would turn into an infatuation nobody could control.

However he had scars that showed the battles and wars he'd fought in with more bloodshed than was intended, he fought his own person demons in his personal hell when what happened on the surface was practically a Sunday walk to him than what went on in his head and Lars wanted to change that, to help the truths that wouldn't seek out the light be graced by it. To change that smile actors would kill to be able to pull off into one that everybody can enjoy once again and know it's genuine.

And as the conversation grew more light hearted and playful and the bottle of wine dwindled down to nothing and the wind from the cold rainy night battered on the windows beside them they exchanged the matters of the world, over things that didn't concern them in anyway what so ever but in some ways connected them in a way they couldn't explain. As the night wore on and they left with an umbrella acting as a pathetic attempt of keeping dry and Mathias continued to chat Lars was able to appreciate the fact that the Dane was an individual in the ways he stood out from the rest of the nations, his thoughts and feelings, his actions and silkily spoken words made him a whole and gave him and identity the others could only wish to have. He relied on the things he already owned and wished to have, his own peace and was careless of how the world would get brought down by the things he did, Mathias was a fire in the way he was dangerous and beautiful yet like anything he would become wounded easily but would heal just as flames would grow again once a drop of water was dropped into it. And with each time he healed he was wiser, stronger and so very much lovelier.

Lars acted in a burst of boldness as he lead Mathias to a small ally wedged between a bar and a bookstore and dropped their shelter in favour of pressing his thumbs to the crease of the Dane's lips, the others teeth pressing against the pad of the phalanges and his tongue swiping out to take the taste of soil and left over chocolate from Lars' favourite snack away from the skin and to suck on it until it dispersed. Mathias's fingers laced through the thoroughly drenched locks of Lars hair and their lips soon met in the sweetest of kisses, the traces of their dinner still lingering on each of their tongues. The Dane was leaning against the stone brick wall that was rubbing against the wool of his coat, legs a little tangled and tongues in a similar fashion as Mathias dragged his fingers down the back of Lars' neck to the curve of his back and tucked his hands into the back pockets of Lars' jeans to keep their bodies flush together.

And when they pulled away, hair stuck to their foreheads from the pouring rain Lars felt as if he'd gone insane the longer he stared into the ocean of Mathias's eyes, wide open and pupils dilated till the blue was barely visible, a thin ring around the pitch black. Lars combed the sodden locks from Mathias's face, slicking it back almost identically to a certain German's yet still he held that charming and boyish look despite the restyling. His freckles were highlighted by the yellow glow of the street lights and Lars couldn't help but press kisses to each one he could get to until he felt the rumbling laughter pour from Mathias's lips.

"It's been a while since somebody looked at me that." He murmured breathlessly.

Lars did nothing more but smile against the perfect angle of the Dane's nose and he could tell that for once.  
Mathias wouldn't run.

"If you want to court me tonight feel free, you already took me out to dinner and paid with your own money." The Dane pressed a kiss to the end of his nose, catching droplets of rain water on his tongue before he tipped his head back and stared up at the pouring rain. "I feel amazing."

Mathias was Lars' love and his alone and for once he was able to keep that charisma and that rare comforting smile for himself.


	12. Being as in love, love, love

_**chapter titles (and some chapters) inspired by  
reconsider - the XX  
Angels - the XX  
Missing - the XX**_

Last chapter guys! Blah I have an au I want to write as well with these two but hmm maybe we'll see how much people like this one or not  
But if you guys have any ideas what so ever on a new thing i could perhaps write don't be scared to drop a suggestion (:  
btw i might work on remodeling Stockholm Syndrome a little later on (i wrote that a year or two ago and i can't help but cringe when i reread it)  
aaanywho I hope this was a story people enjoyed reading and much as I did writing it, if there's anything I could improve/change etc please go ahead and point it out I'd love to hear what your opinions are!  
Thanks for reading and I hope you guys have a wonderful time.

* * *

Mathias chose to spend the days leading up to the new year in Amsterdam with Lars.

The Dane would sit quietly, curled up against the soft cushions of the couches in Lars' home while he swallowed down the pills that kept him stable and chased it all down with a bottle of beer as his best friend sat at his side sketching quietly into a leather bound notebook with old looking pages of paper as a canvas.  
He'd woken up more than once nearly drowning in the Dutchman's bath with little white dots floating around on the lukewarm water as they attempted to dissolve after one too many pills and a bad mix of alcohol, some days he was unbelievably thankful for how quickly his body would work to right itself and have him functional again. His rare panic attacks would leave him gasping for breath and his skin crawling comfortably but he was able to repress it all and slip out looking as if nothing happened save for the slight blue tinge to his lips and the ends of his fingers. If Lars noticed anything he didn't say a word.

Some nights, despite how freezing it would be they would break into the nearby local pool and slip into the water for a midnight swim, Mathias in his element would feel at peace dunking himself under the subzero temperatures until his skin prickled and every hair stood on end. Lars would be more reluctant to dive in, warily eying the water even if it was his idea initially. He would go as far most nights as rolling up the legs of his trousers and let his legs feel the chill while the Dane rested his head on the edge of the pool and they would have rambled conversations and Lars would have such a beautiful way of speaking in metaphors that Mathias found himself falling in love with and they would remain that way until Lars found it too hard to stay awake and they'd leave the way they came, the Dutchman wrapped up in a blanket he'd been smart enough to bring with him before they left and Mathias dripping wet, an equally damp towel dragging along behind him and his clothes only just managing to pick up what water that remained on his body that the towel could not soak up.

He would cry still at night as his mind became more open to the sickly sweet taste of emotion that consumed his every thought and hid in every crack and crevice in his psych, when they weren't speaking into each other's skin and it was the early hours of the morning and he was unable to let his mind rest he would weep silently curled onto his side to hide his weakness from the Dutchman behind him, he on most nights didn't comfort him and he didn't say it would be alright and being honest with himself that was the best gift Lars could've given the Dane. All he needed was somebody to sympathise with, somebody to just listen without making an action or gesture towards the break downs that would hit Mathias when he thought he was all alone in the waking world. Though other nights when the sobbing grew to hysterical and he would excuse himself for a moment before falling asleep in exhaustion on the floor of the bathroom, Lars would feel as if were his duty not to move until the last of the tidal waves of worn out tears stopped stopped crashing onto his shoulder and the Dane's sadness faded with a tender kiss to the temple. Every time Mathias was thrown violently into a break down Lars appeared sad, the man he loved was crumbling in front of him and it seemed as if there was nothing he could do until he passed. He would hold him as long as he deemed necessary before he'd speak, and on the third night of such an occurrence with his arms squeezing tightly around the Dane he found the words he'd promise and keep to the best of his ability.

"It's going to be okay. I love you. I'm going to make it okay."

Mathias would laugh weakly and shake his head before returning the gesture. "Nej, you've done enough already Lars this is something I can handle on my own." He planted the softest of kisses on his lips and his mouth arched up into the lopsided grin the Dutchman had fallen in love with. "If I can't handle something like this I may as well be human. I don't want to be a stress Ned, I just need to remember my meds and it'll pass."

It pained Lars to hear those words but he understood and appreciated the small favour Mathias was trying to give him despite how bad he wanted to help. And as Mathias chose to start taking the little white tablets that stabilised the war in his head the episodes dwindeled down to nothing and Lars was able to sleep without checking to see if Mathias was still beside him each night.

Mathias would leave in the dead of night to use the kitchen the nights Lars was already asleep when reality started to dawn on him while he was able to fight back the weaknesses that haunted him days before, the tears that wanted to freely slide down his cheeks he was able to keep in check with another drink and another pill and it was all alright. And with a cup of coffee topped with the cream the Dutchman knew he liked he'd sit by himself and stare up at the night sky he'd looked up to many, many nights before and wonder the same things, breathing the same sentences of the same story of an internal battle he was terrified he couldn't win. He may have been able to love once again but he was soon to be remembered for how he could give a sort of love to those who were dear to him but he would not be able to give it to himself.

The Dane would bandage each wound that came from his mental demons and he would not give up, he would fight back and he would never give up again until he was able to return Lars feelings with the same intensity he received them. Lars was beautiful, his eyes, his habits, his whole. He loved Mathias unconditionally and constantly Mathias found himself wondering what that felt like. But very quickly he was turning into the Danes own want and need, his own addiction, his own source of warmth and to him he was basically the single most imperfect perfection in his life. That light of hope he wished to bottle up and keep with him at night.

Lars was a wallflower at times, observe quietly from afar and calculate the situations around him. He would observe silly things like the cracks in wooden floors or the tears that would carve tracks into people's cheeks. He was observant, he was quiet but Mathias would be lying if he said Lars couldn't be louder than he was ever quiet. Mathias knew the Dutchman was his and he was Lars', Lars was love and Mathias however was not, and that was the way it was supposed to be. Two unlikely puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly to make a beautiful image people could only dream of.

And as Mathias wiped away the last of his tears from puffy eyes, and snuffed out the last of his cigarette on the cement making up the balcony he was perched upon a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and that personal warmth encased him with the mouth watering scent of Lars' cologne.

Lars murmured into the Dane's skin of his neck at quarter to 4 in the morning and he used words with such flawless understanding and flow that when they were put together to create sentences which sent Mathias's heart racing a million miles an hour, those words that held deeper meanings than Mathias had realised existed and they sounded like poetry within themselves, the language Lars spoke with the richest fluency was enough to send tingles racing down the length of Mathias's spine and cause heat to spark at the tips of his fingers as the Dutchman told him of the stars and shades of darkness that hid in the corners of their heads, the colours of kisses and the sounds of the Dane's silenced moans when they made love.

"Love is more than an emotion, because it is more than a word it had a presence, it is a thing. It exists in a way we cannot fathom and it can or cannot be depending on who allows themselves to feel it." Mathias muttered in return to the warm gusts of breath on his neck which made up the syllables and sentences that came from the Dutchman. It was something that the world had an absence of, something that Mathias needed long ago but lacked until the very moments he'd made naked contact with Lars. It was something he was still wary to believe in and something Lars said to be magical. However all magical things turned out to be myths to help people sleep at night.

Yet that didn't change the Mathias still felt it.

"I've wanted you since the day we met. Every day I have wanted you beside me, I have wanted to have your lips on mine at 3 in the morning, in the afternoon, first thing in the morning. Mat I love you for who you are and not who you think you should be because you're beautiful, no shut up fucking stunning just the way you are. I love every flaw, every part of you is what makes you so incredible, I have seen sides of you that you have hidden from everybody. I know things you haven't told a single soul. Mathias. I love every inch of you with everything I have and the only thing I've ever wanted is for you to love me back." Lars took the Danes face in his hands and pressed their foreheads together, smiling when he swallowed thickly and closed his eyes. "Every moment with you is a painful bliss and it's like a drug, you're addictive and I'm too far into this to want to stop. Don't ever doubt that I don't love you Mathias Køhler, _Kongeriget Danmark, _I love you more than the universe can handle."

He knew why he needed to kiss the Dutchman, why the urge screamed at him until he gave in a second after it hit him. Lars was beautiful, his words a serenade that left Mathias feeling light headed. However despite wishing he could be kind Mathias's kisses were sloppy and brutal, all teeth and tongue, violence the only way he truly knew how to express feeling and Lars accepted it. His tongue running over the Dane's teeth before he started to lead him back inside, kicking the door to the balcony closed with his foot and laughter erupted from Mathias's throat, a sound, a melody that Lars wished to contain. That laughter that sung the song of lost childhood, for a nation who was put in the vessel of a teenaged boy rather than a new born and was forced to grow up much too fast and fight much too soon. The teenaged vessel that had flourished into a man of grace and divinity yet refused to see what he'd become in fear of seeing the monster that hid behind the good in him. But he was still beautiful in the way his head thrown back and his hand halfheartedly trying to muffle the laughter that shook his body, the hand which Lars pried away with warm fingers and laced together before pulling Mathias close against his chest and claiming his lips again in a slow kiss that he controlled with the very flick of his tongue against the roof of the Danes mouth, able to taste the moan that came from the small motion.

Frost built up at the corners of the windows as snow began to fall on the streets of Lars' capital yet neither of them felt the biting chill as they stripped themselves of their layers on their way to the gigantic bed with one side of the room entirely made of glass to overlook the city, they both took pleasure in the sights of cities, each of their living quarters showing that with the architecture. Their touched burned into each other's skin, goose bumps marring Mathias's skin as kisses were lavished on every inch of him that was bared to the Dutchman. Their individual tastes mixed as their tongues clashed together, the kiss savage and vicious at first , a fire between the two of them that consumed and licked up the lengths of their bodies and destroying anything keeping them separated until the contact of their mouths turned soft and explorative. The heat still brewed between them, the intensity still set their souls alight, they shared the space, the flames and the emotion. They touched and interwove their legs until they couldn't tell where one's body began and the other's ended.

As Mathias's head turned to the side while Lars worked evidence of his possession into his swan like neck, the Dane counted the stars, wishing on every single one that it wouldn't end, the closeness and fire that made him feel high. The ribbons of light emitting from the moon blurred as his eyes grew heavily lidded, crying out as teeth broke skin and blood trickled down the side of his throat. And as the Dutchman took Mathias into his himself both body and blood, tongue pressing down and re-breaking the skin that kept trying to heal back together every few seconds Mathias couldn't have felt more aroused in his life, breathing nothing but a broken whisper and his voice lost in his throat. He was enchanted by the teeth biting bloodied crescents into his skin.

Mathias was such a bright precious fool, intelligent but foolish, powerful yet fragile and Lars made a point of that by growling it against the fresh wound he wore on his neck.

The Dane hissed out air in needy moans, whispers trying to form on his tongue in names or prayers he wasn't too sure as they fell dead to be taken by whines of arousal, the words of the other going straight to his cock and causing in to arch against him, eyes straining to stay open to watch the twinkling lights of the city. So beautiful, old and new, rich of history, disgusting and breath taking, repulsive and sensual. Teeth and lips and tongue continued to artistically and strategically place marks of the Dutchman's possession on the pale canvas of skin stretched out before him, taking pleasure in the bruises that formed in the trail of his mouth. Mathias's eyes were crazed in the reflection of city lights, feeling as if his fingernails were clawing for grip on the back of Lars' head as they would clinging for dear life while hanging over a cliff edge and oh how he craved he fall, the idea terrified and excited him as he was unsure of where he would fall or how long it would be and he slowly let himself go as the Dutchman's fingers pressed into him, warm underneath the lube coating the digits and he arched, moaned and bucked as they carefully entered as not to spook him.

Sweat slicked skin rubbed together in glorious friction as they kissed again, a crushing hold on one another to rid themselves of the atoms and particles likely to be separating them. Lars worked his fingers into Mathias, hesitant at first but confidence was slowly but surely built up until he had four fingers deep inside the Nordic and the pads of each finger rubbing against a wall or the little bundle of nerves that reduced Mathias to nothing but a horny mess with every thrust of his wrist. Mathias could have sobbed at how it felt, the ends of his nerves sparking and his body not feeling like his own as it was overrun by the pleasure caused by the stretch of the fingers belonging to the artist inside him. The contact of their lips, tentative at first morphs into something hungry, something the both of them were comfortable and familiar with as instinct caught up with them and told them just exactly how to claim.

"Stop...fucking fingering m..e..." Mathias gasped out, legs quaking on either side of the Dutchman's waist which they were coiled around, an anchor to keep him from reaching the bottom he wanted to reach as if gravity were singing to him in a sweet lure, he had to stay above the waves long enough to get the point across before he'd let them take him. "Lars...just..hm fuck...me."

"Make love." The gravely voice murmured into his hair, tonguing the shell of his ear as he spoke before he sucked the Dane's earlobe into his mouth. "Fucking...has a lack of feeling to it...I want you to feel everything."

"Then make me."

"Ride me."

Mathias beamed at the simple request, however unwilling he was to roll out from under the other he did so and claimed his place on the Dutchman's lap with his legs straddling his torso and his neck arched down to playfully nip as Lars' lips as his fingers took their place again inside Mathias, still spread to keep the Dane's entrance open until the tip was through and he pulled them away, slowly rocking in until they were hip to hip, Lars' fingers splayed on Mathias's waist and he held him close, and it felt safe, stable and undeniably protective. He was filled in all the right ways, head craned back and eyelids blinking furiously over fully blown pupils until his chin was aided back down by a pair of lips and his own were caught again by a pair of teeth.

He rolled his hips experimentally, mouth filling with saliva as the appendage rubbed against his prostate so perfectly. The sparks at his nerves turning into a full flame that drove him into a pit of passion and arousal. He felt trapped in the warmth of Lars' arms despite the freedom his position granted him, fingers gripping down till the point of paint where bruises were sure to remain the next day as he ground down to fully appreciate the Dutchman's cock, he would be worshiping it with his mouth if the position were different, lathering it with his tongue and giving it the attention it deserved, and he wished to give it the same treatment one way or another as he sat high on Lars' pelvis, contracting around the length with every push of his hips and it caused them both to moan in a harmony of pitches in pleasure. The tightness driving the Dutchman wild, the stretch feeling so amazing it was about to drive the Dane to tears.

And so it was that the wetness began to infect the corners of Mathias's eyes as he nuzzled his face against the other's shoulder with his lips pressed against Lars' clavicle and his hands pressed to his chest for balance as he rose and dropped the lower half of his body in a timed rhythm that gradually sped up the more the motion gained grace and confidence.

Lars grew impatient the hands gripping onto Mathias's upper thighs like a vice tightened even more so and he manipulated the speed himself, the strong body above him happily acting as a puppet to his will as he mouthed at the Dane's ear, nose tucked into the locks free of hair gel and he inhaled deeply, Mathias chuckling quietly before he leaned back, ignoring the pout that came to Lars' mouth as he moved more freely, the rise and fall of his hips gaining in speed and intensity, taking all the other had to give until he had it all into his body multiple times over. The hands that had held him to the point of bruising snaked down to his front, burning hot fingers taking his erection in hand and stroking with a loose grip that matched the pattern Mathias controlled.

The pattern of which that slowed down to a simple grinding as white painted both their chests in ribbons of semen, a guttural groan ripping it's way out of Mathias's chest and shook his entire body. Still he moved to bring the other to the same state, his hands massaging through pale brown hair in an identically limp state to his own and his lips taking their place on the Dutchman's. Lars savours the way Mathias's mouth was agape in a silent gasp as his over sensitive hole was still being penetrated, the friction of his dick against the Dane's prostate feeling like a more painful, more intense and drawn out orgasm. A harsh exhale washed down Mathias's neck, the embers of heat sparking in his abdomen along with it as the Dutchman came, his teeth ripping into Mathias's to contain his vocals.

The Dane's moan was soft, their lips shaped together and the bite wound was sucked at lightly until they both started to come down from the ecstasy that flooded them from their heads to the tips of their toes. Mathias slowly eased off the Dutchman, taking the mildest pleasure in the semen that came out at a crawling pace until he was sitting cross legged beside Lars and pulled the comforter over the other, his back turned to him as he rolled himself a cigarette. Lars took to tracing the inked lines of wings stretching down the length of his back from the tops of his shoulder blades to the base of his back in light brush like strokes. An artist's fingers indeed. The faint smile that pulled at Mathias's lips was accompanied by a sigh of pleasure.

"Are you sleeping tonight Dane?"

"Not tired, don't worry I'll still be here in the morning this time." He twisted around to litter pecks all over Lars' face, his cheeks, his nose, his eyelids, tonging ever so subtly at the bead of sweat on his forehead. "I need to shower."

"Do you mind if I join you?"

Mathias's lips turned up in a smile and he nodded.

"That would be nice."

xxx

The celebrations were big here, people everywhere below them with bottles of liquor in their hands and laughter in their voices. The Dutchman's capital was a warm and friendly host, the humans on the streets knowing exactly how to have a good time and make the most of what they had. Throngs of people littered the pavements as impromptu parties sprung fourth and Lars and Mathias were able to sit back from their perch on the high rising balcony and watch it all unfold. With a nearly empty plate of oliebollen and appelflappen set aside with half full bottles of beer and Mathias leaning against the railing with a smile on his lips and the Dutchman pressed against his back with his arms tight around his waist, the Dane hadn't felt more alive and more involved despite his involvement with the festes in his life.

"We could go for a cruise on the canals tomorrow if you want, take a walk through Vondelpark...bike around and see what stores have already started the January sales?"

"Sounds lovely."

An uproar of cheering came from the crowds as the countdown began to the new year, voices shouting out down from ten in unison in their respective languages, eyes glinting bright Mathias turned to face the Dutchman with his arms around his neck and tipped his head down so their foreheads met.

"Tien."

"Ni."

"Acht."

"Syv."

"Zes."

"Fem."

"Vier."

"Tre."

"Twee."

And on the final number their lips met as the fireworks for the new year started their thunderous entrance. The sizzle and bang of fire crackers ahead were almost painful in the Dane's ears, his eardrums exploding as gold spread across the inky blank canvas of the sky and set it alight.

"Jeg elsker dig."

Finally he'd found the right lips, the right person and the most perfect moment.

And they'd found him.


End file.
